Life changes, people not so much

I think it goes without saying that it's been turbulent around these parts of late. Some know more than others of course, but this isn't going to be a post spilling all the beans about everything that's gone on.

Those who needed to know about anything, well they already know. If you don't, then you probably didn't need to know. Either way, exposing things in this public of a forum probably won't lead to good things, so I'm not going to do that.

What you need to know is that life for me is changing. It's evolving slowly from one thing into something that will be somewhat different in a few months. The biggest change will be the fact that at some point, I won't be seeing Kylie every day like I've become accustomed to.

This is a fairly normal thing when relationships fail, and while I never hoped for that to happen, the reality I'm facing is different from the one I perceived a few years ago.

Again, this isn't to sling mud in anyone's direction. We all make mistakes when relationships fail and there are always things each person could've done better. Sure, someone may be "more guilty" than the other, but that's nitpicking and doesn't resolve anything.

I was doing what's become my nightly walk the other night, and I started thinking more about how life seems to change on a whim, yet people for the most part are stubborn to change. Sure, you may do some things differently, but a lot of people are resistant to change and often go back to old habits when things get difficult.

The best example I can use is when someone's addicted to drugs. They struggle the most with changing their habits, changing their ways. Drugs become such a huge part of who they are that they sometimes lose sight of who they were before drugs. I've seen people lead good lives, then start up with drugs and that good life is demolished.

Drug addicts have a hard time breaking the addiction and even if they do beat it initially, they sometimes fall back into those old habits if something bad happens in their life.

People are creatures of habit though. We do the things we do because we're comfortable with it, whether it be how we do something, where we go, and how we come to the decisions we make. You can know the decision you're making is wrong, but you do it anyway because it's the more comfortable decision.

Very rarely do people willingly step out of their comfort zones, and often if they do, the experiment doesn't last long as it becomes scary to them.

Now I do realize there are people who aren't like that. They do step out of their comfort zones and experience life as fully as possible. But those people seem to be the exception rather than the rule as many aren't willing to do that.

We know what kind of food we like, we know what kind of people we prefer to hang out with, what kind of people we're willing to date, and what kind of hobbies we're going to take part in.

And when life gets rough, we run back to what we know. We all have our security blankets. For many, it's a family member (hi mom!), but for others, it's a friend they've known for a while; someone they know they can talk to and get honest, sound advice.

And life gets rough frequently. It flips you up on your head when you least expect it and then kicks you for good measure. It mocks you and reminds you that in the scheme of things, you're just one person in a world filled with living things. It constantly reminds you that the world goes on even as you struggle.

The world is constantly changing, evolving, and continuing forward. 

Bear with me as I'm currently trying to remember the thoughts I had the other night. They were so fluid, so cohesive, so of course they aren't so much at this point.

The main thing I've trying to assert is that people struggle with change often because they're afraid of change. It scares them and causes them to do whatever they can to prevent the change from happening. They don't know how to deal with the change and it can cause irrational actions in some.

Yet life carries on. It doesn't care if you're struggling or not.

How does this relate to me and what's been going on? Not a whole lot. Am I scared of the change that's coming? No. I'm a little apprehensive, but at the same time, I'm ready for a new chapter in my life, even if that new chapter features less Kylie.

It isn't because I want to get away from Kylie and others, but rather I feel it's time for a little bit of change; a different routine perhaps.

The reality of her not being in my life every day has sunk in in recent weeks and has caused me to rethink some of my priorities in the short term. I feel it important to spend as much time with her as possible while I can because that will be changing at some point. I know this, and while I'm not sure I'm ready for it, I won't have a choice because life is going to decide for me regardless.

The time I have with her is precious to me and no one is going to be more important than her in the coming months. This last weekend it was just Kylie and me and it was great. We had fun, and while it's sometimes daunting realizing it's just you, it's also energizing. You know you have to deal with whatever's going on and she was dependent on me to take care of what she needed.

This weekend is more of the same. While I would love to go hang out with my friends for Sarah and my birthday, it's not entirely likely I'd be willing to even if I were able. I think about the idea of the child waking up and me not being there by my own choice rips me apart. I can't handle it. I don't want to handle it.

This isn't a slight on anyone, just a reflection of how much I value that little girl of mine.

As I went about my day, I made the decision to avoid my phone most of the time. It sat on my desk for the most part and sure, I'd occasionally check it, but it wasn't very often and when I did have a text, tweet, or notification of some sort, I'd check it and respond if needed, but it was low priority stuff for me.

