I think it goes without saying that it's been turbulent around these parts of late. Some know more than others of course, but this isn't going to be a post spilling all the beans about everything that's gone on.
Those who needed to know about anything, well they already know. If you don't, then you probably didn't need to know. Either way, exposing things in this public of a forum probably won't lead to good things, so I'm not going to do that.
What you need to know is that life for me is changing. It's evolving slowly from one thing into something that will be somewhat different in a few months. The biggest change will be the fact that at some point, I won't be seeing Kylie every day like I've become accustomed to.
This is a fairly normal thing when relationships fail, and while I never hoped for that to happen, the reality I'm facing is different from the one I perceived a few years ago.
Again, this isn't to sling mud in anyone's direction. We all make mistakes when relationships fail and there are always things each person could've done better. Sure, someone may be "more guilty" than the other, but that's nitpicking and doesn't resolve anything.
I was doing what's become my nightly walk the other night, and I started thinking more about how life seems to change on a whim, yet people for the most part are stubborn to change. Sure, you may do some things differently, but a lot of people are resistant to change and often go back to old habits when things get difficult.
The best example I can use is when someone's addicted to drugs. They struggle the most with changing their habits, changing their ways. Drugs become such a huge part of who they are that they sometimes lose sight of who they were before drugs. I've seen people lead good lives, then start up with drugs and that good life is demolished.
Drug addicts have a hard time breaking the addiction and even if they do beat it initially, they sometimes fall back into those old habits if something bad happens in their life.
People are creatures of habit though. We do the things we do because we're comfortable with it, whether it be how we do something, where we go, and how we come to the decisions we make. You can know the decision you're making is wrong, but you do it anyway because it's the more comfortable decision.
Very rarely do people willingly step out of their comfort zones, and often if they do, the experiment doesn't last long as it becomes scary to them.
Now I do realize there are people who aren't like that. They do step out of their comfort zones and experience life as fully as possible. But those people seem to be the exception rather than the rule as many aren't willing to do that.
We know what kind of food we like, we know what kind of people we prefer to hang out with, what kind of people we're willing to date, and what kind of hobbies we're going to take part in.
And when life gets rough, we run back to what we know. We all have our security blankets. For many, it's a family member (hi mom!), but for others, it's a friend they've known for a while; someone they know they can talk to and get honest, sound advice.
And life gets rough frequently. It flips you up on your head when you least expect it and then kicks you for good measure. It mocks you and reminds you that in the scheme of things, you're just one person in a world filled with living things. It constantly reminds you that the world goes on even as you struggle.
The world is constantly changing, evolving, and continuing forward.
Bear with me as I'm currently trying to remember the thoughts I had the other night. They were so fluid, so cohesive, so of course they aren't so much at this point.
The main thing I've trying to assert is that people struggle with change often because they're afraid of change. It scares them and causes them to do whatever they can to prevent the change from happening. They don't know how to deal with the change and it can cause irrational actions in some.
Yet life carries on. It doesn't care if you're struggling or not.
How does this relate to me and what's been going on? Not a whole lot. Am I scared of the change that's coming? No. I'm a little apprehensive, but at the same time, I'm ready for a new chapter in my life, even if that new chapter features less Kylie.
It isn't because I want to get away from Kylie and others, but rather I feel it's time for a little bit of change; a different routine perhaps.
The reality of her not being in my life every day has sunk in in recent weeks and has caused me to rethink some of my priorities in the short term. I feel it important to spend as much time with her as possible while I can because that will be changing at some point. I know this, and while I'm not sure I'm ready for it, I won't have a choice because life is going to decide for me regardless.
The time I have with her is precious to me and no one is going to be more important than her in the coming months. This last weekend it was just Kylie and me and it was great. We had fun, and while it's sometimes daunting realizing it's just you, it's also energizing. You know you have to deal with whatever's going on and she was dependent on me to take care of what she needed.
This weekend is more of the same. While I would love to go hang out with my friends for Sarah and my birthday, it's not entirely likely I'd be willing to even if I were able. I think about the idea of the child waking up and me not being there by my own choice rips me apart. I can't handle it. I don't want to handle it.
This isn't a slight on anyone, just a reflection of how much I value that little girl of mine.
As I went about my day, I made the decision to avoid my phone most of the time. It sat on my desk for the most part and sure, I'd occasionally check it, but it wasn't very often and when I did have a text, tweet, or notification of some sort, I'd check it and respond if needed, but it was low priority stuff for me.
At the end of the day, I felt satisfied. I felt happy. This felt like how the future would be to me.
So I decided at that point that when I'm alone with my child, I'm not going to be checking my phone or spending a lot of time on it. If I have a moment, I will respond to a text or phone call if it's there, but the chances of me reaching out to you on my own will be slim.
If you can't handle or accept that, then you have no business being in my life.
Now I'm sure once I'm officially moved and seeing Kylie when I'm supposed to I'll reconsider certain things (for example, availability when she's not with me), but if it's my time with her, then everyone will need to respect that.
This means a lot of things will be on hold. I'm not going to get into specifics, but the chances of something being more important than my child (aside from work, sleep, etc) are very, VERY slim.
While life has been up and down, I feel that the decision to focus on my child is the right one and a change that I need to make to match up with the changes going on in my life overall.
Thanks for reading and understanding.
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