As is often the case, it's been quite a while since I've written anything in here.
Oh sure, I've posted just about every video I've uploaded to YouTube, but that isn't quite the same as a written post, and I know it. I'll admit, I'm surprised somewhat by the high level of views some of the blog posts seem to have accrued, although it hasn't translated into YouTube success as of yet.
Last time I wrote, it was Christmas. A few things have changed since then and a few more are likely to change again.
I built my PC, a project I've been wanting to do since, oh, 2014. It's a pretty beastly machine if I say so myself. It has an i7 5820k processor, lots of fast storage, and a GTX 1070 to run all my games at very high settings and still get great frame rates in the games I play. I have a pair of monitors now, one at 144hz to keep the gaming smooth.
My ex received notification that they are ready to place her in a public housing unit soon. We don't know when, but it's going to happen at some point, which means a major life change (no more every day with Kylie sadly).
Things are still going relatively well at work, even as a lot of stuff is changing there and we're putting together a plan that hopefully means less stress on all of us and the rest of the staff barely notices anything new is going on.
Speaking of Kylie, she's going to be 4 soon. This little girl that at one point was just a lump that cried and occasionally ate is a full-fledged toddler, running full steam and bouncing off of everything. She's my everything and the reason why I do all the things I do to try and keep her life as easy as possible.
None of that is the reason I'm writing anything though. No, unfortunately, for the first time in what feels like ages, I felt that old friend self-doubt starting to creep into my head. It slowly worked its way into my mind yesterday morning, getting my mind working, then went full steam ahead, bringing me down for a little while.
A lot of things contribute to this of course. Being single and basically incapable of dating for the last two years certainly played a factor in it. I've done a decent job of not worrying about that aspect of my life, but I suppose it was only a matter of time before it pushed its way back to the front of my mind.
And now 24 hours later, I feel silly for even feeling that way, but I still want to explore, and maybe even explain to myself, how it happened and how I've already moved it back into the back of my mind.
To keep it simple, the self-doubt stems from earlier years. I was treated very poorly by peers when I was much, much younger, and I never really completely recovered from those days. In a lot of ways, I never forgave some of the people involved in the cruel jokes that were played on me back then, but I suppose some of that is human nature.
Some of it stems from recent things. My teeth being in poor condition certainly hasn't helped. I was never known as someone with a great smile, but that was more a reluctance to smile. That reluctance isn't so heavy now, but now I am insecure with the actual condition of my teeth (one of the lovely joys of genetics) and therefore resist many urges to smile except in certain company.
Some of my self-doubt is related to the fact that who in their right mind would want to even think about dating someone who has bad teeth, has a kid, and has an ex for a roommate? Some of those things are just things in my head, but the last point has been reiterated to me multiple times the few times I've attempted to actually talk to someone.
So I don't even try.
Another mostly unfair aspect of the self-doubt is feeling that certain women I know already would be absolutely perfect to date (mesh well, they get me, etc.) For various reasons, it won't happen. In some cases, distance is the driving force, but in other instances, there are other factors that I simply won't get into as no one needs to know all the details.
For some reason, it hit me hard yesterday though that I feel like some of the best matches for me are impractical at best, and therefore why even bother trying?
It's a weird place for me to be. I very rarely get sad/depressed/whatever you want to call it. I've put a lot of effort into improving my demeanor, not being such a cranky butt, and just being a better person in general. I no longer go on facebook posting attention-seeking things and I try to remember that things I post could be considered a reflection of the job I have.
I've toned it down significantly, something I'm reminded of almost every day when I look at my memories. The further back the posts go in time, the more melodramatic I sound and the more I cringe reading them.
I was worried about so many dumb things five, six years ago. I craved attention. I wanted to be, well, wanted. Unfortunately, my methods to get attention were self-destructing and more often than not, drove off people who otherwise I could have had friendships with and whatnot.
The number of people I exchanged comments with back in those days that aren't even on my radar these days is higher than it should be, but I do realize some of that is just people moving on in one way or another.
I know I'm a better person now though. Little things don't tend to drag me down. I'm not obsessing over who wants to talk to me, who doesn't, and if I'm going to date again. I'm not chasing people trying to convince them I'm worth talking to.
So it feels weird when I have an off day, a day where I feel completely worthless.
And it keeps things in perspective for me.
There are people that spend 90% of their lives feeling that way. The sad days FAR outweigh the happy days.
I can't fathom living life that way because my mind isn't wired that way. Sure, yesterday was not a good day for me, but I'd be willing to bet that unless I let my guard down, most would never have ever guessed it was a bad day. I didn't let my guard down though. I tried very hard to not let it impact how I treated other people because other people weren't the reason I felt how I felt.
I've grown as a person over the last couple of years. Having Kylie has helped me realize just how trivial other things are in life. I used to be a HUGE sports fan. I was so invested in all the teams and was the type of person that would get real angry if the team I rooted for didn't perform well. It would affect my mood and how I treated people.
While I still follow my teams and try to go to games, my life does not revolve around sports anymore. I've probably watched maybe 5 Cavs games this season and I LOVE basketball. I love the Cavs. But Kylie wants to watch Bubble Guppies so guess what's on my TV?
I find it scary now when someone on social media flips out over sports. Or anything else that isn't family, job, or health related. We spend so much time worrying about things that aren't important and often lose sight of what is. The worst I've been about that in the last few months has actually been because of this PC I built.
I was so hell-bent on doing it, it consumed me. Yet even then, it wasn't all that bad because Kylie helped me with so much of the process. She helped me unbox most of the parts, helped me build a lot of the stuff, and has constantly been involved at some point with the process. Just watch my last video in the PC Build Vlog series. She pretty much helped me build my chair from start to finish, helped me put the softbox lights I bought.
So even in something that had consumed me, she was part of it and it became something we did together at times.
My mentality has completely shifted since Kylie was born. I'm a happier person because of her.
My boss has helped push that in me too. Whether she ever really knows it, Kelley has been a huge factor in getting me to stop being such a grump and be a better person.
I still have a lot of room to grow, but I feel I've come a long way.
Some might wonder if this means the snark is gone, if I've stopped using sarcasm.
I haven't. But I pick my spots better and do a better job of showing compassion when it's needed.
In the end, if I'm meant to date someone, it'll happen. It won't likely be soon because of my current situation, but someday, someone could potentially come along that's perfect for me. One bad day doesn't change that mentality, but letting that one bad become a bad week, then bad month doesn't help things either.
I mean, I've become the type of person I used to loathe; the happy-go-lucky look at the bright side kind of person.
I can typically see the positive in any situation now and always tell myself it could be worse. I know it could be. I see it every day in people who are clients where I work, people who are truly struggling with issues that often aren't of their own making, but due to things beyond their control. I've seen how bad it can be, how much the mind can go, how dark it can be.
I'm not anywhere close to that and hope I never am. Depression and anxiety are horrible things that a lot of people still don't understand. Mental health overall continues to be something that most would rather avoid than try to understand, and those who suffer from mental health issues often find themselves all alone in trying to cope.
It's a terrible thing.
Anyway, I wanted to write something to get a few things off my chest and I wrote a damn novel as always. If you've read this far, bless your soul.
I might do more, I might not. I do occasionally vlog on my YouTube channel and I'm considering getting more personal with them, but I'm still undecided. YouTube can be a vicious place, but then again, so can social media overall.
That's a rant for another time.
Thanks for reading.
Showing posts with label Kylie. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Kylie. Show all posts
Thursday, March 30, 2017
Wednesday, December 14, 2016
Has it really been this long?
Hi again.
It's been a long time, hasn't it?
I do believe aside from YouTube spam, it's been nearly 10 months since I last wrote in here.
Some of it is a continuing lack of time. I only have so much time once Kylie goes to sleep to work on anything, and typically I either want to play a game, work on something with my channels, contribute to a tech site, write something, or just look up various things.
More often than not though, by the time Kylie is asleep around 10:30 or 11pm, I'm exhausted. I don't have the energy to do anything too strenuous and I'm creatively tapped out. Then I end up having trouble sleeping, or Kylie wakes up a few times, or the cats run me over, etc, etc.