At the end of the day, I felt satisfied. I felt happy. This felt like how the future would be to me.

So I decided at that point that when I'm alone with my child, I'm not going to be checking my phone or spending a lot of time on it. If I have a moment, I will respond to a text or phone call if it's there, but the chances of me reaching out to you on my own will be slim.

If you can't handle or accept that, then you have no business being in my life.

Now I'm sure once I'm officially moved and seeing Kylie when I'm supposed to I'll reconsider certain things (for example, availability when she's not with me), but if it's my time with her, then everyone will need to respect that.

This means a lot of things will be on hold. I'm not going to get into specifics, but the chances of something being more important than my child (aside from work, sleep, etc) are very, VERY slim.

While life has been up and down, I feel that the decision to focus on my child is the right one and a change that I need to make to match up with the changes going on in my life overall.

Thanks for reading and understanding.

Danger in the Crosswalk

If you follow me on Twitter, you may have seen me posting last Sunday about an incident I had while heading back to my apartment after going on a long walk with my daughter, who was in a stroller.

If you don't, why not? You missed out on quite the story!

For those of you who didn't see what happened, I was crossing route 20 in Painesville at a crosswalk with the crosswalk light indicating I could cross. Without even thinking anything could happen (which was a mistake given what nearly happened minutes earlier at another crossing), I started heading across the street, Kylie in front of me.

Suddenly, I heard a horn honk, looked to my left, and saw a car pretty much right on me. Without really thinking, I slammed my hand onto the hood of the car as it rolled into my knee, which thanks to me lifting myself up slightly, allowed me to roll off the side of the car and onto the pavement. My actions also forced the stroller in front further, thus avoiding injury to Kylie. She ended up facing the sky as the stroller fell back when I landed as I had never let go of the handle.

Almost immediately you could hear people yelling at the driver and one woman was running towards me. I later realized she was a passenger in the Jeep that had honked and multiple people, including an off-duty police officer, had called 911 before I could even get off the street.

I'll admit. I was dazed by what happened, not because I had hit my head or anything, but the shock my system temporarily went into after landing. It took a minute to realize I should check on Kylie, who looked extremely annoyed that she was looking up at the sky as opposed to forward. After looking her over and feeling relief that she wasn't hurt, I checked my knee out (which is still bruised today).

Luckily I only had a couple of scrapes and no pain in the knee (adrenaline is wonderful sometimes), so I didn't need EMS even though they arrived, along with several police officers, very quickly after the accident.

The woman herself appeared to be in shock too. When I walked over to where the police were at, she just said she never saw me. She didn't know why, she just never saw me.

This has been the part of the story that has caused confusion it seems for those that I've discussed this with. Most have said they would've been extremely angry, that they would've been yelling at the woman if they had been hit. Seriously injured or not, they would've been pissed off.

I get that. That's the natural response. That and "how could you NOT see me?"

And honestly, I wanted to be a little mad about it. I wanted to be mad because my daughter was nearly hit. I wanted to feel more outrage to an extent.

But I didn't.

And it's possible that if it happens to anyone who claims they'd be angry, I'm not so sure they'd be as angry as they think. I don't know. They probably don't really know. It's hard to tell how you're going to react because shock and adrenaline do different things to different people.

I've never been an angry outburst type of person when I feel something was done maliciously. In other words, if I feel it was an accident and the person feels bad enough, it's hard to get mad at the person.  This woman clearly felt bad, so it was hard to get mad.

Honestly, I've nearly hit people crossing because I didn't see them. You aren't always looking for pedestrians and sometimes your mind is distracted. You've made that turn a hundred times and just don't think someone could be walking through the intersection until you either come close to hitting them or nearly hit them.

Now, if Kylie had been hurt, I might have found some rage. But between not being hurt myself and her not being hurt, I was too occupied with being relieved to be mad in the least.

Plus, I learned a long time ago that negative energy doesn't get you very far, that sometimes it's better to take a look at the big picture. Yes, I was hit by a car, but I wasn't seriously hurt and my daughter was uninjured. Big picture, it could've been a lot worse if the driver of the Jeep didn't honk his horn, or if I had crossed slightly slower than I had been. Kylie most certainly would've been hit in that case and possibly injured.

In the long run, I feel relieved still. So anger is not an option for me right now.

