Life Update 2023 Edition

It has been quite a while, hasn't it?

When I decided to update the appearance of this blog with the idea of occasionally posting again, I hadn't really noticed how long it had actually been since I last updated this. I knew it had been some time, but seeing 2019 as the last time I posted here was pretty eye-opening.

It isn't because I have had nothing to talk about. Quite the opposite really.

See, the idea of a blog was much more appealing several years back before I started really dabbling with YouTube and even livestreaming over on Twitch. I built-up a rather decent tech YouTube channel (that I've since abandoned for a few reasons, but would like to resume soon), started dabbling with gaming content again, and even streamed a bit on Twitch, reaching affiliate status several months ago.

The blog, as a result, fell to the wayside. Is this an actual attempt to bring it back? That's to be determined, but I felt like this was an opportune time to use it. I could put this all into video form if I want (and I still may), but I feel using YouTube would, uh, cheapen the message I'm trying to convey. It probably doesn't, but in my mind, that's what would happen.

I also want to preface this by saying that when I get into current events later on, you know, the main reason I'm actually posting this, I'm not doing so as a plea for help. I'm not asking for help in any capacity. I'm simply expressing the current situation for people who have likely been wondering what's truly going on behind the scenes, as I've been fairly vague about how potentially severe things could possibly get.

The reason I haven't fully detailed things is because it isn't entirely known what is going to happen and I don't like to worst-case-scenario things publicly. A large part of this is because I know there's always someone who has it worse than me, and most of my issues are very much first-world issues. This was reinforced today by seeing two different people with homeless signs near the shopping center by our apartment. It could ALWAYS be worse. Another part is my stubborn mentality that we'll find a way through whatever potentially comes our way.

I just want it to be clearly laid out the intentions behind this post. I know someone will inevitably claim it's a way to ask for help, but I'm not. I am incredibly stubborn in this matter as I don't like asking or receiving help. I was recently gifted a special edition Switch from a friend for helping with content creation that I was reluctant in my acceptance of. It's in my nature, so again, I'm not doing this to ask for help. I'm doing this for transparency for people who I know genuinely care (and to avoid repeatedly explaining the situation repeatedly).

Before that though, let's talk about some other stuff first. I don't post as much on social media as I used to. This is very apparent on Facebook, I site I keep simply because it allows me to keep tabs on long-time friends, classmates, and family. I only have about 90 friends or so on there, so it's a small list compared to some, and I'm okay with that. I maybe post once every 3-4 months, which I know disappoints some who want to see more of Kylie and such, but I'm quite deliberate in what I post where for a reason (which is going to feel awkward when it's pointed out that she's appeared in several streams and YouTube videos). I don't do much on Instagram or Snapchat either, mostly because I don't take a ton of pictures, and the ones I do almost inevitably have something in there I don't want being out in the public (personal info and such).

Even Twitter, I site that I used to post extensively on, has been used less and less of late. Some of this is because of Elon being an absolute snake and taking something that, while not great, was at least moderately functional, and turning it into an even bigger pit of despair than it already was. I absolutely hate what he's done with it and yet it's still the easiest way to find and convey information, although a vast amount of it is fake.

I'm not even going to delve into all the nonsense that the site has encouraged with conspiracy theories, but I'll say this much as a catch-all: I believe women should be able to choose what they do with their bodies and that abortion is healthcare, I believe LGBQTIA+ deserve better and we need stop trying legislate them out of existence just because you don't know what else to be scared of, stop trying to shove religion into schools (while simultaneously complaining about drag shows and trans rights being shoved in your face), stop demeaning teachers, stop trying to white-wash history because poor white people feel bullied, and so on. I could actually go on for a while, but I already feel my blood pressure starting to rise, so I'm going to stop.

Oh, and vaccines are good. Stop with this nonsense. Joe Rogan trying to debate AN ACTUAL FUCKING HEALTHCARE PROFESSIONAL SHOULD NOT BE A THING.

Anyway, I digress.

Hell, remember when I liked sports? Social media ruined that for me, first with fantasy sports, then later with every single anonymous account attacking players and coaches when something didn't work out, as if they could do better. Everyone is an expert on everything and nuance is dead (this also applies to real-world stuff as people take an all-or-nothing approach to EVERYTHING).

So I lay back and watch things unfold. I pay attention to how people react and then take note if they backtrack or hold firm. I see a lot of tweets, but rarely interact anymore unless it's someone I deem a close friend, and even then, I miss half of them because Twitter has been such a shit-show when it comes to the technical side. I've found myself disappointed, but rarely surprised when I find out someone has been secretly a piece of shit human and it slips out for all to see.

More than anything, I'm tired of the bullying. I'm tired of people telling other people how to live, or how wrong they're doing things. I'm tired of the name-calling when people don't agree on something, and I'm tired of people just being shitty in general just because they don't agree. I don't care if you're conservative or not, but I will decide to remove you from my life if I find you constantly posting antagonizing shit because you think it's funny. I'm not going to try and change you or convince you that you're wrong, but frankly, it's not likely to change things and I'M FUCKING TIRED.

What have I been up to though? Well, about two years ago, I was getting really into Destiny 2, but was tired of doing a bunch of things solo because I didn't have a lot of friends playing the game, and the ones that did were somewhat inconsistent. So in August of 2021, I began searching Twitch in the hopes of finding a community that showed some promise and give me more opportunities to do things like raids, dungeons, and Grandmaster Nightfalls. The first few channels I checked didn't cut it, but then I bounced into Alltimebrianna's stream, and was immediately struck by how engaging she was with her chat, as well as how engaging chat was too. It felt it held potential, so I joined the discord and started watching as many streams as I could.

At first, things didn't really change much, and that was okay. I was still working on figuring out the vibe and where I could fit in with the community. I did get a chance to do both a Pit of Heresy dungeon run with B and another member of her community, Mainpayne, and that experience was solid. I later then got to do Shattered Throne with her and FliptheGiant, and that's going to be important later. Beyond that, I didn't participate a ton, but was always there.

Fast forward a few months, around January 2022, and things started to change. I was invited to do a couple of raids that I hadn't done before, and the vibe was good enough that Flip later would message me about possibly doing my first GM. This is when I officially started running things with what would become known as the Trifecta of Chaos (myself, Flip, and FollowMeImFaded). We vibed immediately and things were never the same for me in this game.

I began getting pulled into more stream-related activities, at first because Flip would bring me along, but later because B would directly ask me. I incorporated myself into what would become a very tight-knit group of people within the community as time went on, and it was still just the beginning.

I'm not going to spend a lot of time gushing about it, but I think this community is one of the best in all of gaming, if not THE best. Sure, it's easy to say that as I get the privilege of spending a lot of time with these goobers on a daily basis, but it is easily one of the best things that's EVER happened to me in gaming, and aside from a few things, in life. I truly can call some of these people some of my best friends now, and I look forward to meeting them all at GCX in August 2023 (right before my two year anniversary conveniently enough).