Really though, it just comes down to not getting enough sleep consistently, working a different schedule at work, and a rambunctious child that isn't always so willing to go to bed, plus the fact that I'm still sharing an apartment with my ex and her oldest. There's always something to clean-up, something to take care, and that takes a toll as well.
That's not what I want to write about though.
See, recently my sister messaged me through Facebook and told me someone I used to know way back when had tried to reach her two years ago looking for me. I got curious and went into messenger and discovered I had 3 different message requests, all from at least two years ago, that I had NEVER seen. I had no idea because at the time, my privacy settings were much more strict than they are now. Facebook just didn't notify me and I had never noticed.
Two were from ex girlfriends that I hadn't spoken to in a long while. The third though was from a girl I had talked to many, many years ago. Hell, I'm not even sure what social media site it was to be honest (I have a guess in my head, but cannot confirm), but it pre-dated Facebook, Twitter, and even Myspace. I remembered chatting with her, but what we talked about escapes me. What I'll never forget is how uniquely her name is spelled. It's really hard to forget a name when it isn't spelled like you'd expect.
What she remembered was enjoying my writing, which makes sense. Years ago, I often bounced from site to site depending on where I could write. I know I used to occasionally write short stories, but much like even now, a lot of my writing was what was going on, things that agitated me, and a whole lot of woe-is-me type of nonsense that I try to avoid these days.
What struck me is how much effort this woman made to try and track me down two years ago. She tried to add me on Facebook (which was impossible at the time), and when that didn't work, she found my sister and tried to reach out to her. Of course, my sister didn't get it until this week, but once she did she let me know, I checked mine, and reached out to this woman.
Much to my surprise, she was excited that I messaged her, which in hindsight really shouldn't have surprised me. One of the things that I remember about her was she was one of the few genuinely nice people that I encountered in social media's infant stage, which is when we originally talked. While there are often still concerns about whether someone's who they say they are, back then it was even harder to pin down whether someone was legitimate or not. This woman seemed too good to be true, but she was always up for a chat.
It's also a reminder that distance isn't what determines friendships. She lives in a different state from me and has experienced some things of her own in the time we haven't talked, but I think that's only going to give us more to talk about in the coming days and months and I'm interested to see what her life has been like and see where it goes.
It kind of ties into what I had for a blog idea earlier about how many early "social media" sites were really just sites that were all about rating one another and so on. I remember a few that existed, "SWYDM (aka So Would You Do Me), "Hot or Not," and the shamelessly titled "RateMyBody," which was EXACTLY how you think it would be like.
Yet SWYDM in particular had a good run where I talked with people and had a lot of fun, even if at its core it was a relatively shallow site. The people I met though made it more than what it was originally meant to be.
Like a lot of things on the internet though, the site evolved and changed, and as it did, it became less appealing for me to hang around on. It eventually changed its name and I eventually stopped going there. I want to say it was after that when I migrated to Myspace, where I spent a good portion of my time before it became such a waste and Facebook rose to prominence.
Life moved on, things changed, people came and went, and here I am, in December of 2016, still living with my ex, her oldest, and of course little Miss Kylie Brooke.
There's been a small influx of familiar faces of late though; people I used to know years ago finding me on Facebook and chatting it up on occasion. It's been nice to reconnect with some and remember why they were fun.
*Intermission*
I'm currently typing this blog post on my new keyboard, a Logitech G910 (the unboxing is one of the previous posts from this), which is part of why I'm anxious to write more in the future. Typing things up on a laptop keyboard is not fun and this keyboard is a HUGE improvement.
I also want to mention if you like old-school video game type of music (which I just found out is called Chiptune music), an artist by the name of tiasu is incredible. His stuff is on Spotify and if you want to buy individual albums, you can find him on Bandcamp. It's catchy, it's diverse, and I'm digging it so far.
*End Intermission*
I can't promise I'll be posting a lot in the immediate future, much like my YouTube and Twitch channels have been suffering. I do believe things will pick up once my living situation is different and in terms of games, I definitely think things will improve when I finally can put together a beast of a PC and upgrade the rest of my equipment as well.
I just know that there are some out there who really enjoy when I write and it's something I should really be making a better effort at when I have 20 minutes to sit down.
I do have my annual letter to Santa to compose, plus I do occasionally have ideas pop in my head. The key is to remember my Note allows me to write on the screen with the stylus even when the screen is off, which is a great way to jot down ideas.
I also want to record a vlog at least bi-weekly, but that's dependent on things happening in my life worth recording and talking about. They are fun to put together though, so I should try to do more, especially when I have such a fantastically awful story about Walmart and shoes for Kylie to relay.
I'm going to attempt to record that this weekend, but we'll see.
It is the holiday season though, so for the love of all things great, please be nice to each other. I know a lot of us are still trying to wrap our heads around Donald Trump being elected President, but it doesn't make it okay to act like pieces of crap towards each other. Show some love, be kind, and remember that person you're disgusted with is an actual human being and you really aren't any better than them.
I'll catch you guys later.
Maybe.
It's been a long time, hasn't it?
I do believe aside from YouTube spam, it's been nearly 10 months since I last wrote in here.
Some of it is a continuing lack of time. I only have so much time once Kylie goes to sleep to work on anything, and typically I either want to play a game, work on something with my channels, contribute to a tech site, write something, or just look up various things.
More often than not though, by the time Kylie is asleep around 10:30 or 11pm, I'm exhausted. I don't have the energy to do anything too strenuous and I'm creatively tapped out. Then I end up having trouble sleeping, or Kylie wakes up a few times, or the cats run me over, etc, etc.
Really though, it just comes down to not getting enough sleep consistently, working a different schedule at work, and a rambunctious child that isn't always so willing to go to bed, plus the fact that I'm still sharing an apartment with my ex and her oldest. There's always something to clean-up, something to take care, and that takes a toll as well.
That's not what I want to write about though.
See, recently my sister messaged me through Facebook and told me someone I used to know way back when had tried to reach her two years ago looking for me. I got curious and went into messenger and discovered I had 3 different message requests, all from at least two years ago, that I had NEVER seen. I had no idea because at the time, my privacy settings were much more strict than they are now. Facebook just didn't notify me and I had never noticed.
Two were from ex girlfriends that I hadn't spoken to in a long while. The third though was from a girl I had talked to many, many years ago. Hell, I'm not even sure what social media site it was to be honest (I have a guess in my head, but cannot confirm), but it pre-dated Facebook, Twitter, and even Myspace. I remembered chatting with her, but what we talked about escapes me. What I'll never forget is how uniquely her name is spelled. It's really hard to forget a name when it isn't spelled like you'd expect.
What she remembered was enjoying my writing, which makes sense. Years ago, I often bounced from site to site depending on where I could write. I know I used to occasionally write short stories, but much like even now, a lot of my writing was what was going on, things that agitated me, and a whole lot of woe-is-me type of nonsense that I try to avoid these days.
What struck me is how much effort this woman made to try and track me down two years ago. She tried to add me on Facebook (which was impossible at the time), and when that didn't work, she found my sister and tried to reach out to her. Of course, my sister didn't get it until this week, but once she did she let me know, I checked mine, and reached out to this woman.
Much to my surprise, she was excited that I messaged her, which in hindsight really shouldn't have surprised me. One of the things that I remember about her was she was one of the few genuinely nice people that I encountered in social media's infant stage, which is when we originally talked. While there are often still concerns about whether someone's who they say they are, back then it was even harder to pin down whether someone was legitimate or not. This woman seemed too good to be true, but she was always up for a chat.
It's also a reminder that distance isn't what determines friendships. She lives in a different state from me and has experienced some things of her own in the time we haven't talked, but I think that's only going to give us more to talk about in the coming days and months and I'm interested to see what her life has been like and see where it goes.
It kind of ties into what I had for a blog idea earlier about how many early "social media" sites were really just sites that were all about rating one another and so on. I remember a few that existed, "SWYDM (aka So Would You Do Me), "Hot or Not," and the shamelessly titled "RateMyBody," which was EXACTLY how you think it would be like.