The bigger issue is the problem of crossing the road. There are crosswalks and signs for a reason, yet many drivers ignore pedestrians or act inconvenienced if someone's crossing the street. As I mentioned before, I had nearly been hit a few moments earlier at a different crosswalk.

The difference was the guy driving through saw me clearly crossing and decided to cut me off anyway. I made eye contact with him as he drove by without a care. I yelled some things at him, yet it was pointless. He didn't care. It would've been far different if he had hit me because he KNEW I was crossing and flat-out didn't care.

I can deal with someone having a moment and not seeing me, even with my daughter involved. It happens to all of us.  I can't deal with someone who clearly doesn't care and cuts me off because his precious time is far more valuable than the safety of a pedestrian.

Anyhow, after the police ran my social and EMS had me sign off that I was okay, the police informed me that I could go home if I wanted, that they didn't need me for anything else. I thanked them, EMS, and the people who had stopped and showed they cared. This included the couple in the Jeep, the off-duty officer, and a man on a bike who had been yelling out the offending car's license plate number in case the woman fled the scene.

You all showed that unlike the jerk in the previous intersection, you gave a damn and are the type of people I can be proud of. Even the woman who hit me showed some compassion, even if she still was fairly stunned when I went to leave.

The most astounding part of the ordeal came after I was allowed to leave. I once again hit the button to get a signal to cross, but this time, I waited a moment before crossing the street.  I didn't think the odds of a third vehicle nearly hitting me were good, but I wasn't taking the chance.

It's a good thing I did so, because the obnoxiously large pick-up truck that was first in line not only went through without allowing me to cross, it peeled out as if the driver intended on getting through before I could even think about it.  I heard someone yell "what the hell is wrong with people" and one of the officers called into dispatch to report the license plate of the truck.

I then was able to FINALLY safely cross the street and head back.

Upon getting back to the apartment, I was greeted outside by a neighbor and her fiance, both of whom had driven by at different times and had seen me walking. Her fiance had actually gone by right before the car hit me, so he knew someone had been hit, and apparently when he described me and the stroller, she knew it was me.

I was appreciative again that someone showed concern and talked to both of them for a few moments.

It's just incredible to me what happened Sunday. I'm grateful I wasn't seriously hurt, but what about all the people who are, or worse, killed because someone didn't pay attention?

We're all so distracted these days too. I no longer look at my phone when I'm driving, but I see plenty of people attempting to look at their phones, or worse, text. I've seen people do things from putting on makeup, eating, or looking for something that they *need*. It's cell phones more than anything that cause issues, but sometimes it's just as simple as someone not paying attention.

The moral of the story is, don't expect people to stop for you. I know, that's a horrible thing to have to say, but it's true. Don't assume that just because you have a signal that you can cross, that everyone is going to wait for you. People are impatient and rude in a lot of cases, and you walking in front of them is a nuisance.

Pay attention to what's going on around you. If you think someone isn't going to wait for you to cross, don't tempt fate. People who are conscious of a pedestrian at a crosswalk will wait for you. They won't go and then stop suddenly. They won't start driving at all until you're out of the street.

I had an incident recently just because I wanted to cross a street. Hopefully you don't have the same thing happen to you.

Kids change things

I know.

The title is about as obvious a statement as you can make when it comes to kids and what happens.  The thing is, most probably don't realize how true it is.

Let's back up a step though.  Being in a relationship changes things.  Simple decisions aren't as simple, choices you make can often have unseen repercussions.  That simple night out with the boys is now the basis for an argument.  That extra hour to play a game means you don't want to spend time with your significant other.

These aren't things that I've necessarily experienced with Rachel, but they are things that happen.  People say they're okay with certain things, like video games and the night out, then when it happens, flip out as if you just committed the most awful sin imaginable.  Some people have earned the scrutiny that was brought onto them, but sometimes it's just an overreaction that gets taken way too far.

You have to work to manage your time better in a relationship, work to find common ground, and work together to resolve issues that pop up.  Relationships, as everyone already knows, require trust to get very far and a little bit of faith as well.  If you can't trust the person you're with, then it's bound to fail.  If you lack faith, then it can makes more of a struggle, but it can be worked through.

Having a kid adds to the changes.

For a guy, it means less time for you (if you've managed to maintain some of your "me" time) as you now have someone who depends on you and your significant other to raise them, protect them, and feed them.  That hour you had before or after work to play your game?  That likely won't be there unless the child is sleeping at that desired time.