I'm also privileged enough to be B's video editor for her YouTube channel, something that I need to spend more time focusing on, but as you might have gathered, time isn't always on my side. But it's an opportunity I'm blessed to have been given and I enjoy creating new videos for her channel and I'm excited to see us push forwards towards potential YouTube partnership, as well as partner on Twitch.

This does mean I've put significantly less time towards my own content creation, which I want to be clear I am NOT complaining about. If I had to choose, I'd rather help someone else create content all day and night. The idea of being a full-time video editor is intriguing, but is far too much of a risk right now for me to seriously consider. But if that chance did arise, I'd jump at it. As it stands, I just need to devote a few hours a week to her content and we'd be good. I just have to do it.

Of course, I still have a kid to focus on, and Kylie is a continued source of joy for me. She's now 10 and seeing this awkward mess of limbs pursue karate has been one of the most interesting things I've watched happen. She genuinely loves it though, and it's the one thing aside from video games that seems to have stuck with her. The other major development with her is a rising enjoyment of rollercoasters. She's terrified of heights, yet despite that, has ridden most of the coasters at Cedar Point now. She recently conquered Rougarou and expressed it to be one of her new favorites along with Gatekeeper and the new Wildmouse ride that opened.

The best part? She's now keeping her eyes open going down the first hill, which is a MASSIVE development. She previously would keep them closed until after the first hill, which is when she'd open them. But with this last trip, she kept them open for the entire time on all of the coasters we rode. Proud doesn't begin to sum up how I feel about this kid and I hope she continues to try and do big things, despite growing up in a world that's again becoming increasingly hostile towards women.

As an aside, with the recent news that some parents/grandparents have decided to determine that women with short hair are actually trans men and try and get them inspected at events, I ABSOLUTELY FUCKING DARE ANY OF YOU ASSHOLES TO SAY SOMETHING ABOUT HER. Kylie has had shaved sides and shorter hair on top for years now and I dare any of you inconsiderate transphobic assholes to say something. You WILL regret it. I would die for that kid and that's all you need to know the lengths I'd go to defend her.

She also does know karate, so I would absolutely let her unleash her fury upon you and maybe even hold you down. Keep that in mind. Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

Now, for the difficult stuff.

First, some backstory. When we moved in 10 years ago, we came with two dogs and two cats. This was not a problem and at the time, the cats didn't have to be registered, but the dogs did. They were both registered and compliant with the lease requirements as far as we knew. Granted, 10 years is a long time and it's highly likely that the requirements have changed, but we've never been presented with any indication of that.

As an aside for anyone unfamiliar with my living situation, I share this apartment with Kylie's mom, who is my ex. We get along great as friends and coparent like champs, and it's allowed me to stay close to Kylie for her entire life. As it stands, she is the primary resident on the lease, which is important for later on.

It has not been a pleasant last few weeks however. The apartment complex management has suddenly become a bit more hostile towards its residents and we've come into their focus of late. We recently had a notice on our door, conveniently placed at 3pm on a Friday, indicating it had been brought to management's attention that our apartment wasn't up to their standards and they'd be performing an inspection the following Monday. This left virtually no indication of what the actual problem was, and left us with very little time to prepare. That said, we did what we could and left it up to fate.

They didn't actually get in until Wednesday when no one was home, and we didn't get the results until Friday (a week after the initial notice). This is when we were hit with a bit of a sucker punch. The letter claimed we were in violation of the lease in that we were only allowed to have one dog and if we didn't remove the unauthorized animals immediately, we'd be evicted. Again, this notice was placed late in the day on Friday. It also made note of a "pungent pet odor," which was interesting given we had deep cleaned the carpet in particular, but it was clear they were focused on the number of animals (they noted two dogs and a cat).

Now, Kylie's mom has some pretty severe anxiety, which means she prefers to communicate through email when possible, and her anxiety was through the roof in this situation. We noticed that the "copy" of the lease they presented was just the final page that she signs, and there was no indication there of how many animals were permitted. This was noted in her email to the management. She also asked when the pet policy changed as when we moved in, this wasn't an issue and we moved here specifically because they allowed two dogs and didn't care about the cats.

They have not responded as far as I know, and as of this post, it's been two weeks since they threatened eviction. At this point, we're entirely anticipating it could happen, which has meant formulating plans in case it does. The dogs are the biggest issue in those situation, as most places that rent will only allow one at max, but it does seem like there's at least one option. The less-desirable one, and the one that would be hardest to achieve because of how things are for me right now financially, is me getting a place of my own and taking at least the one dog with me.

Financially, this is a challenge. My credit isn't good because of high credit utilization on my cards (largely due to kidney stone issues I had a couple of years back), which I've been unable to drag down. Combine that with some other stuff that I will not get into too much detail with (car payment and such), it's been a battle. There is a light at the end of the tunnel as I'll be done with one thing I've been paying on in November, which would free up some money, and my car lease being up in February could possibly alleviate some issues, but for the short-term, I don't have a lot of wiggle room. I do have inheritance money from my grandfather coming, but that's on hold as my uncle put my dad's middle initial on the check and the bank wouldn't accept it. I sent it back to him and am awaiting a corrected check.

There are other possible options of course, which I will not lay out here, but the hope was to manage until November and get a little breathing room there. I'm still hoping for that, but the stark reality here is even if they don't actually evict us, it's very unlikely they offer a lease renewal, which would still mean attempting to find a place by November regardless.

Yes, it's stressful, but thankfully, my child and my friends have helped make this far more bearable. Kylie is a natural stress reliever in she's just a good kid, and my friends have offered me a respite from the stress by providing a ton of laughter. In the end, what happens is what happens. I can only control so much, and I recognize that. What I can do is occasionally stream more, as I did just receive a payout from Twitch that caught me by surprise (thanks to those who stayed subbed even though I haven't streamed in over four months). I could put some effort into either YouTube channel and see what happens there.

But for now? I'm going to try and focus down one credit card and try and get that under control. Medical expenses from my kidney stone ordeals did the damage there, but I was also lax in getting it back under control when I had the chance to.

As with life in general, I take things one step at a time and adjust to whatever it throws at me (and us). Again, this isn't for a pity party, but rather just to provide some context and info for anyone wondering why some days I just might not be myself, or even around at all. I know there are people who care and I don't want them to be left wondering what the hell is happening.

Also, this is way longer than I anticipated, but here we are.

It's been quite a while since my last post, and while I can't promise I'll regular post here, I just may start using it again. We shall see.

Why you no attracted to me?

Attraction.

It's a funny thing really. We spend so much of our younger years trying to figure out if someone we like likes us back (except in those situations where it's kind of a "no duh" moment; I'm not familiar with that too much though). We look for signals, try to show our own worth, and generally make ourselves go crazy, all because we find someone attractive.

I was super guilty of this for a long time. I'd like someone, try to "prove my worth," and end up falling flat on my face either because they didn't feel the same way, or in those rare cases that they did, I would spook them because I'd stop being me and just be this whacked out guy trying too hard.