Yet SWYDM in particular had a good run where I talked with people and had a lot of fun, even if at its core it was a relatively shallow site. The people I met though made it more than what it was originally meant to be.
Like a lot of things on the internet though, the site evolved and changed, and as it did, it became less appealing for me to hang around on. It eventually changed its name and I eventually stopped going there. I want to say it was after that when I migrated to Myspace, where I spent a good portion of my time before it became such a waste and Facebook rose to prominence.
Life moved on, things changed, people came and went, and here I am, in December of 2016, still living with my ex, her oldest, and of course little Miss Kylie Brooke.
There's been a small influx of familiar faces of late though; people I used to know years ago finding me on Facebook and chatting it up on occasion. It's been nice to reconnect with some and remember why they were fun.
*Intermission*
I'm currently typing this blog post on my new keyboard, a Logitech G910 (the unboxing is one of the previous posts from this), which is part of why I'm anxious to write more in the future. Typing things up on a laptop keyboard is not fun and this keyboard is a HUGE improvement.
I also want to mention if you like old-school video game type of music (which I just found out is called Chiptune music), an artist by the name of tiasu is incredible. His stuff is on Spotify and if you want to buy individual albums, you can find him on Bandcamp. It's catchy, it's diverse, and I'm digging it so far.
*End Intermission*
I can't promise I'll be posting a lot in the immediate future, much like my YouTube and Twitch channels have been suffering. I do believe things will pick up once my living situation is different and in terms of games, I definitely think things will improve when I finally can put together a beast of a PC and upgrade the rest of my equipment as well.
I just know that there are some out there who really enjoy when I write and it's something I should really be making a better effort at when I have 20 minutes to sit down.
I do have my annual letter to Santa to compose, plus I do occasionally have ideas pop in my head. The key is to remember my Note allows me to write on the screen with the stylus even when the screen is off, which is a great way to jot down ideas.
I also want to record a vlog at least bi-weekly, but that's dependent on things happening in my life worth recording and talking about. They are fun to put together though, so I should try to do more, especially when I have such a fantastically awful story about Walmart and shoes for Kylie to relay.
I'm going to attempt to record that this weekend, but we'll see.
It is the holiday season though, so for the love of all things great, please be nice to each other. I know a lot of us are still trying to wrap our heads around Donald Trump being elected President, but it doesn't make it okay to act like pieces of crap towards each other. Show some love, be kind, and remember that person you're disgusted with is an actual human being and you really aren't any better than them.
I'll catch you guys later.
Maybe.
Wednesday, January 6, 2016
Let's talk 2016
Let's be really honest.
2015 was not a good year.
Yes, there were good moments (virtually anything involving Kylie and getting a modest raise at work among the highlights), but it was a turbulent year filled with a lot of ups and downs, including the ending of a long relationship that nearly crashed and burned in the process.
I don't want turbulent anymore. I want better.
I want calm.
I know that's a pipe dream. Life in itself isn't calm. Things happen that you have NO control over, and those things can take a calm life and turn it upside down.
There are things that could happen. Someone could get injured or pass away. My car could break down. There are a litany of unknown things that could happen to completely upset the calm that I look to achieve.
I accept that because that's life. However, I will do my damndest to avoid it happening to me.
I want 2016 to be great. I want it to be successful. I want the best for everyone and things to break my way a few times. I want to better take advantage of whatever opportunities come my way (and believe me, fewer come your way as you get older).
But mostly, I just want the year to be great for Kylie.
I've been stressing this for months now and it continues to hold true. I want happiness for Kylie, whether if she's with me or with her mother. I see far too many parents bicker over what's best for their kid after they've gone their separate ways and that's just not good for the kid.
When she's with me, she's number one. Even if she's not with me during the week, she's still number one. This is something ALL will be expected to understand. If you can't, then get the fudge out and don't let the door hit you.
Seriously though, it's not about what I want. It's about what's best for that child. If it means missing some time with her so she can do something fun with her mom, then there shouldn't be an issue with it. Too many parents are unwilling to swallow their pride and work together to ensure their kid is happy. They want to be in control and determine what happens.
So I want her to have a great year no matter where she's at.
Ultimately, this year needs to be a year when I take a new step forward. One way or another, my life needs to be better when 2016 closes out.
It means being a better person overall.
No, it does mean the snark is going away. Snarkiness will always be a part of who I am, but picking and choosing when to be snarky needs to improve.
It means putting 100% behind what I'm doing, not 75% and hoping no one notices the slacking I did on the other 25%.
It means branching out and trying new things.
It means fixing what I can fix and not stressing about the things I can't fix.
In my head, there are several things I'd like to be better with and the hope is that putting these ideas into writing will help keep me on track.
Here are some things I'd like to accomplish in 2016:
No, it's not going to happen, but I can dream, right?
Most everything else though can be achieved with a little hard work and dedication, and that's something I'm capable of doing when I'm not being a complete lazy butt.
Seriously though, I want this year to be great.
You'll note I didn't include anything about dating in this. While I believe the possibility of dating is there, it's not something I'm expecting as I will be spending almost half the year nearly completely focused on work and Kylie, so time will not be on my side for most anything else that isn't necessary.
While it would be nice to be with someone who supports me and all that fun stuff, it's not something that's required for me to be happy. It would just be a nice bonus if it were to happen. I'm not going to be the type that requires a relationship to be happy with myself. If it happens, it's because that person adds that much more to my life.
There's some excitement, but also uncertainty with this year. I don't know where I'm going to be come July, but I will be somewhere in the general area. I do know my weekends will be strictly Kylie time, and even some of my time during the week.
The idea is to make the most of the year. You're either along for the ride, or you're not part of it at all.
Here's to a great 2016 for not just myself, but for everyone.
We can all do better.
2015 was not a good year.
Yes, there were good moments (virtually anything involving Kylie and getting a modest raise at work among the highlights), but it was a turbulent year filled with a lot of ups and downs, including the ending of a long relationship that nearly crashed and burned in the process.
I don't want turbulent anymore. I want better.
I want calm.
I know that's a pipe dream. Life in itself isn't calm. Things happen that you have NO control over, and those things can take a calm life and turn it upside down.
There are things that could happen. Someone could get injured or pass away. My car could break down. There are a litany of unknown things that could happen to completely upset the calm that I look to achieve.
I accept that because that's life. However, I will do my damndest to avoid it happening to me.
I want 2016 to be great. I want it to be successful. I want the best for everyone and things to break my way a few times. I want to better take advantage of whatever opportunities come my way (and believe me, fewer come your way as you get older).
But mostly, I just want the year to be great for Kylie.
I've been stressing this for months now and it continues to hold true. I want happiness for Kylie, whether if she's with me or with her mother. I see far too many parents bicker over what's best for their kid after they've gone their separate ways and that's just not good for the kid.
When she's with me, she's number one. Even if she's not with me during the week, she's still number one. This is something ALL will be expected to understand. If you can't, then get the fudge out and don't let the door hit you.
Seriously though, it's not about what I want. It's about what's best for that child. If it means missing some time with her so she can do something fun with her mom, then there shouldn't be an issue with it. Too many parents are unwilling to swallow their pride and work together to ensure their kid is happy. They want to be in control and determine what happens.
So I want her to have a great year no matter where she's at.
Ultimately, this year needs to be a year when I take a new step forward. One way or another, my life needs to be better when 2016 closes out.
It means being a better person overall.
No, it does mean the snark is going away. Snarkiness will always be a part of who I am, but picking and choosing when to be snarky needs to improve.
It means putting 100% behind what I'm doing, not 75% and hoping no one notices the slacking I did on the other 25%.
It means branching out and trying new things.
It means fixing what I can fix and not stressing about the things I can't fix.
In my head, there are several things I'd like to be better with and the hope is that putting these ideas into writing will help keep me on track.
Here are some things I'd like to accomplish in 2016:
- Get back into running and working out on a regular basis.
