Facing mortality

Hey all.

I know that once again it's been a while since I've posted in here. Life has been busy as I prepare for what could be a massive change in the next few months and I've been spending a lot of time taking care of things that were needed.

That's not what this post is about though.

No, the other day I started to think about what might happen when my time is up in this life. Not in a morbid "dear god I'm going to die some day" way, but rather in a much scarier way, at least to myself.

I thought about what it might feel like at the moment that I pass and what could be waiting on the other side of death, if anything. There are few things that cause me to become anxious, but what happens after death is one of those things.

Is reincarnation real? Do we come back into this world at another point in time somewhere else? Do we live life after life with no end to the cycle?

Or do we continue to exist in another sense, or another plane like a spirit world? If so, are we able to keep tabs on the life we used to have?

Or does it just end and you cease to exist in any shape or form?

That last option scares me. It legitimately does scare me. The thought of the world going dark around me and there being nothing after that is pretty terrifying.

Maybe it's because I have a child and the thought of leaving her behind terrifies me in any capacity.

In any case, I thought about it, freaked myself out a bit, and then banished the thought from my mind. After all, my time will come when fate decides it's time for me to go and I'll have no choice but to accept it.

I went about my business this weekend, yet the concept of mortality and how it affects us all continued to linger in my mind. I thought about how there had been relatively few passings in my life while other people seem to constantly deal with death and its effects on families.

The passing of my cousin Keenan was tough to stomach, but life had taken me away from a lot of my extended family, especially once Kylie was born. It stung but I couldn't linger on it as I have a small child constantly seeking my attention.

I don't think the thoughts of mortality were a coincidence after the news I received today now. I think like most things in life, there's a reason behind a lot of things and maybe the thoughts of mortality were a warning that something was going to happen. I'm not sure about this, but life to this point has shown me there's typically a reason behind most things that happen, even if you can't see it right away.

Initially, I had been informed that my last remaining grandmother was not doing well and was in the hospital. Upon hearing this, I made the decision that I was going to try and visit one last time, so we headed into Cleveland early on the chance that I could do so.

Unfortunately, shortly after arriving in Cleveland, I received a message from my mom that my grandmother actually had passed away earlier in the day, roughly around 10am or so.

I just sat in a chair for a bit, thinking about all the times I had meant to call but didn't, all those times I thought about visiting, yet ultimately didn't get around to it either because I was dealing with my own stuff or didn't have the gas to make the extra trip in. I thought about all the things we used to do, how active my grandma was in our lives.

I thought about the passing of my dad and how much it hurt her and the rest of the family. I thought about the phone calls we had after I had moved out to Willoughby to start the latest chapter in my life. She could talk for hours if you let her and I usually did, even if I had other things that I was going to do.

I thought about the family gatherings out the country (in Ashtabula) that used to go on all the time, all the holidays spent at her house.

I just sat and thought about the numerous lost opportunities because I became too wrapped up in my own life and own struggles.

I just thought.

I sit now and think about the "Davey" nickname that she always referred to me with (and now you know where that nickname originated from).

I don't know if it's going to hit me. I don't handle grief the same way others do so I don't know if that moment is going to come when I break down. It didn't happen with my dad (too much bitterness I suppose) and has only really happened when I had to put my cat Kisa down. Even then, I knew I was doing the right thing and had come to accept it, so it didn't wreck me like it could have.

Even now, the thoughts are returning of all the times we used to go to my grandma's house in Cleveland and I'm not feeling grief, just nostalgia and sadness that maybe I didn't appreciate those moments enough. Then again, a lot of my emotion is tied up in a little girl that's going to be 3 in a few months.

Even now, she's come out of her mom's room to pay me a visit while I type this, so it's hard to feel too much sadness with her around.

Yet I am sad. I know I am. Which makes me believe at some point it's going to hit me and possibly hit me hard. And I'm going to regret all the time I didn't spend with her and the rest of the family.

I've let a lot of bitterness continue to linger in me from my childhood, a lot of which is really my dad's fault. Sure, the family could've come around sooner on my dad's issues, but you can't fault them either. I can't continue to hold on to this grudge or whatever it is that's been lingering for so many years.

The simple truth is I'm going to have to face mortality again in the future and I can't sit there and wonder if I'm missing more opportunities.

I've missed too many as it is.

Grandma Betty, you were always great to us and always made sure we knew you cared about us. You will be missed in so many ways.

Rest in peace.

Love, Davey.