I'm obviously not the only one guilty of this. I see it on social media a lot, whether it be a meme or someone actually lamenting how they like someone, but it isn't being returned.

Some people get mad. They go on tirades about how perfect they'd be for that person, how happy they'd make that person. They complain that this person doesn't even know that something great is right next to them. It can get ugly sometimes too.

But that's what makes attraction so interesting. You liking someone doesn't automatically mean they should like you back. It's never worked that way, even if you believe that it would be a great relationship. There are factors beyond the obvious that play a role in whether a relationship develops or not.

Of course, it typically starts with physical attraction. But physical attraction can only take things so far. You also have to connect in other ways and sometimes, even if you want it to be there, the chemistry just isn't right. Something that clicks for you isn't clicking for the other person and you can't just force it to happen.

Sure, there are occasions where it could happen with time as a friendship develops and becomes something better, but more often than not, if things aren't clicking, they aren't going to magically click.

My particular favorite is when someone compliments the person they like, but throws in something like "too bad you have poor taste in men/women."

Because that's particularly endearing.

No, attraction isn't something you can force, and if it isn't there, trying to make it happen will typically only make things worse.

For instance, let's say there's a woman I like. She's a great woman in a lot of ways and is a blast to talk to. She's the type that will do whatever she can to help you out, no matter what. But just because I think these things doesn't mean she thinks the same back and the thing I need to be more than willing to accept is that we'll likely only be friends.

That's okay. She can make a great friend and be willing to listen to me when I need to vent, but more importantly, can give me a fresh perspective on a number of things, something I desperately needed after I kind of went into a tailspin early in January. Between her and another friend, they helped pull me through it and remind me I have it pretty good.

So you can like someone, think they're incredible, but be okay with just being friends. And that's where I am right now.

Some things that stuck with me the most include wanting to develop a friendship that turns into more, thus this person I'm with isn't just a person I'm with, but a best friend as well. Taking time to let the relationship develop is something I haven't really done well and maybe next time, this is the approach to take.

Another thing that's stuck with me is the idea of being the energy you want to attract. Hence, while I was mopey for a bit, I've snapped out of it and am trying to be as positive as I can be. That's what I want around me after all. People who are positive and can see their way through anything.

The final thing that's really stuck with me is that maybe it hasn't happened because it isn't meant to right now. While I'm not religious, I often wonder if there's something going on beyond what we understand, guiding us in ways we can't comprehend. Maybe, just maybe, I'm not meant to be with anyone at this point in time to keep me on task and that the right person will come along when the time is actually right.

Which of course is cliched, but it sounds pretty solid actually.

Let's get this money saved, get a new car, and get a house, then see what happens. Oh, and fix my teeth. That should be a priority too.

At this stage of life, I'm content to have as many great friends around me as possible. If anything else is meant to happen, well, it will. Otherwise, I'm going to enjoy the ride, continue to get in better shape, continue to try and help people whenever I can, and see where life takes me.

Life's too short to sweat the small stuff and now that I'm approaching 40, I really start to see this and understand it.

In any case, this isn't meant to come across as whiny or mopey, but rather as me observing the things I see around me.

Let's have fun with life guys.

Talking about kids and the Powerball jackpot

Typically, when I want to write a post, I try to come up with a singular idea and then attempt to flesh it out in my head so that I can write enough words to justify the effort.

Once in a while, I have two concurrent thoughts running through my head, both of them vying for my attention and demanding they be written about.

That's where I'm at right now.

On one hand, I've had a lot of thoughts about what it's been like being a dad for 2 and 1/2 years now. On the other hand, the Powerball jackpot is $1.5 BILLION.

Let that word resonate.

BILLION.

It's a big number and if my boss's conspiracy theory is correct, there will be somewhere along the lines of 32 winners tonight after having no winners for quite some time.

It's a pretty demanding subject to think about.

There's a lot you can do with all that money. Many people on Twitter and Facebook have talked about what they'd do with that kind of money. I've seen people posting about multiple week vacations, buying fancy cars, mansions, and a lot of other silly things that often lead people to being broke within 7 years of winning.

On the other hand, there are plenty of people talking about who'd they share their winnings with and who'd they donate money to. One person tweeted they'd donate half of the money they won.

Those willing to share and spread the wealth deserve a hand. Those thinking of how much they want to buy also deserve a hand. It takes a certain level of bravery to admit you'd be wasteful with your winnings.

What does this have to do with Kylie though?

Well, I think the obvious is that if I were to win the lottery (or have some friendly soul share a portion with me), Kylie's life would be far different from what mine was. She certainly would have far less to worry about and if I invest things properly, she'd have more than enough money to help her get by well into her adult life.

The lottery is a fascinating thing though. Obviously the more that people put into it without a winner, the higher it goes, yet you always hear people say it's not worth playing when it's "just $50 million." I mean, that's nothing to sneeze at considering I make roughly $35k a year at this point. Even the million dollar secondary prize with the Powerball would be incredible for me, yet people scoff at the notion of playing the lottery unless it's over $100 million or more.

For the sake of discussion, here is a list of things I'd do *IF* I won the lottery of any sort (much less this one):

• IMMEDIATELY split the amount in half and set aside one half to invest in various things. What things aren't completely decided, but high-interest accounts and at least one or two trust funds would be mandatory. This would ensure that the money would continue to grow in the future.
  
• Immediate family and friends would get a healthy portion of the money that wasn't invested. How much is undecided, but they would be far from poor after I'm done.
  
• I'd buy a large parcel of land and have a house built there. The house would be 4-5 bedrooms and have one additionally large room that would be used as my gaming/streaming/recording/editing command center. I'm also considering a small kennel as well for dog-fostering purposes.
  
• I'd buy a Jeep Cherokee for every day use, a Wrangler for fun, and possibly a quad-cab Ram for those inevitable times that someone needs a truck to move something. Yes, the Wrangler would be heavily customized/modded.
  
• I'd have a deck, pool, dog run/kennel, kids play area, and covered basketball court in my backyard. Much of it would have a large privacy fence around it to contain Kylie and however many dogs I end up having. Yes, a basketball court is a bit much, but it's super annoying trying to find a good place to shoot some hoops.
  
• My command center would consist of my main PC for gaming, a streaming PC used to run my live stream, and a third PC that would be built so that I could test new PC hardware/software before giving said stuff away on one of my streams. This means I'd quit my current job so I could do this sort of thing full-time. One of each console would be present in the room for my stream/recording sessions and the room would be soundproof as well.
  
• I'd do a number of things I've always wanted to do including riding the Amtrak into Glacier National Park, a cross-country road trip that includes a drive down the Pacific Coast Highway, a cruise, and whatever else my brain thinks of.
  
• I'd buy season tickets to the Indians, Browns, and Cavs. I'd also try to get to as many Ohio State football games as well.
  