- Be a better coworker
- Be a better/more consistent friend
- Make the most of the time I get with Kylie
- Get back into my YouTube/Twitch hobby and improve with it
- Build/buy a new, more powerful PC
- Make as many new connections as possible and maintain those connections
- Start putting money aside in the hopes of getting a house in the future
- Win the lottery
- Take care of everyone close to me after winning the lottery
- Fix my damn teeth
- Enjoy where life takes me
No, it's not going to happen, but I can dream, right?
Most everything else though can be achieved with a little hard work and dedication, and that's something I'm capable of doing when I'm not being a complete lazy butt.
Seriously though, I want this year to be great.
You'll note I didn't include anything about dating in this. While I believe the possibility of dating is there, it's not something I'm expecting as I will be spending almost half the year nearly completely focused on work and Kylie, so time will not be on my side for most anything else that isn't necessary.
While it would be nice to be with someone who supports me and all that fun stuff, it's not something that's required for me to be happy. It would just be a nice bonus if it were to happen. I'm not going to be the type that requires a relationship to be happy with myself. If it happens, it's because that person adds that much more to my life.
There's some excitement, but also uncertainty with this year. I don't know where I'm going to be come July, but I will be somewhere in the general area. I do know my weekends will be strictly Kylie time, and even some of my time during the week.
The idea is to make the most of the year. You're either along for the ride, or you're not part of it at all.
Here's to a great 2016 for not just myself, but for everyone.
We can all do better.
Wednesday, October 28, 2015
Life changes, people not so much
I think it goes without saying that it's been turbulent around these parts of late. Some know more than others of course, but this isn't going to be a post spilling all the beans about everything that's gone on.
Those who needed to know about anything, well they already know. If you don't, then you probably didn't need to know. Either way, exposing things in this public of a forum probably won't lead to good things, so I'm not going to do that.
What you need to know is that life for me is changing. It's evolving slowly from one thing into something that will be somewhat different in a few months. The biggest change will be the fact that at some point, I won't be seeing Kylie every day like I've become accustomed to.
This is a fairly normal thing when relationships fail, and while I never hoped for that to happen, the reality I'm facing is different from the one I perceived a few years ago.
Again, this isn't to sling mud in anyone's direction. We all make mistakes when relationships fail and there are always things each person could've done better. Sure, someone may be "more guilty" than the other, but that's nitpicking and doesn't resolve anything.
I was doing what's become my nightly walk the other night, and I started thinking more about how life seems to change on a whim, yet people for the most part are stubborn to change. Sure, you may do some things differently, but a lot of people are resistant to change and often go back to old habits when things get difficult.
The best example I can use is when someone's addicted to drugs. They struggle the most with changing their habits, changing their ways. Drugs become such a huge part of who they are that they sometimes lose sight of who they were before drugs. I've seen people lead good lives, then start up with drugs and that good life is demolished.
Drug addicts have a hard time breaking the addiction and even if they do beat it initially, they sometimes fall back into those old habits if something bad happens in their life.
People are creatures of habit though. We do the things we do because we're comfortable with it, whether it be how we do something, where we go, and how we come to the decisions we make. You can know the decision you're making is wrong, but you do it anyway because it's the more comfortable decision.
Very rarely do people willingly step out of their comfort zones, and often if they do, the experiment doesn't last long as it becomes scary to them.
Now I do realize there are people who aren't like that. They do step out of their comfort zones and experience life as fully as possible. But those people seem to be the exception rather than the rule as many aren't willing to do that.
We know what kind of food we like, we know what kind of people we prefer to hang out with, what kind of people we're willing to date, and what kind of hobbies we're going to take part in.
And when life gets rough, we run back to what we know. We all have our security blankets. For many, it's a family member (hi mom!), but for others, it's a friend they've known for a while; someone they know they can talk to and get honest, sound advice.
And life gets rough frequently. It flips you up on your head when you least expect it and then kicks you for good measure. It mocks you and reminds you that in the scheme of things, you're just one person in a world filled with living things. It constantly reminds you that the world goes on even as you struggle.
The world is constantly changing, evolving, and continuing forward.
Bear with me as I'm currently trying to remember the thoughts I had the other night. They were so fluid, so cohesive, so of course they aren't so much at this point.
The main thing I've trying to assert is that people struggle with change often because they're afraid of change. It scares them and causes them to do whatever they can to prevent the change from happening. They don't know how to deal with the change and it can cause irrational actions in some.
Yet life carries on. It doesn't care if you're struggling or not.
How does this relate to me and what's been going on? Not a whole lot. Am I scared of the change that's coming? No. I'm a little apprehensive, but at the same time, I'm ready for a new chapter in my life, even if that new chapter features less Kylie.
It isn't because I want to get away from Kylie and others, but rather I feel it's time for a little bit of change; a different routine perhaps.
The reality of her not being in my life every day has sunk in in recent weeks and has caused me to rethink some of my priorities in the short term. I feel it important to spend as much time with her as possible while I can because that will be changing at some point. I know this, and while I'm not sure I'm ready for it, I won't have a choice because life is going to decide for me regardless.
The time I have with her is precious to me and no one is going to be more important than her in the coming months. This last weekend it was just Kylie and me and it was great. We had fun, and while it's sometimes daunting realizing it's just you, it's also energizing. You know you have to deal with whatever's going on and she was dependent on me to take care of what she needed.
This weekend is more of the same. While I would love to go hang out with my friends for Sarah and my birthday, it's not entirely likely I'd be willing to even if I were able. I think about the idea of the child waking up and me not being there by my own choice rips me apart. I can't handle it. I don't want to handle it.
This isn't a slight on anyone, just a reflection of how much I value that little girl of mine.
As I went about my day, I made the decision to avoid my phone most of the time. It sat on my desk for the most part and sure, I'd occasionally check it, but it wasn't very often and when I did have a text, tweet, or notification of some sort, I'd check it and respond if needed, but it was low priority stuff for me.
At the end of the day, I felt satisfied. I felt happy. This felt like how the future would be to me.
So I decided at that point that when I'm alone with my child, I'm not going to be checking my phone or spending a lot of time on it. If I have a moment, I will respond to a text or phone call if it's there, but the chances of me reaching out to you on my own will be slim.
If you can't handle or accept that, then you have no business being in my life.
Now I'm sure once I'm officially moved and seeing Kylie when I'm supposed to I'll reconsider certain things (for example, availability when she's not with me), but if it's my time with her, then everyone will need to respect that.
This means a lot of things will be on hold. I'm not going to get into specifics, but the chances of something being more important than my child (aside from work, sleep, etc) are very, VERY slim.
While life has been up and down, I feel that the decision to focus on my child is the right one and a change that I need to make to match up with the changes going on in my life overall.
Thanks for reading and understanding.
Those who needed to know about anything, well they already know. If you don't, then you probably didn't need to know. Either way, exposing things in this public of a forum probably won't lead to good things, so I'm not going to do that.
What you need to know is that life for me is changing. It's evolving slowly from one thing into something that will be somewhat different in a few months. The biggest change will be the fact that at some point, I won't be seeing Kylie every day like I've become accustomed to.
This is a fairly normal thing when relationships fail, and while I never hoped for that to happen, the reality I'm facing is different from the one I perceived a few years ago.
Again, this isn't to sling mud in anyone's direction. We all make mistakes when relationships fail and there are always things each person could've done better. Sure, someone may be "more guilty" than the other, but that's nitpicking and doesn't resolve anything.
I was doing what's become my nightly walk the other night, and I started thinking more about how life seems to change on a whim, yet people for the most part are stubborn to change. Sure, you may do some things differently, but a lot of people are resistant to change and often go back to old habits when things get difficult.
The best example I can use is when someone's addicted to drugs. They struggle the most with changing their habits, changing their ways. Drugs become such a huge part of who they are that they sometimes lose sight of who they were before drugs. I've seen people lead good lives, then start up with drugs and that good life is demolished.
Drug addicts have a hard time breaking the addiction and even if they do beat it initially, they sometimes fall back into those old habits if something bad happens in their life.
People are creatures of habit though. We do the things we do because we're comfortable with it, whether it be how we do something, where we go, and how we come to the decisions we make. You can know the decision you're making is wrong, but you do it anyway because it's the more comfortable decision.