The nights out?  If you'd rather continue going out week after week than spend time with your growing child, then I have to say something is wrong with you.  This of course excludes the occasional night out, which I recommend spending with your significant other as she's probably ready to get out away from it all for a little bit before she panics about the well-being of the kid and you end up going home early.

I've already seen how kids can change things.  75% of the tv time is spent on either the HUB or DisneyJR with the rest of the time split between Rachel and myself depending on the day of the week.  The living room and Payton's room is a perpetual mess as those are the two main areas she can be found.  There's usually at least one mishap a week involving a spill of some sort, the most recent being a glitter explosion in Payton's bedroom.

If you are a neat freak, I would suggest therapy before having kids as you will probably have a mental breakdown.  I've resigned myself to the fact that it's inevitable that our apartment will be a mess.  You have to pick and choose your spots to clean, just as you have to stay on top of laundry and dishes or before you know it, you're buried.

Just about anything can be disrupted by a child, from a simple trip to the store, to getting food, to bedtime procedures.  Things will change, become more complicated, and often leaving you ready to pull your hair out and just sit down and call it quits.

But then you'd be missing the best parts of having a kid around.  The hugs, the playing, the fascination with simple things, the endless energy, and the laughter.  Sure, they cry too, but they laugh a lot and as they grow, they understand more and more about what's going on around them.

Having an infant around, as we will be introducing next spring, adds a new dimension to things.  Until it learns to crawl and eventually walk, it's completely dependent on you to get around, to eat, and stay warm (or cool depending on the time of year). Sleep, already a precious commodity for most, becomes harder to come by.  Diapers will be changed several times a day up until the point the child finally decides that potties are useful, and not just for playing.

There will be doctor appointments, check-ups, near heart attacks when the child discovers the joys of power cords and outlets, incidents with the animals, and any number of other things that would cause any person to stop in their tracks and hope to God that their child is okay.

Am I ready for this?  I think like a lot of hopeful parents (that is, people who really do want kids, not just the ones who say so), I want to believe that I will be.  I want to believe tht I'm ready for the challenge and will rise up and raise a healthy, beautiful child who will eventually rule the world.

Will there be rough spots?  Yes.  Will there be disputes on what's okay and what isn't okay?  More than likely.  Will I fold like a cheap lawn chair the first time my child cries?  Probably.  Will I do my best to not be like a lot of first-time fathers who get walked on?  I will, but I can't promise anything.  This is one area where I'm definitely heading into the unknown, and while I've been around kids, this will be the first one that is truly of my creation, not the result of dating someone who already had them.

The main thing I feel right now is excitement.  I'm ready for this, as much as I can be anyway.  I don't think I'm going to falter, I don't think I'm going to be a pushover, but I honestly don't know how it's going to go.  I do know I want to be there at every step of the way as much as I can be.

The changes are coming, but it's going to be a blast.

Now get out of the laundry basket, you damn kid!

Release the minion!

I will admit, I don't always strive for things that most people would go for.

Most guys out there aren't hoping to settle down with the right girl so they can fulfill a dream of having kids of their own.  Most are out looking for someone they can spend a few years with before they consider starting a family.

My goals have always been different though.  I think a lot of it stems from when I was younger and the experiences I lost out on when I was kid due to the things going on with my dad.  I've always felt I missed out on a lot, that I didn't get to experience the same kinds of things that most did.  I suppose in my unrealistic frame of mind, I've always felt that I'm still missing out on things, and not just because he passed away recently.

I don't want that same experience for my future kid (or kids).  I don't want them to grow up and wonder the same things I wondered.  I always envisioned myself being a better father to my kids than my dad was towards me.  I want for them what I missed, what I wished I would have experienced.

For instance, I would have loved to have a dad that I could still sit and watch sporting events with.  Granted, I have the best thing going in that I have a girlfriend who loves baseball and football, but it still would've been nice if my dad would've been stable enough for us to all take in the Browns or Indians.  It would have been nice to still be able to throw the ball around and talk about stuff like we briefly did when I was kid.  Again, I have Rachel for these so I feel fortunate in that regard, but it still would've been nice if I had that growing up with my dad.  I could've asked him all the stuff I had to figure out on my own when I was in high school and maybe, just maybe, would've missed out on a lot of the awkward moments I endured.

I can't overstate how awesome it is to have a girlfriend in Rachel who loves football and baseball though.  Guys, always appreciate it when you find a girl like that because there are certainly a number of them out there who could care less about sports in general.