• Random streamers I enjoy on the internet would get large donations from me. I'd essentially try to do as much for other people who clearly deserve as I can. If someone makes enjoyable videos but needs a new piece for their set-up, I'd gladly help make the dream come true as long as I wasn't approached directly by them.
  
• I'd ignore virtually EVERYONE who comes looking for a handout though. If I deem you worthy of receiving monetary help, I'd come to you. Anyone who directly asks me for anything is not getting a penny. I'm going to be more than generous if I win. Don't be a turd and go looking for me to help you.
  
• I'd donate a large amount to St. Jude, ExtraLife, and any other charity I deem worthy. Streamers doing charity streams? I'd consider donating again to help the cause.
  

Remember, these are hypothetical based on me winning, which frankly isn't going to happen. I mean, it would be nice and I'd definitely be grateful, but the odds are 1 in 292 million.


No, those aren't good.

But it's fun to think about, and I certainly hope that whoever wins is smart with the money and doesn't go blowing it on 8 cars, 5 houses, 3 boats, and weekend visits to Las Vegas (for the love of all that is holy, DON'T GAMBLE IT ALL AWAY! If you're gonna do that, give it to other people instead).

But most importantly, it would give Kylie a great life. She'd have virtually anything she wanted and/or needed. She'd never have to worry about whether there was enough money for something. We could go places and do things otherwise not possible.

But she's already a blast as is, so I guess if I don't win, life will be just fine regardless.

But kids.

There are things that aren't in the Parenting manual (not that I was given one; I'm just assuming that the things I've encountered weren't mentioned anyway) and probably with good reason. If you knew of some of the things you'd see, you probably wouldn't have kids.

There are things you come to expect, such as writing on the wall and food being smeared around. You know that potty training is going to be, uh, messy and you know they aren't always going to want to eat actual food.

When I hear Kylie say "uh uh, no WAY" and have no idea where she heard that? That's when you realize that you are never completely prepared.

Let's roll it back to when they're born though. They don't do a whole lot besides grunt, cry, and poop.

Remember crying and poop. Those things don't go away.

Then they start rolling around. They start babbling and sometimes they even smile and laugh. Then stuff comes flying out of their mouth that you weren't at all prepared for and it's the one time you forgot to put a little blanket on your shoulder.

They learn to crawl and learn to eat food. This seems great, except when they learn to eat food, they learn by most of it actually missing their mouth. It ends up all over their face, their bib, their clothes (despite the bib), their hands, and most impressively, objects at least 15 feet away just because they waved their hands at the most inopportune time. There's also a 94% chance food is on you just because you're trying to get the spoon in their mouth while they bob and weave.

The messiness never really eases up. Sure, the food and drink starts to find its way into their mouth, but spills become very common. They don't understand that turning a plate sideways means the potatoes slide off. They don't really think that running with a lidless cup means liquids are sloshing all over the place. They're exceptionally surprised when a spill happens, but early on they try to help clean it up, thus spreading the mess because cleaning it up means putting the soaked paper towel on the couch instead of the garbage can.

Speaking of garbage cans, watch what's in their before closing it up. It's very likely an important thing is in there, such as when my niece threw my mom's computer mouse away.

Lord help you if they figure out what happens when you squeeze a bottle of baby powder.

Also, it should be noted that if you think it's out of reach, it's actually considered a challenge for them to find a way to get it down. Eventually they'll figure it out and they WILL get the item down.

Computers are just things that make funny noises when you hit certain keys, especially ones that delete things that might be important or change the zoom level to 500%, making it impossible to revert back unless you know the keyboard shortcut.

I've come home to my icons rearranged, my mic detached from its shock mount, and a having seen me spew a crap ton of gibberish into JonOfAllGame's livestream chat. Shoutout to that time that Kylie made the "L" key log me off of my computer as well. That was a good time.

Clothes ultimately are giant bibs. It's almost assured that the moment you put clean clothes on a toddler, those clothes will be covered in things you didn't know were in your home.  Pants are also optional as it's far more enjoyable to run around without them.

They will find the things you stash, stash the things you need, and change your phone's language to one you've never heard of.

They will pick up on things that you do, such as wiping off a movie disc with your sleeve or what time you take your meds. They will want things they have no business wanting, but avoid things you know they like just because they aren't in the mood.

In the last six months, Kylie has learned how to fist bump, high five, double high five, spit in the sink, wipe after she's peed in her diaper (potty training; ugh), tell us that she's pooped, told me NO WAY to anything she doesn't want to do, and scratched up my face more times than I care to admit (I currently have a small scratch on my nose thanks to her).

She's also learned that the couch springs are really bouncy, and couple this with her recent discovery of actual jumping, and I often come home to cushions on the floor and a child bouncing on the love seat.

It sounds horrific and entertaining at the same time, and it is.

But she's so much fun. She likes to run around and be chased. She's turned me into a slide and kicked me off the couch ("my spot!"). She yells "I got you!" when she grabs my arm and we have spent many nights hiding under the blanket from, well, who knows. But if I speak too loud, she looks at me and shushes me.

We take walks outside when it's nice. She sits in my lap when I'm at my computer and watches Jon and others stream (she particularly likes Jon's stream and anyone playing Mario). She often can be found cuddling up in the morning and evening when she's not playing.

She likes to be tossed around, but she also sometimes just wants to be left alone to be in her own world with whatever toy she has. She can sit for upwards of a half hour sometimes just minding her own business playing. Those are some of my favorite moments because she's clearly in her own world, not worried about a thing.

I've realized there are few things more peaceful than a child sleeping. I knew it before Kylie, but it's become even more evident now that I've been able to occasionally watch her in her sleep. Everything seems all right in her world at that moment.

Then I remember I have all her damn blocks to clean up because she dumped them on the floor and then kicked them all over the place.

Being a parent is truly not for everyone though. You need patience, you need understanding, and you need Tums sometimes to survive them at their worst. Kylie has her days when she's whiny and crying over virtually everything. She cries a lot when I leave, but I know she gets over it.

Yet all the bad goes out the window when I walk in the door (or haven't even made it to the building) and I hear her yelling "Daddy!" and she comes running full speed at me to hug my leg and show me what she was doing.

Except when she's covered in baby powder.

The main thing I want to impart on you is to enjoy your kids. Remember they're still learning and you're one of the most important teachers they have. Treasure the time you have because you never know when life will step in and change things on you.

Especially you single parents out there. It isn't always easy, especially if you are at the point I'll be at in a few months where you don't get to see your kid every day. Make the most of the time you have and don't hold on to the negative.

Oh, and go win the lottery and give me $10 million.

Let's talk 2016

Let's be really honest.

2015 was not a good year.

Yes, there were good moments (virtually anything involving Kylie and getting a modest raise at work among the highlights), but it was a turbulent year filled with a lot of ups and downs, including the ending of a long relationship that nearly crashed and burned in the process.

I don't want turbulent anymore. I want better.

I want calm.