Very rarely do people willingly step out of their comfort zones, and often if they do, the experiment doesn't last long as it becomes scary to them.
Now I do realize there are people who aren't like that. They do step out of their comfort zones and experience life as fully as possible. But those people seem to be the exception rather than the rule as many aren't willing to do that.
We know what kind of food we like, we know what kind of people we prefer to hang out with, what kind of people we're willing to date, and what kind of hobbies we're going to take part in.
And when life gets rough, we run back to what we know. We all have our security blankets. For many, it's a family member (hi mom!), but for others, it's a friend they've known for a while; someone they know they can talk to and get honest, sound advice.
And life gets rough frequently. It flips you up on your head when you least expect it and then kicks you for good measure. It mocks you and reminds you that in the scheme of things, you're just one person in a world filled with living things. It constantly reminds you that the world goes on even as you struggle.
The world is constantly changing, evolving, and continuing forward.
Bear with me as I'm currently trying to remember the thoughts I had the other night. They were so fluid, so cohesive, so of course they aren't so much at this point.
The main thing I've trying to assert is that people struggle with change often because they're afraid of change. It scares them and causes them to do whatever they can to prevent the change from happening. They don't know how to deal with the change and it can cause irrational actions in some.
Yet life carries on. It doesn't care if you're struggling or not.
How does this relate to me and what's been going on? Not a whole lot. Am I scared of the change that's coming? No. I'm a little apprehensive, but at the same time, I'm ready for a new chapter in my life, even if that new chapter features less Kylie.
It isn't because I want to get away from Kylie and others, but rather I feel it's time for a little bit of change; a different routine perhaps.
The reality of her not being in my life every day has sunk in in recent weeks and has caused me to rethink some of my priorities in the short term. I feel it important to spend as much time with her as possible while I can because that will be changing at some point. I know this, and while I'm not sure I'm ready for it, I won't have a choice because life is going to decide for me regardless.
The time I have with her is precious to me and no one is going to be more important than her in the coming months. This last weekend it was just Kylie and me and it was great. We had fun, and while it's sometimes daunting realizing it's just you, it's also energizing. You know you have to deal with whatever's going on and she was dependent on me to take care of what she needed.
This weekend is more of the same. While I would love to go hang out with my friends for Sarah and my birthday, it's not entirely likely I'd be willing to even if I were able. I think about the idea of the child waking up and me not being there by my own choice rips me apart. I can't handle it. I don't want to handle it.
This isn't a slight on anyone, just a reflection of how much I value that little girl of mine.
As I went about my day, I made the decision to avoid my phone most of the time. It sat on my desk for the most part and sure, I'd occasionally check it, but it wasn't very often and when I did have a text, tweet, or notification of some sort, I'd check it and respond if needed, but it was low priority stuff for me.
At the end of the day, I felt satisfied. I felt happy. This felt like how the future would be to me.
So I decided at that point that when I'm alone with my child, I'm not going to be checking my phone or spending a lot of time on it. If I have a moment, I will respond to a text or phone call if it's there, but the chances of me reaching out to you on my own will be slim.
If you can't handle or accept that, then you have no business being in my life.
Now I'm sure once I'm officially moved and seeing Kylie when I'm supposed to I'll reconsider certain things (for example, availability when she's not with me), but if it's my time with her, then everyone will need to respect that.
This means a lot of things will be on hold. I'm not going to get into specifics, but the chances of something being more important than my child (aside from work, sleep, etc) are very, VERY slim.
While life has been up and down, I feel that the decision to focus on my child is the right one and a change that I need to make to match up with the changes going on in my life overall.
Thanks for reading and understanding.
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
Danger in the Crosswalk
If you follow me on Twitter, you may have seen me posting last Sunday about an incident I had while heading back to my apartment after going on a long walk with my daughter, who was in a stroller.
If you don't, why not? You missed out on quite the story!
For those of you who didn't see what happened, I was crossing route 20 in Painesville at a crosswalk with the crosswalk light indicating I could cross. Without even thinking anything could happen (which was a mistake given what nearly happened minutes earlier at another crossing), I started heading across the street, Kylie in front of me.
Suddenly, I heard a horn honk, looked to my left, and saw a car pretty much right on me. Without really thinking, I slammed my hand onto the hood of the car as it rolled into my knee, which thanks to me lifting myself up slightly, allowed me to roll off the side of the car and onto the pavement. My actions also forced the stroller in front further, thus avoiding injury to Kylie. She ended up facing the sky as the stroller fell back when I landed as I had never let go of the handle.
Almost immediately you could hear people yelling at the driver and one woman was running towards me. I later realized she was a passenger in the Jeep that had honked and multiple people, including an off-duty police officer, had called 911 before I could even get off the street.
I'll admit. I was dazed by what happened, not because I had hit my head or anything, but the shock my system temporarily went into after landing. It took a minute to realize I should check on Kylie, who looked extremely annoyed that she was looking up at the sky as opposed to forward. After looking her over and feeling relief that she wasn't hurt, I checked my knee out (which is still bruised today).
Luckily I only had a couple of scrapes and no pain in the knee (adrenaline is wonderful sometimes), so I didn't need EMS even though they arrived, along with several police officers, very quickly after the accident.
The woman herself appeared to be in shock too. When I walked over to where the police were at, she just said she never saw me. She didn't know why, she just never saw me.
This has been the part of the story that has caused confusion it seems for those that I've discussed this with. Most have said they would've been extremely angry, that they would've been yelling at the woman if they had been hit. Seriously injured or not, they would've been pissed off.
I get that. That's the natural response. That and "how could you NOT see me?"
And honestly, I wanted to be a little mad about it. I wanted to be mad because my daughter was nearly hit. I wanted to feel more outrage to an extent.
But I didn't.
And it's possible that if it happens to anyone who claims they'd be angry, I'm not so sure they'd be as angry as they think. I don't know. They probably don't really know. It's hard to tell how you're going to react because shock and adrenaline do different things to different people.
I've never been an angry outburst type of person when I feel something was done maliciously. In other words, if I feel it was an accident and the person feels bad enough, it's hard to get mad at the person. This woman clearly felt bad, so it was hard to get mad.
Honestly, I've nearly hit people crossing because I didn't see them. You aren't always looking for pedestrians and sometimes your mind is distracted. You've made that turn a hundred times and just don't think someone could be walking through the intersection until you either come close to hitting them or nearly hit them.
Now, if Kylie had been hurt, I might have found some rage. But between not being hurt myself and her not being hurt, I was too occupied with being relieved to be mad in the least.
Plus, I learned a long time ago that negative energy doesn't get you very far, that sometimes it's better to take a look at the big picture. Yes, I was hit by a car, but I wasn't seriously hurt and my daughter was uninjured. Big picture, it could've been a lot worse if the driver of the Jeep didn't honk his horn, or if I had crossed slightly slower than I had been. Kylie most certainly would've been hit in that case and possibly injured.
In the long run, I feel relieved still. So anger is not an option for me right now.
The bigger issue is the problem of crossing the road. There are crosswalks and signs for a reason, yet many drivers ignore pedestrians or act inconvenienced if someone's crossing the street. As I mentioned before, I had nearly been hit a few moments earlier at a different crosswalk.
The difference was the guy driving through saw me clearly crossing and decided to cut me off anyway. I made eye contact with him as he drove by without a care. I yelled some things at him, yet it was pointless. He didn't care. It would've been far different if he had hit me because he KNEW I was crossing and flat-out didn't care.
I can deal with someone having a moment and not seeing me, even with my daughter involved. It happens to all of us. I can't deal with someone who clearly doesn't care and cuts me off because his precious time is far more valuable than the safety of a pedestrian.
Anyhow, after the police ran my social and EMS had me sign off that I was okay, the police informed me that I could go home if I wanted, that they didn't need me for anything else. I thanked them, EMS, and the people who had stopped and showed they cared. This included the couple in the Jeep, the off-duty officer, and a man on a bike who had been yelling out the offending car's license plate number in case the woman fled the scene.
