Let me start by saying that this isn't a cry for help, or me trying to say I'm depressed in any way shape or form.
I'm not.
This is simply an explanation of some very long-standing habits that I've had since I can remember to try and help all of you understand a little better what goes on inside my head when it comes to communicating with most of you, even if you're a friend going back 10 years or more.
I've sat and thought about how to word this for almost a week since I announced on social media (personal FB page, gaming FB page, Twitter) that I was going to be writing about how I'm a bad friend and why I don't talk to people nearly as much as I should. I still haven't found the exact words I want, but I figured I needed to at least get started so I didn't lose the ones I have now.
I've always been fairly introverted around people I don't know. I'm not the type of person who will approach someone and strike up a conversation and if I'm in a group of people I don't know, I have very little to say. This has always had a fairly reasonable impact in dating as even if I felt fairly certain a girl was interested in me, I still had significant trouble mustering up the courage to speak to them.
I've improved at my social skills as the years have gone by, but I still struggle with it to this day and it greatly impacts the relationships that I've developed with people, and in some cases, sadly have lost because of my poor communication skills.
I'm just simply not the type of person who reaches out to people very often. I often think about it and intend to, or think that certain times would be good, but often forget about it shortly after deciding it would be a good idea.
It's a weak excuse, but the number of times I've decided that I was going to contact someone, only to lose track of time until it's well after midnight is pretty bad. I simply forget about it and get caught up in other things, sometimes important, sometimes not, and don't recall my original intent until it's too late (or I perceive it to be too late; I'm weird about that too).
In other words, I overthink the process of contacting people.
If it's during the day, I often fear that I'll be interrupting something more important and decide against it. If it's at night, even if I know there isn't a chance they're asleep, I fear waking them.
It isn't limited to any particular person either. Close friends, distant friends, and family are all likely to get treated this way. It isn't necessarily because I'm trying to avoid them, but rather it comes down a basic inferiority complex I've always had.
I can't pinpoint when I developed it either, I just know I've always felt like I wasn't good enough for others. It used to bother me a lot when I was younger (I was probably starving for positive attention from others outside of my immediate family and just not getting it), but as time has gone on, it's become a smaller issue for me.
It's still there though, and it doesn't always take a lot for it to rear its ugly head, particularly if I feel someone is belittling the way I do something. At those points I have to fight through it a bit more and realize there probably wasn't anything malicious about it.
In essence, I've always felt relatively unimportant to those around me. It's impact these days is FAR less significant than it used to be, but it still pops up from time to time.
Again, not trying to make it sound like it's crippling for me. Typically if I feel it, it only lasts for a brief moment before it passes and regain my mojo.
Yes I said mojo. Deal with it.
When I was younger? It definitely affected me more and would cause me to become withdrawn from virtually everyone around me. I wouldn't speak to many and if I did, it was short and to the point. If I had to choose between going somewhere with others or staying home, I'd stay home.
These days, that's not an issue. Sure, I have moments where I don't feel like doing things, but I don't feel the need to completely withdraw from everyone around me.
Unfortunately, one way the inferiority still holds on is picking up a phone and even texting someone, much less calling them. I just struggle with it, even if I know it's been a while since I've talked to said person. I have this unexplainable fear when it comes to calling others, even if I KNOW I need to.
But I never want to get in the way of what people are doing, which is pretty insane since I'm fairly certain most of my friends/family would not complain if I called on occasion to say hi and see how things were going.
Now, I do have legitimate reasons for not taking a lot of time to call people. I do work, and after work I'm pretty busy with Kylie until she goes to bed right now, but I won't have that excuse in a few months when I've moved out and I don't have her around every day anymore.
Even so, I know certain people (Lennie and Sarah come to mind), are usually still up when I have Kylie down, so the child kept me busy isn't a great excuse. I could conceivably call them after she goes to bed, but then that's where the "I don't want to bug them if they're busy" issue comes back around.
I could go into further detail on this, but I feel I've summed it up fairly nicely to this point. I don't think the inferiority issue should be an acceptable excuse, and it shouldn't make anyone say "oh that's okay" if I suddenly talk to them after several weeks or months, but I do want people to understand why it happens and what goes on in my brain when it's happening.
I also want to reiterate one last time, I'm not depressed or think I'm worthless. My confidence, despite the issue I have with my teeth, is fairly high and I know I'm a worthwhile person. I just always feel there are more important things people could be doing than talking to me.
If you have any questions about this, feel free to reach out to me on any of my social media links, which are in this post and in the blog overall.
Thanks for reading this.
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