I know that's a pipe dream. Life in itself isn't calm. Things happen that you have NO control over, and those things can take a calm life and turn it upside down. 

There are things that could happen. Someone could get injured or pass away. My car could break down. There are a litany of unknown things that could happen to completely upset the calm that I look to achieve.

I accept that because that's life. However, I will do my damndest to avoid it happening to me.

I want 2016 to be great. I want it to be successful. I want the best for everyone and things to break my way a few times. I want to better take advantage of whatever opportunities come my way (and believe me, fewer come your way as you get older).

But mostly, I just want the year to be great for Kylie.

I've been stressing this for months now and it continues to hold true. I want happiness for Kylie, whether if she's with me or with her mother. I see far too many parents bicker over what's best for their kid after they've gone their separate ways and that's just not good for the kid.

When she's with me, she's number one. Even if she's not with me during the week, she's still number one. This is something ALL will be expected to understand. If you can't, then get the fudge out and don't let the door hit you.

Seriously though, it's not about what I want. It's about what's best for that child. If it means missing some time with her so she can do something fun with her mom, then there shouldn't be an issue with it. Too many parents are unwilling to swallow their pride and work together to ensure their kid is happy. They want to be in control and determine what happens.

So I want her to have a great year no matter where she's at.

Ultimately, this year needs to be a year when I take a new step forward. One way or another, my life needs to be better when 2016 closes out. 

It means being a better person overall.

No, it does mean the snark is going away. Snarkiness will always be a part of who I am, but picking and choosing when to be snarky needs to improve.

It means putting 100% behind what I'm doing, not 75% and hoping no one notices the slacking I did on the other 25%.

It means branching out and trying new things.

It means fixing what I can fix and not stressing about the things I can't fix.

In my head, there are several things I'd like to be better with and the hope is that putting these ideas into writing will help keep me on track. 

Here are some things I'd like to accomplish in 2016:

• Get back into running and working out on a regular basis.
  
• Be a better coworker
  
• Be a better/more consistent friend
  
• Make the most of the time I get with Kylie
  
• Get back into my YouTube/Twitch hobby and improve with it
  
• Build/buy a new, more powerful PC
  
• Make as many new connections as possible and maintain those connections
  
• Start putting money aside in the hopes of getting a house in the future
  
• Win the lottery
  
• Take care of everyone close to me after winning the lottery
  
• Fix my damn teeth
  
• Enjoy where life takes me

I know the chances of winning the lottery are insanely slim, but I have so many ideas of what I'd do if I did win it's not funny. I'd obviously take care of those closest to me, but I'd also build a house, buy a new car (or two), set up the gaming/recording room of my dreams, do the YouTube/Twitch thing full-time, take Kylie to a bunch of places, and just live life freely.

No, it's not going to happen, but I can dream, right?

Most everything else though can be achieved with a little hard work and dedication, and that's something I'm capable of doing when I'm not being a complete lazy butt.

Seriously though, I want this year to be great.

You'll note I didn't include anything about dating in this. While I believe the possibility of dating is there, it's not something I'm expecting as I will be spending almost half the year nearly completely focused on work and Kylie, so time will not be on my side for most anything else that isn't necessary.

While it would be nice to be with someone who supports me and all that fun stuff, it's not something that's required for me to be happy. It would just be a nice bonus if it were to happen. I'm not going to be the type that requires a relationship to be happy with myself. If it happens, it's because that person adds that much more to my life.

There's some excitement, but also uncertainty with this year. I don't know where I'm going to be come July, but I will be somewhere in the general area. I do know my weekends will be strictly Kylie time, and even some of my time during the week.

The idea is to make the most of the year. You're either along for the ride, or you're not part of it at all.

Here's to a great 2016 for not just myself, but for everyone.

We can all do better.

The troubles with dating

I wasn't going to write anything tonight.

In fact, my plan was to edit a video for a game series that I finished recording back in July, but still haven't finished editing the footage. As is often the case with me, I keep meaning to get around to it and just haven't and it's unfortunate as it prevents my YouTube channel from growing much.

But this isn't about my channel. It's not about video games. It's not even really too much about me.

I've been occasionally perusing a dating web site, seeing what kind of women are floating around on these sites, and have found myself consistently, yet unsurprisingly, wondering why they're even bothering to put a profile up when they're as bitter as they are.

Some aren't as bitter as others, but there's a large portion of the crowd who think men are despicable (not far from the truth) and that all men are worthless (not so true) and wonder if there's one out there to prove them wrong.

Now, full disclosure: I have little to no intention of dating anyone until after I've moved. There's just far too much going on right now to the point that I wouldn't be able to dedicate the amount of time I'd like to, and I'm simply not going to do that to anyone. I'm simply seeing what could potentially be there when I decide the time is right, if I decide to go the route of online browsing.

Now, I've always noticed that women tend to place men in one unifyingly large category and that category is "all men are assholes/jerks/fucktards" and so on. It's always bothered me, but I also knew if someone felt that strongly about men, it was likely going to take a MONUMENTAL shift in their mentality caused by an extraordinary guy for them to think differently, and I'm simply not that.

I'm not interested in THAT much effort to win someone over, and frankly don't need the aggravation that comes with constantly having to prove myself over and over again. I have a little girl. Your petty issues with the men you've previously chosen to date are fairly insignificant and not something I'm interested in spending a lot of time dealing with.

It sounds harsh, but it's the truth. I don't have time for the games. I'm not going to chase someone. I'm not going to go through a ton of trials to "prove" that I'm worthy. I'll present who I am, flaws and all, and you can take it or leave it. If you choose not to take me as I am, well, I'm not going to lose sleep over it.

Yet here are all these profiles on these sites with women "fed up," "about to give up," "done with the little boys" asking where the "real men are" and that they probably won't even stay on the site long because of all the creeps that message them.

Now, admittedly, it's hard for women. There ARE a lot of creeps out there who are only interested in sticking their dongles in a woman and moving on to the next conquest. They sadly exist, just like there are indeed women only interested in romping around for a night or two then moving on. It's not what many are looking for, but there are a fair amount of people who just want to "hit it and quit it," to quote the cool kids.

If you're a decent-looking woman, you're probably receiving dozens upon dozens of messages a day from all types of guys and it probably becomes frustrating trying to weed out the rotten ones from the good ones. I can only imagine logging on, seeing all the visitors in the world, all the messages, and having to figure out if anyone's worth responding to. I can imagine it becomes easier to say screw it and walk away.

I can understand that.

What bothers me more are the people, yes I said people, who hate the opposite sex, who treat all members of the opposite sex as if they're trash and not worth even looking at, all because of some lousy relationships. Maybe I haven't been hurt bad enough by someone, but I've NEVER sat and thought "god I hate women. They're all the same! They're all a bunch of trashy sluts!"