You all showed that unlike the jerk in the previous intersection, you gave a damn and are the type of people I can be proud of. Even the woman who hit me showed some compassion, even if she still was fairly stunned when I went to leave.
The most astounding part of the ordeal came after I was allowed to leave. I once again hit the button to get a signal to cross, but this time, I waited a moment before crossing the street. I didn't think the odds of a third vehicle nearly hitting me were good, but I wasn't taking the chance.
It's a good thing I did so, because the obnoxiously large pick-up truck that was first in line not only went through without allowing me to cross, it peeled out as if the driver intended on getting through before I could even think about it. I heard someone yell "what the hell is wrong with people" and one of the officers called into dispatch to report the license plate of the truck.
I then was able to FINALLY safely cross the street and head back.
Upon getting back to the apartment, I was greeted outside by a neighbor and her fiance, both of whom had driven by at different times and had seen me walking. Her fiance had actually gone by right before the car hit me, so he knew someone had been hit, and apparently when he described me and the stroller, she knew it was me.
I was appreciative again that someone showed concern and talked to both of them for a few moments.
It's just incredible to me what happened Sunday. I'm grateful I wasn't seriously hurt, but what about all the people who are, or worse, killed because someone didn't pay attention?
We're all so distracted these days too. I no longer look at my phone when I'm driving, but I see plenty of people attempting to look at their phones, or worse, text. I've seen people do things from putting on makeup, eating, or looking for something that they *need*. It's cell phones more than anything that cause issues, but sometimes it's just as simple as someone not paying attention.
The moral of the story is, don't expect people to stop for you. I know, that's a horrible thing to have to say, but it's true. Don't assume that just because you have a signal that you can cross, that everyone is going to wait for you. People are impatient and rude in a lot of cases, and you walking in front of them is a nuisance.
Pay attention to what's going on around you. If you think someone isn't going to wait for you to cross, don't tempt fate. People who are conscious of a pedestrian at a crosswalk will wait for you. They won't go and then stop suddenly. They won't start driving at all until you're out of the street.
I had an incident recently just because I wanted to cross a street. Hopefully you don't have the same thing happen to you.
If you don't, why not? You missed out on quite the story!
For those of you who didn't see what happened, I was crossing route 20 in Painesville at a crosswalk with the crosswalk light indicating I could cross. Without even thinking anything could happen (which was a mistake given what nearly happened minutes earlier at another crossing), I started heading across the street, Kylie in front of me.
Suddenly, I heard a horn honk, looked to my left, and saw a car pretty much right on me. Without really thinking, I slammed my hand onto the hood of the car as it rolled into my knee, which thanks to me lifting myself up slightly, allowed me to roll off the side of the car and onto the pavement. My actions also forced the stroller in front further, thus avoiding injury to Kylie. She ended up facing the sky as the stroller fell back when I landed as I had never let go of the handle.
Almost immediately you could hear people yelling at the driver and one woman was running towards me. I later realized she was a passenger in the Jeep that had honked and multiple people, including an off-duty police officer, had called 911 before I could even get off the street.
I'll admit. I was dazed by what happened, not because I had hit my head or anything, but the shock my system temporarily went into after landing. It took a minute to realize I should check on Kylie, who looked extremely annoyed that she was looking up at the sky as opposed to forward. After looking her over and feeling relief that she wasn't hurt, I checked my knee out (which is still bruised today).
Luckily I only had a couple of scrapes and no pain in the knee (adrenaline is wonderful sometimes), so I didn't need EMS even though they arrived, along with several police officers, very quickly after the accident.
The woman herself appeared to be in shock too. When I walked over to where the police were at, she just said she never saw me. She didn't know why, she just never saw me.
This has been the part of the story that has caused confusion it seems for those that I've discussed this with. Most have said they would've been extremely angry, that they would've been yelling at the woman if they had been hit. Seriously injured or not, they would've been pissed off.
I get that. That's the natural response. That and "how could you NOT see me?"
And honestly, I wanted to be a little mad about it. I wanted to be mad because my daughter was nearly hit. I wanted to feel more outrage to an extent.
But I didn't.
And it's possible that if it happens to anyone who claims they'd be angry, I'm not so sure they'd be as angry as they think. I don't know. They probably don't really know. It's hard to tell how you're going to react because shock and adrenaline do different things to different people.
I've never been an angry outburst type of person when I feel something was done maliciously. In other words, if I feel it was an accident and the person feels bad enough, it's hard to get mad at the person. This woman clearly felt bad, so it was hard to get mad.
Honestly, I've nearly hit people crossing because I didn't see them. You aren't always looking for pedestrians and sometimes your mind is distracted. You've made that turn a hundred times and just don't think someone could be walking through the intersection until you either come close to hitting them or nearly hit them.
Now, if Kylie had been hurt, I might have found some rage. But between not being hurt myself and her not being hurt, I was too occupied with being relieved to be mad in the least.
Plus, I learned a long time ago that negative energy doesn't get you very far, that sometimes it's better to take a look at the big picture. Yes, I was hit by a car, but I wasn't seriously hurt and my daughter was uninjured. Big picture, it could've been a lot worse if the driver of the Jeep didn't honk his horn, or if I had crossed slightly slower than I had been. Kylie most certainly would've been hit in that case and possibly injured.
In the long run, I feel relieved still. So anger is not an option for me right now.
The bigger issue is the problem of crossing the road. There are crosswalks and signs for a reason, yet many drivers ignore pedestrians or act inconvenienced if someone's crossing the street. As I mentioned before, I had nearly been hit a few moments earlier at a different crosswalk.
The difference was the guy driving through saw me clearly crossing and decided to cut me off anyway. I made eye contact with him as he drove by without a care. I yelled some things at him, yet it was pointless. He didn't care. It would've been far different if he had hit me because he KNEW I was crossing and flat-out didn't care.
I can deal with someone having a moment and not seeing me, even with my daughter involved. It happens to all of us. I can't deal with someone who clearly doesn't care and cuts me off because his precious time is far more valuable than the safety of a pedestrian.
Anyhow, after the police ran my social and EMS had me sign off that I was okay, the police informed me that I could go home if I wanted, that they didn't need me for anything else. I thanked them, EMS, and the people who had stopped and showed they cared. This included the couple in the Jeep, the off-duty officer, and a man on a bike who had been yelling out the offending car's license plate number in case the woman fled the scene.
You all showed that unlike the jerk in the previous intersection, you gave a damn and are the type of people I can be proud of. Even the woman who hit me showed some compassion, even if she still was fairly stunned when I went to leave.
The most astounding part of the ordeal came after I was allowed to leave. I once again hit the button to get a signal to cross, but this time, I waited a moment before crossing the street. I didn't think the odds of a third vehicle nearly hitting me were good, but I wasn't taking the chance.
It's a good thing I did so, because the obnoxiously large pick-up truck that was first in line not only went through without allowing me to cross, it peeled out as if the driver intended on getting through before I could even think about it. I heard someone yell "what the hell is wrong with people" and one of the officers called into dispatch to report the license plate of the truck.
I then was able to FINALLY safely cross the street and head back.
Upon getting back to the apartment, I was greeted outside by a neighbor and her fiance, both of whom had driven by at different times and had seen me walking. Her fiance had actually gone by right before the car hit me, so he knew someone had been hit, and apparently when he described me and the stroller, she knew it was me.
I was appreciative again that someone showed concern and talked to both of them for a few moments.
It's just incredible to me what happened Sunday. I'm grateful I wasn't seriously hurt, but what about all the people who are, or worse, killed because someone didn't pay attention?
We're all so distracted these days too. I no longer look at my phone when I'm driving, but I see plenty of people attempting to look at their phones, or worse, text. I've seen people do things from putting on makeup, eating, or looking for something that they *need*. It's cell phones more than anything that cause issues, but sometimes it's just as simple as someone not paying attention.
The moral of the story is, don't expect people to stop for you. I know, that's a horrible thing to have to say, but it's true. Don't assume that just because you have a signal that you can cross, that everyone is going to wait for you. People are impatient and rude in a lot of cases, and you walking in front of them is a nuisance.