Instead, I chose to avoid my dad as soon as I didn't have to see him on a regular basis.  I chose to drift as far away as possible simply because I had had enough of the problems he had.  I had enough of him yelling, his conspiracy theories, and all the other things he used to say and do when he was on his drug/alcohol concoction.

I don't want my child to have to do that.  I want him/her to relish the moments we have, grow up and know that I'm there when they need me to be, but also to push the way my mom tried to push us.  I want my child to fondly remember his/her childhood moments, not possibly be the plot behind some made-for-tv special about child abuse and drugs.

Why all this gibber gabber?  Rachel is pregnant and expecting her second child and my first.  We were trying to wait to make an official announcement, but the cat's out of the bag and I can now openly write about what will be first experience in fatherhood.

What are my emotions?  I'm excited, I'm happy, I'm anxious, and even a little scared.  This is as unknown a territory as a person can possibly enter.  Sure, there are thousands of books, online articles, and other sources of information on being a parent.  There's the expertise of Rachel, who has three years experience now.  Yet you never really know what to expect.  Is it a boy, is it a girl, will they be a loud baby, a quiet baby?  Will they listen when they get older or will they be defiant?  Will they need meds?  Will everything come out okay?

Yet despite all the uncertainty that comes with the pregnancy and then actual raising of the child, I'm excited.  I look forward to being the dad that squishes his kid's face just because it looks funny to him.  I look forward to carrying him/her around as an infant, then complaining when they can walk but still want to be carried.  I look forward to their first words, then getting irritated because they won't stop talking back to me because they want that one singular toy.

I have a chance to do the things with this child that I wanted my dad to do with me.  If I'm lucky, this child will enjoy video games like me and I'll have a video game buddy (even better if Payton and Rachel join in).  I've always admired a youtuber by the name of paulsoaresjr who plays and records Minecraft, but also plays with all three of his kids and his wife on occasion.  It may not seem like much to most, but it's a way for him to stay connected with his kids as they get older, something most parents have to face at some point (two of his kids are in high school now).

I look forward to all the appointments leading up to the child being born, the first laugh, the first cry (after that, I'll probably be done with the crying), the first time I have to get up to take care of the baby in the middle of the night (again, probably done after that), the first crawl, the first steps, the first fall, the first run, the first big fall, the first teeth, and so on.

So while there are uncertainties and questions, there's also excitement and joy.  I get to be a dad, and it gets to be my minion.

Yes, I've been calling it a minion.  There's nothing any of you can do about it either.

The end of May is a long way away though.  That means there's plenty of time to prepare for all the things that come with having a new baby. Supplies will be bought, a bigger living arrangement will be pursued, and we will try to be as prepared as possible when the new life comes into the picture.

Our minion will need a name once we know whether we're having a boy or girl, and that to me is going to be one of the more challenging parts of the equation.  In the past, I had thought about names, but when I go through and think about it now, nothing jumps out at me yet.  Maybe it's because we don't know the sex of it yet, but as of now, even going through some lists of baby names, nothing has jumped at me just yet.

Life will certainly change come the end of May.  Rachel is still encouraging me to sign up for next year's Warrior Dash, but I've been hedging since it takes place at the very beginning of June and I don't want there to be a conflict.  Now, don't get me wrong, if Rachel is in labor when the Warrior Dash takes place, I'm not going.  Simple as that.  In an ideal world, the child would come either before or after the actual event.

The world isn't ideal though and things already somewhat revolve around the unborn child.  I have to consider the idea of buying as many baby supply items as possible so that we don't have to worry about that as much during the first couple of months.  I have to make sure I have money set aside because there is going to be a period of time when Rachel isn't going to be able to work.

In the end, I'm excited for the future new addition and the changes it will bring.  I'm excited for the memories that will be created by this addition.

Most importantly though, I'm excited about the chance to be the dad that I wish that I had.

Get ready world, our minion is coming.

On a side note, we ran in the Run of the Dead this past weekend and it was a pretty good time.  Some of the zombies talked a little more than I thought and some of the zombie kids were a bit rambunctious, but it was still fun and something we'd both do again given the opportunity.  It was down in Plymouth, OH, so it was a bit of a drive to get there, but we got there early and ran at a pretty decent pace considering Rachel hadn't run in a while and is a couple months along with the pregnancy.

But yeah, the main point of this?  I have a minion on the way.

Duck and cover people, duck and cover.