I've always chalked up a bad relationship to bad breaks, people changing, sometimes a poor choice, or just things beyond my control wreaking havoc. It's life and mistakes happen. This isn't to imply that I consider all women I've dated to be mistakes as I've learned a lot about myself and the opposite sex through those relationships, but clearly things happened that indicated it wasn' meant to be and that's okay.

I just think some get so caught up in being hurt that they decide that it's going to happen again, which automatically sets you up for failure in the future.

Many have been cheated on, so they assume it's going to happen again. Or they've been lied to, so they can't trust anyone, even if the new person has done NOTHING to indicate they'd lie. They automatically take the failures of the last person and apply them to the new person, rather than giving the new person a clean slate.

But ultimately, shouldn't some of you hating on the opposite sex take a step back and look at yourself for a minute? You did make the choice to go out with the people you went out with, right? You did decide that this person was worth your time, right? I mean, no one put a gun to your head and say you had to date this lying, dirty, no good man/woman, right?

It just seems that so many don't learn from previous relationships soon enough. They fail to see warning signs early enough to prevent them from being hurt, or worse, they settle because this person was interested in them.

They keep on settling after that, the pattern repeats, and now you have a bitter person who has complete disdain for the opposite sex, yet in a way, probably is yearning for that companionship.

Obviously, it goes far deeper than that simple explanation. Everyone's mental make up is different and not everyone reacts the same to the same situation, but it just seems some hold a grudge against those who they've never even met because of some poor choices.

Now, this does not exonerate the men and women who treat each other poorly. Simply put, if you treat your significant person like shit, cheat on them, beat them, and belittle them just because you can, well, you can take a 2x4 to the face for all I care. There are a lot of shitty people out there in the world who don't care about others and just like to put others down because it makes them feel better. It's unfortunate but true.

It just doesn't make sense to me to be on a dating site if you aren't going to give someone a fair shake. If you're going to put in your profile you don't trust men, why be on there? If you think everyone is the same, then what's the point? If mentally, you can't give someone a fair chance to show you they're different, then you really shouldn't even be visible to those.

I just find it frustrating. So many have been in bad relationships and hold grudges. If you're holding a grudge, you haven't moved on and shouldn't be looking for anything anyway.

I've been in bad relationships before and I certainly know how to hold a grudge. If I don't want to talk to someone, you won't hear a peep from me for many months or more if I choose. Yet I don't hold those past issues against someone new. Yes, I'll be looking for signs of a repeat performance, but ultimately, you'll be given a fair chance to show me that you're different.

But confidence and self-esteem are funny things that can wreak havoc on a person's mind and perception of themselves and those around them. Some just don't feel good about themselves, so they feel better when someone gives them attention, even if it comes at the cost of potentially being treated very poorly.

I've seen it before. A woman is treated like crap by a guy, but he gives her a little positive attention and because her self-esteem is so low, she goes back even though she knows it's going to go bad again. No matter how often it happens, the cycle can continue for months and years until the woman has enough.

When they finally break it, they trust no one and then become bitter because they're lonely. It's sad and ultimately hard to fix.

Just my two cents worth on that.

To be honest, I'm not going to be all crazy about dating anyway. I've never cared for the games that some women play when it comes to dating and I certainly don't have the time for them now. I've always had the mentality if two people are interested in each other, they should at least see what could be there.

I used to find dating slightly exciting, yet terrifying. Now I'm just so meh about it. I have far bigger concerns. I have a little girl who means the world to me and in the end, if I never dated again, I would likely be okay with that. I'd never be completely lonely just because of her presence in my life, so chasing women is even less appealing now than it was when I was 25.

I used to be too worried about how I was perceived by woman when I was younger. I was someone who wanted attention, so the moment a girl showed any kind of interest, I was ALL over it like I had never received any attention before. Some of this goes back to when I was bullied as a kid, some of it is from not having a strong male figure in my life for much of my childhood. I just craved attention from women, so I settled a lot.

It took one particularly rough experience for me to learn my lesson and become a bit more selective, but I'm still not completely succeeding wildly when it comes to dating. My last relationship was the longest, but still ended and almost took a very dark turn before things settled down.

Yes, I was bullied as a kid. A lot. I dealt with a lot of name-calling, a lot of intimidation, and just general belittlement from those around me. My confidence was suffering and people seemed to take joy in it. It took a lot of work to get past those moments and realize that people will be shitty if you let them, but if you ignore them, they tend to disappear.

I still struggled with perception over the years though. I still craved attention from the opposite sex to compensate for not feeling good about myself. It took a lot of work to fix the issues I had with my self-esteem, and even now sometimes struggle with it if I think about it too much. It's never enough to drag me down, but it still happens.

I know what my worth is, and I refuse to chase when it comes to dating. I don't care for hard to get or having to prove myself over and over again. I'm certainly not a perfect individual (my teeth alone are a major buzzkill for most women I'd imagine), but I do try my best at the end of the day.

I don't hate the idea of dating. There are just simply so many beautiful women out there with solid personalities that at some point the person I'm meant to be with will come along. I just won't go searching every nook and cranny of the world to find that woman. Whether I already know her or not, she's out there and she'll pop in my life when the time is right, Kylie will accept her, and things will be golden.

Until then, I continue to lay low when it comes to dating. I'm not in any position to date while my ex is still my roommate (a major turnoff for some reason) and I simply can't promise the time I'd like to devote to dating someone, especially since right now I'm trying to focus on Kylie as much as I can. 

I have a few things personally I need to improve, such as my level of fitness (very poor at the moment sadly), my teeth, and I need to be solid financially. As I said, I'm not perfect and I never will be. I will always have flaws, just like the women on these sites have their own flaws that must be accepted.

Now, just a few more things to touch on before I call it a day with this entry.

• I'm astounded at the number of women on these sites who have one or more kids, want you to accept those kids, but will say they won't date a guy with kids himself. I mean, I do get it to an extent, but don't ask for concessions you aren't willing to make yourself.
  
• There is an insane number of fake profiles out there. From fake pictures to spam accounts, it's remarkable how easy it can be to spot them anymore. I tend to fixate on people with profiles that appear to be genuinely written, not copied and pasted, and with pictures that aren't modeling pictures.
  
• I'm also amazed at how many people are vegetarian anymore. It's a deal-breaker for me so it can be a bummer sometimes, but just something I've noticed.
  
• I chuckle when I see someone repeatedly mention they don't want drama and are drama-free, so don't bring your drama around them. Experience as taught me people who repeatedly mention themselves being free of drama usually are the ones who cause drama.
  
• Some have incredibly strict standards and don't compromise. That's good. Know what you're looking for, stick with it, and don't make exceptions just because some decent looking guy says you're pretty. If you know what you want, go for it and don't settle for less.

Finally, I want to touch on something that has repeatedly popped up on me in my lifetime. It seems to become a topic of discussion every so often, especially when people don't completely understand how I grew up.

I'M NOT GAY.