Pay attention to what's going on around you. If you think someone isn't going to wait for you to cross, don't tempt fate. People who are conscious of a pedestrian at a crosswalk will wait for you. They won't go and then stop suddenly. They won't start driving at all until you're out of the street.
I had an incident recently just because I wanted to cross a street. Hopefully you don't have the same thing happen to you.
Thursday, March 19, 2015
TBT - Revisiting an Old Entry
Back on 10/22/12, I wrote this piece about what I was thinking about once I realized I was going to be a dad for the first time. It was an exciting, yet scary time for me personally, but has been one hell of a ride since her birth.
Now that Kylie is approaching 2 years old, Rachel came up with a great idea to revisit this post and respond to some of the things I had written. Sections of the original post will appear in this entry in italics, while my responses will be in bold.
I hope you enjoy this look back at how I originally felt and how I see things now.
I don't want that same experience for my future kid (or kids). I don't want them to grow up and wonder the same things I wondered. I always envisioned myself being a better father to my kids than my dad was towards me. I want for them what I missed, what I wished I would have experienced.
This is still something I strive for. There are so many "what-ifs" revolving around my childhood experience, and while there will always be missed opportunities, I want to keep those to a minimum with Kylie and Payton.
I can't overstate how awesome it is to have a girlfriend in Rachel who loves football and baseball though. Guys, always appreciate it when you find a girl like that because there are certainly a number of them out there who could care less about sports in general.
This is no joke. It's always easier to be in a relationship when both of you have similar interests. Hell, she even sits and watches the Cavs with me. That type of thing goes a long way.
I don't want my child to have to do that. I want him/her to relish the moments we have, grow up and know that I'm there when they need me to be, but also to push the way my mom tried to push us. I want my child to fondly remember his/her childhood moments, not possibly be the plot behind some made-for-tv special about child abuse and drugs.
I admittedly probably enjoy this last line a lot more than I should, but it's still true.
Why all this gibber gabber? Rachel is pregnant and expecting her second child and my first. We were trying to wait to make an official announcement, but the cat's out of the bag and I can now openly write about what will be first experience in fatherhood.
What are my emotions? I'm excited, I'm happy, I'm anxious, and even a little scared. This is as unknown a territory as a person can possibly enter. Sure, there are thousands of books, online articles, and other sources of information on being a parent. There's the expertise of Rachel, who has three years experience now. Yet you never really know what to expect. Is it a boy, is it a girl, will they be a loud baby, a quiet baby? Will they listen when they get older or will they be defiant? Will they need meds? Will everything come out okay?
The emotional roller coaster went on the entire time Rachel was pregnant, maybe more so for her, but I definitely experienced them. You start thinking about what if the child has some kind of birth defect, or genetic issue, or anything that could be bad. You see stories online all the time of babies not living beyond a few hours or days and you hope and pray that isn't you.
In summary, all the books in the world won't prepare you enough, but being mentally strong will get you through most anything. We found out it was going to be a girl, and after some wrestling with names, we settled on Kylie Brooke. For the most part she was quiet, but she had her loud moments. She's become somewhat defiant as she's gotten older, but nothing too horribly bad. And while she tried to scare us all by not breathing on her own initially due to her cord being around neck, she pulled through and is a completely healthy, feisty, yet small little girl.
Yet despite all the uncertainty that comes with the pregnancy and then actual raising of the child, I'm excited. I look forward to being the dad that squishes his kid's face just because it looks funny to him. I look forward to carrying him/her around as an infant, then complaining when they can walk but still want to be carried. I look forward to their first words, then getting irritated because they won't stop talking back to me because they want that one singular toy.
Rachel mentioned last night as we discussed me writing this that one thing that's unique about us as a couple is either one of us is likely to mess with Kylie. Carrying her around and watching her take in the world was amazing to me, and while she still likes to be carried (more I think because she likes snuggling up to us), she can move pretty fast on her feet. The words are coming more and more with each week, and while she doesn't babble on about wanting a toy, she will grab anything she thinks she wants off the store shelves.
I have a chance to do the things with this child that I wanted my dad to do with me. If I'm lucky, this child will enjoy video games like me and I'll have a video game buddy (even better if Payton and Rachel join in). I've always admired a youtuber by the name of paulsoaresjr who plays and records Minecraft, but also plays with all three of his kids and his wife on occasion. It may not seem like much to most, but it's a way for him to stay connected with his kids as they get older, something most parents have to face at some point (two of his kids are in high school now).
Payton has shown a mild interest in games, so I'm fairly certain in a little while she'll be able to play some with me. Kylie likes running around with my broken Xbox 360 controller, but I can't say for sure if that means she's going to be into games or not. I still have an admiration for any gamer/YouTuber who plays and records games with their family. It's pretty cool to me.
I look forward to all the appointments leading up to the child being born, the first laugh, the first cry (after that, I'll probably be done with the crying), the first time I have to get up to take care of the baby in the middle of the night (again, probably done after that), the first crawl, the first steps, the first fall, the first run, the first big fall, the first teeth, and so on.
This is when things started to get wild. Hearing her heart beat for the first time, seeing the ultrasound pictures, and seeing the progress being made prior to her birth are things I won't forget. Nor will I forget the first time I was able to hold her. The crying is disheartening when they're younger because they can't tell you what's wrong and it's not always super obvious. It's sometimes trial by error as you try to figure out what's wrong and hope you hit on a solution.
While Rachel was breast feeding, we were both getting up in the middle of the night. I'd change Kylie, then hand her off and we'd all pass out in the bed together. Once Rachel stopped feeding her and started on a medication to help her sleep, it became and has stayed primarily my responsibility to grab Ky when she wakes up in the middle of the night. More often than not she's sleeping until the 5-7am range, so it's not too bad. Rachel will attempt to grab her if she happens to wake up before she goes to bed, but that doesn't happen a lot.
I wasn't around for the very first crawl, but I did manage to catch her next attempt (which was motivated by pizza). I happened to be recording her again when she took her first big steps by herself, and while it's hard to say if I saw her first fall, I've seen plenty, including her rolling off of the couch and the bed. Her first teeth led to an explosion in what she could eat. The kid had already become a vacuum towards food, but having teeth has made it easier for her to eat just about anything.
The words are most exciting right now though. She's learning different words and phrases and hearing her use them correctly is more than a little exciting.
So while there are uncertainties and questions, there's also excitement and joy. I get to be a dad, and it gets to be my minion.
Yes, I've been calling it a minion. There's nothing any of you can do about it either.
She was also a Velociraptor for a long period of time too, which was only reinforced once she was born and would make this ungodly squealing noise when she'd see the cats. She doesn't make it as often anymore, but it was her battle cry for many months.
The end of May is a long way away though. That means there's plenty of time to prepare for all the things that come with having a new baby. Supplies will be bought, a bigger living arrangement will be pursued, and we will try to be as prepared as possible when the new life comes into the picture.
The truth is, you can never be fully prepared. Many times, you will realize you're out of diapers or wipes. The baby will need Motrin when you can't find it or have just run out. That said, we did move into a bigger apartment (that's no longer big enough) and have tried to at least keep up with how she's developing.
Our minion will need a name once we know whether we're having a boy or girl, and that to me is going to be one of the more challenging parts of the equation. In the past, I had thought about names, but when I go through and think about it now, nothing jumps out at me yet. Maybe it's because we don't know the sex of it yet, but as of now, even going through some lists of baby names, nothing has jumped at me just yet.
Kylie Brooke!
Life will certainly change come the end of May. Rachel is still encouraging me to sign up for next year's Warrior Dash, but I've been hedging since it takes place at the very beginning of June and I don't want there to be a conflict. Now, don't get me wrong, if Rachel is in labor when the Warrior Dash takes place, I'm not going. Simple as that. In an ideal world, the child would come either before or after the actual event.
Kylie decided that she was done playing in Rachel's belly and was born May 19th, which was about a week and a half before her actual due date. It ended up working out in the long run.