Now, I have no issue with the gay/lesbian/transgender/whateveryouare communities. I have all the respect in the world for them and the struggles they've endured over the years, particularly from bible thumpers who like to pick and choose what parts of the bible they follow (looks directly at all the people with tattoos calling homosexuality a sin).

This seems to rear its head every so often and I admittedly have some feministic mannerisms that I've tried to correct, but they're so ingrained in my head that I can't. My ex has commented a few times that she wondered if I was or not and apparently her step dad has made numerous comments about it "having to be true," so I feel compelled to again remind the general population that I am most definitely attracted to women.

This is where I remind people that I didn't have a strong male figure in my life until I was in high school, grew up with two sisters and my mom, and for much of my life always worked with primarily women. I'm not super masculine in some ways, so I can see how this might cause some to wonder, but there isn't anything to wonder about.

I'm straight, have no interest in men in any kind of sexual manner, yet know this will likely always be a minor issue to deal with.

I just wanted to put that out there in case anyone else was wondering about it (or being rude about it).

It's sad it even has to be addressed, but some people like to make assumptions just because they can.

Anyway, if you have any comments or questions, you know what to do, particularly if it's to add to the discussion on dating any why it's so difficult for so many.

Why I'm a horrible friend

Let me start by saying that this isn't a cry for help, or me trying to say I'm depressed in any way shape or form.

I'm not.

This is simply an explanation of some very long-standing habits that I've had since I can remember to try and help all of you understand a little better what goes on inside my head when it comes to communicating with most of you, even if you're a friend going back 10 years or more.

I've sat and thought about how to word this for almost a week since I announced on social media (personal FB page, gaming FB page, Twitter) that I was going to be writing about how I'm a bad friend and why I don't talk to people nearly as much as I should. I still haven't found the exact words I want, but I figured I needed to at least get started so I didn't lose the ones I have now.

I've always been fairly introverted around people I don't know. I'm not the type of person who will approach someone and strike up a conversation and if I'm in a group of people I don't know, I have very little to say. This has always had a fairly reasonable impact in dating as even if I felt fairly certain a girl was interested in me, I still had significant trouble mustering up the courage to speak to them.

I've improved at my social skills as the years have gone by, but I still struggle with it to this day and it greatly impacts the relationships that I've developed with people, and in some cases, sadly have lost because of my poor communication skills.

I'm just simply not the type of person who reaches out to people very often. I often think about it and intend to, or think that certain times would be good, but often forget about it shortly after deciding it would be a good idea.

It's a weak excuse, but the number of times I've decided that I was going to contact someone, only to lose track of time until it's well after midnight is pretty bad. I simply forget about it and get caught up in other things, sometimes important, sometimes not, and don't recall my original intent until it's too late (or I perceive it to be too late; I'm weird about that too).

In other words, I overthink the process of contacting people.

If it's during the day, I often fear that I'll be interrupting something more important and decide against it. If it's at night, even if I know there isn't a chance they're asleep, I fear waking them.

It isn't limited to any particular person either. Close friends, distant friends, and family are all likely to get treated this way. It isn't necessarily because I'm trying to avoid them, but rather it comes down a basic inferiority complex I've always had.

I can't pinpoint when I developed it either, I just know I've always felt like I wasn't good enough for others. It used to bother me a lot when I was younger (I was probably starving for positive attention from others outside of my immediate family and just not getting it), but as time has gone on, it's become a smaller issue for me.

It's still there though, and it doesn't always take a lot for it to rear its ugly head, particularly if I feel someone is belittling the way I do something. At those points I have to fight through it a bit more and realize there probably wasn't anything malicious about it.

In essence, I've always felt relatively unimportant to those around me. It's impact these days is FAR less significant than it used to be, but it still pops up from time to time.

Again, not trying to make it sound like it's crippling for me. Typically if I feel it, it only lasts for a brief moment before it passes and regain my mojo.

Yes I said mojo. Deal with it.

When I was younger? It definitely affected me more and would cause me to become withdrawn from virtually everyone around me. I wouldn't speak to many and if I did, it was short and to the point. If I had to choose between going somewhere with others or staying home, I'd stay home.

These days, that's not an issue. Sure, I have moments where I don't feel like doing things, but I don't feel the need to completely withdraw from everyone around me.

Unfortunately, one way the inferiority still holds on is picking up a phone and even texting someone, much less calling them. I just struggle with it, even if I know it's been a while since I've talked to said person. I have this unexplainable fear when it comes to calling others, even if I KNOW I need to.

But I never want to get in the way of what people are doing, which is pretty insane since I'm fairly certain most of my friends/family would not complain if I called on occasion to say hi and see how things were going.

Now, I do have legitimate reasons for not taking a lot of time to call people. I do work, and after work I'm pretty busy with Kylie until she goes to bed right now, but I won't have that excuse in a few months when I've moved out and I don't have her around every day anymore.

Even so, I know certain people (Lennie and Sarah come to mind), are usually still up when I have Kylie down, so the child kept me busy isn't a great excuse. I could conceivably call them after she goes to bed, but then that's where the "I don't want to bug them if they're busy" issue comes back around.

I could go into further detail on this, but I feel I've summed it up fairly nicely to this point. I don't think the inferiority issue should be an acceptable excuse, and it shouldn't make anyone say "oh that's okay" if I suddenly talk to them after several weeks or months, but I do want people to understand why it happens and what goes on in my brain when it's happening.

I also want to reiterate one last time, I'm not depressed or think I'm worthless. My confidence, despite the issue I have with my teeth, is fairly high and I know I'm a worthwhile person. I just always feel there are more important things people could be doing than talking to me.

If you have any questions about this, feel free to reach out to me on any of my social media links, which are in this post and in the blog overall.

Thanks for reading this.

Life changes, people not so much

I think it goes without saying that it's been turbulent around these parts of late. Some know more than others of course, but this isn't going to be a post spilling all the beans about everything that's gone on.

Those who needed to know about anything, well they already know. If you don't, then you probably didn't need to know. Either way, exposing things in this public of a forum probably won't lead to good things, so I'm not going to do that.

What you need to know is that life for me is changing. It's evolving slowly from one thing into something that will be somewhat different in a few months. The biggest change will be the fact that at some point, I won't be seeing Kylie every day like I've become accustomed to.

This is a fairly normal thing when relationships fail, and while I never hoped for that to happen, the reality I'm facing is different from the one I perceived a few years ago.

Again, this isn't to sling mud in anyone's direction. We all make mistakes when relationships fail and there are always things each person could've done better. Sure, someone may be "more guilty" than the other, but that's nitpicking and doesn't resolve anything.

I was doing what's become my nightly walk the other night, and I started thinking more about how life seems to change on a whim, yet people for the most part are stubborn to change. Sure, you may do some things differently, but a lot of people are resistant to change and often go back to old habits when things get difficult.

The best example I can use is when someone's addicted to drugs. They struggle the most with changing their habits, changing their ways. Drugs become such a huge part of who they are that they sometimes lose sight of who they were before drugs. I've seen people lead good lives, then start up with drugs and that good life is demolished.

Drug addicts have a hard time breaking the addiction and even if they do beat it initially, they sometimes fall back into those old habits if something bad happens in their life.

People are creatures of habit though. We do the things we do because we're comfortable with it, whether it be how we do something, where we go, and how we come to the decisions we make. You can know the decision you're making is wrong, but you do it anyway because it's the more comfortable decision.

Very rarely do people willingly step out of their comfort zones, and often if they do, the experiment doesn't last long as it becomes scary to them.

Now I do realize there are people who aren't like that. They do step out of their comfort zones and experience life as fully as possible. But those people seem to be the exception rather than the rule as many aren't willing to do that.

We know what kind of food we like, we know what kind of people we prefer to hang out with, what kind of people we're willing to date, and what kind of hobbies we're going to take part in.

And when life gets rough, we run back to what we know. We all have our security blankets. For many, it's a family member (hi mom!), but for others, it's a friend they've known for a while; someone they know they can talk to and get honest, sound advice.

And life gets rough frequently. It flips you up on your head when you least expect it and then kicks you for good measure. It mocks you and reminds you that in the scheme of things, you're just one person in a world filled with living things. It constantly reminds you that the world goes on even as you struggle.

The world is constantly changing, evolving, and continuing forward. 

Bear with me as I'm currently trying to remember the thoughts I had the other night. They were so fluid, so cohesive, so of course they aren't so much at this point.

The main thing I've trying to assert is that people struggle with change often because they're afraid of change. It scares them and causes them to do whatever they can to prevent the change from happening. They don't know how to deal with the change and it can cause irrational actions in some.

Yet life carries on. It doesn't care if you're struggling or not.

How does this relate to me and what's been going on? Not a whole lot. Am I scared of the change that's coming? No. I'm a little apprehensive, but at the same time, I'm ready for a new chapter in my life, even if that new chapter features less Kylie.

It isn't because I want to get away from Kylie and others, but rather I feel it's time for a little bit of change; a different routine perhaps.

The reality of her not being in my life every day has sunk in in recent weeks and has caused me to rethink some of my priorities in the short term. I feel it important to spend as much time with her as possible while I can because that will be changing at some point. I know this, and while I'm not sure I'm ready for it, I won't have a choice because life is going to decide for me regardless.

The time I have with her is precious to me and no one is going to be more important than her in the coming months. This last weekend it was just Kylie and me and it was great. We had fun, and while it's sometimes daunting realizing it's just you, it's also energizing. You know you have to deal with whatever's going on and she was dependent on me to take care of what she needed.

This weekend is more of the same. While I would love to go hang out with my friends for Sarah and my birthday, it's not entirely likely I'd be willing to even if I were able. I think about the idea of the child waking up and me not being there by my own choice rips me apart. I can't handle it. I don't want to handle it.

This isn't a slight on anyone, just a reflection of how much I value that little girl of mine.

As I went about my day, I made the decision to avoid my phone most of the time. It sat on my desk for the most part and sure, I'd occasionally check it, but it wasn't very often and when I did have a text, tweet, or notification of some sort, I'd check it and respond if needed, but it was low priority stuff for me.

At the end of the day, I felt satisfied. I felt happy. This felt like how the future would be to me.

So I decided at that point that when I'm alone with my child, I'm not going to be checking my phone or spending a lot of time on it. If I have a moment, I will respond to a text or phone call if it's there, but the chances of me reaching out to you on my own will be slim.

If you can't handle or accept that, then you have no business being in my life.

Now I'm sure once I'm officially moved and seeing Kylie when I'm supposed to I'll reconsider certain things (for example, availability when she's not with me), but if it's my time with her, then everyone will need to respect that.

This means a lot of things will be on hold. I'm not going to get into specifics, but the chances of something being more important than my child (aside from work, sleep, etc) are very, VERY slim.

While life has been up and down, I feel that the decision to focus on my child is the right one and a change that I need to make to match up with the changes going on in my life overall.

Thanks for reading and understanding.

Life can be so weird

This is kind of a spur of the moment post.

I really didn't have any plans of writing, and I certainly don't have a whole lot thought out as I start this, so there's no real way to tell how it's going to turn out.

A lot has happened in my life. There have been minor changes, big changes, and holy-shit I didn't see that coming types of changes. I've grown up a lot in the last 10 years and have learned to take on a new perspective on any number of things that can and probably will happen.

The thing about life is you can never really tell what's going to happen. Even the most stable of individuals will likely have to deal with some kind of adversity at some point. Many will handle it just fine, but some will completely crumble under the pressure, thus changing their lives forever.

As some may know, my 4 year relationship with Rachel ended recently. I'm not going to hash out a bunch of details because that wouldn't be fair to Rachel and frankly much of it is the business of no one. Was there frustration? Yes, on both sides. But in the end, we have a child together, and that child is still there even if the relationship isn't. Kylie doesn't disappear because we couldn't make it work.

I don't want it to be like how it is with her other ex, where he's a turd and makes things difficult. Truth is, she's not difficult to work with. We've already discussed a number of scenarios involving dealing with Kylie once we're living separately.

Simply put, it makes more sense for the parents to work together as opposed to against each other. But most struggle with doing that. 

But I'm not going to spend a ton of time talking about domestic relations and what could be in regards to my relationship with my ex. What you need to know is it needs to be civil and anyone who comes into my life is going to have to understand that.

Dating is going to be the more tricky thing when the time comes right. Whoever I date is going to not only accept that I have a child, but that my ex is still part of my life being the mother of my child. They aren't going to just be impressing me, but they'll have to impress Kylie.  Time is going to be limited and if the woman can't handle that, well, then it isn't going to work.

I'm not going parade one woman after another into Kylie's life. I'm not going to be making rush decisions in regards to dating. Everything will have to be meticulously planned out and the woman will have to realize that my child comes first, no exceptions.

The main thing I've come to realize now is that I'm very ho-hum when it comes to dealing with stuff like dating or anything else potentially stressful. If it's something out of my control, I'm not going to spend a lot of time fretting about it.  I will worry about what I can control and go from there.

I'm not going to fall over myself trying to impress a woman. It isn't about that. I'm not going to stress about if I'm going to be able to go out much. It's simply not that important. If someone likes what I'm doing or something about me, great. If they don't, well, keep on moving because I don't have time for that mess.

Seriously though, life can hit you hard and fast. One minute you're thinking about a child-to-be, contemplating how life is going to change, next you're contemplating what life as a single dad is going to be like.

How you handle those changes that come at you will ultimately determine how the situation turns out.

I know this isn't the longest post I've written, but an old friend said hi to me tonight and reminded me how much I used to enjoy writing. I can't promise this means I'll write more, but it was nice to be reminded that some people have really enjoyed my little blurbs from time to time.

I was specifically reminded of the Christmas Lists I used to do each year. I haven't done one since 2011.

It might be time to do a new one.

It might just be time to start anew overall.