The world isn't ideal though and things already somewhat revolve around the unborn child. I have to consider the idea of buying as many baby supply items as possible so that we don't have to worry about that as much during the first couple of months. I have to make sure I have money set aside because there is going to be a period of time when Rachel isn't going to be able to work.
Money...it's always an issue, isn't it?
In the end, I'm excited for the future new addition and the changes it will bring. I'm excited for the memories that will be created by this addition.
Most importantly though, I'm excited about the chance to be the dad that I wish that I had.
Get ready world, our minion is coming.
And boy did she ever arrive.
On a side note, we ran in the Run of the Dead this past weekend and it was a pretty good time. Some of the zombies talked a little more than I thought and some of the zombie kids were a bit rambunctious, but it was still fun and something we'd both do again given the opportunity. It was down in Plymouth, OH, so it was a bit of a drive to get there, but we got there early and ran at a pretty decent pace considering Rachel hadn't run in a while and is a couple months along with the pregnancy.
But yeah, the main point of this? I have a minion on the way.
Duck and cover people, duck and cover.
I ducked, I covered, and it hasn't helped. My child is somehow able to break my defenses every time.
Now that Kylie is approaching 2 years old, Rachel came up with a great idea to revisit this post and respond to some of the things I had written. Sections of the original post will appear in this entry in italics, while my responses will be in bold.
I hope you enjoy this look back at how I originally felt and how I see things now.
I don't want that same experience for my future kid (or kids). I don't want them to grow up and wonder the same things I wondered. I always envisioned myself being a better father to my kids than my dad was towards me. I want for them what I missed, what I wished I would have experienced.
This is still something I strive for. There are so many "what-ifs" revolving around my childhood experience, and while there will always be missed opportunities, I want to keep those to a minimum with Kylie and Payton.
I can't overstate how awesome it is to have a girlfriend in Rachel who loves football and baseball though. Guys, always appreciate it when you find a girl like that because there are certainly a number of them out there who could care less about sports in general.
This is no joke. It's always easier to be in a relationship when both of you have similar interests. Hell, she even sits and watches the Cavs with me. That type of thing goes a long way.
I don't want my child to have to do that. I want him/her to relish the moments we have, grow up and know that I'm there when they need me to be, but also to push the way my mom tried to push us. I want my child to fondly remember his/her childhood moments, not possibly be the plot behind some made-for-tv special about child abuse and drugs.
I admittedly probably enjoy this last line a lot more than I should, but it's still true.
Why all this gibber gabber? Rachel is pregnant and expecting her second child and my first. We were trying to wait to make an official announcement, but the cat's out of the bag and I can now openly write about what will be first experience in fatherhood.
What are my emotions? I'm excited, I'm happy, I'm anxious, and even a little scared. This is as unknown a territory as a person can possibly enter. Sure, there are thousands of books, online articles, and other sources of information on being a parent. There's the expertise of Rachel, who has three years experience now. Yet you never really know what to expect. Is it a boy, is it a girl, will they be a loud baby, a quiet baby? Will they listen when they get older or will they be defiant? Will they need meds? Will everything come out okay?
The emotional roller coaster went on the entire time Rachel was pregnant, maybe more so for her, but I definitely experienced them. You start thinking about what if the child has some kind of birth defect, or genetic issue, or anything that could be bad. You see stories online all the time of babies not living beyond a few hours or days and you hope and pray that isn't you.
In summary, all the books in the world won't prepare you enough, but being mentally strong will get you through most anything. We found out it was going to be a girl, and after some wrestling with names, we settled on Kylie Brooke. For the most part she was quiet, but she had her loud moments. She's become somewhat defiant as she's gotten older, but nothing too horribly bad. And while she tried to scare us all by not breathing on her own initially due to her cord being around neck, she pulled through and is a completely healthy, feisty, yet small little girl.
Yet despite all the uncertainty that comes with the pregnancy and then actual raising of the child, I'm excited. I look forward to being the dad that squishes his kid's face just because it looks funny to him. I look forward to carrying him/her around as an infant, then complaining when they can walk but still want to be carried. I look forward to their first words, then getting irritated because they won't stop talking back to me because they want that one singular toy.
Rachel mentioned last night as we discussed me writing this that one thing that's unique about us as a couple is either one of us is likely to mess with Kylie. Carrying her around and watching her take in the world was amazing to me, and while she still likes to be carried (more I think because she likes snuggling up to us), she can move pretty fast on her feet. The words are coming more and more with each week, and while she doesn't babble on about wanting a toy, she will grab anything she thinks she wants off the store shelves.
I have a chance to do the things with this child that I wanted my dad to do with me. If I'm lucky, this child will enjoy video games like me and I'll have a video game buddy (even better if Payton and Rachel join in). I've always admired a youtuber by the name of paulsoaresjr who plays and records Minecraft, but also plays with all three of his kids and his wife on occasion. It may not seem like much to most, but it's a way for him to stay connected with his kids as they get older, something most parents have to face at some point (two of his kids are in high school now).
Payton has shown a mild interest in games, so I'm fairly certain in a little while she'll be able to play some with me. Kylie likes running around with my broken Xbox 360 controller, but I can't say for sure if that means she's going to be into games or not. I still have an admiration for any gamer/YouTuber who plays and records games with their family. It's pretty cool to me.
I look forward to all the appointments leading up to the child being born, the first laugh, the first cry (after that, I'll probably be done with the crying), the first time I have to get up to take care of the baby in the middle of the night (again, probably done after that), the first crawl, the first steps, the first fall, the first run, the first big fall, the first teeth, and so on.
This is when things started to get wild. Hearing her heart beat for the first time, seeing the ultrasound pictures, and seeing the progress being made prior to her birth are things I won't forget. Nor will I forget the first time I was able to hold her. The crying is disheartening when they're younger because they can't tell you what's wrong and it's not always super obvious. It's sometimes trial by error as you try to figure out what's wrong and hope you hit on a solution.
While Rachel was breast feeding, we were both getting up in the middle of the night. I'd change Kylie, then hand her off and we'd all pass out in the bed together. Once Rachel stopped feeding her and started on a medication to help her sleep, it became and has stayed primarily my responsibility to grab Ky when she wakes up in the middle of the night. More often than not she's sleeping until the 5-7am range, so it's not too bad. Rachel will attempt to grab her if she happens to wake up before she goes to bed, but that doesn't happen a lot.
I wasn't around for the very first crawl, but I did manage to catch her next attempt (which was motivated by pizza). I happened to be recording her again when she took her first big steps by herself, and while it's hard to say if I saw her first fall, I've seen plenty, including her rolling off of the couch and the bed. Her first teeth led to an explosion in what she could eat. The kid had already become a vacuum towards food, but having teeth has made it easier for her to eat just about anything.
The words are most exciting right now though. She's learning different words and phrases and hearing her use them correctly is more than a little exciting.
So while there are uncertainties and questions, there's also excitement and joy. I get to be a dad, and it gets to be my minion.
Yes, I've been calling it a minion. There's nothing any of you can do about it either.
She was also a Velociraptor for a long period of time too, which was only reinforced once she was born and would make this ungodly squealing noise when she'd see the cats. She doesn't make it as often anymore, but it was her battle cry for many months.
The end of May is a long way away though. That means there's plenty of time to prepare for all the things that come with having a new baby. Supplies will be bought, a bigger living arrangement will be pursued, and we will try to be as prepared as possible when the new life comes into the picture.
The truth is, you can never be fully prepared. Many times, you will realize you're out of diapers or wipes. The baby will need Motrin when you can't find it or have just run out. That said, we did move into a bigger apartment (that's no longer big enough) and have tried to at least keep up with how she's developing.
Our minion will need a name once we know whether we're having a boy or girl, and that to me is going to be one of the more challenging parts of the equation. In the past, I had thought about names, but when I go through and think about it now, nothing jumps out at me yet. Maybe it's because we don't know the sex of it yet, but as of now, even going through some lists of baby names, nothing has jumped at me just yet.
Kylie Brooke!
Life will certainly change come the end of May. Rachel is still encouraging me to sign up for next year's Warrior Dash, but I've been hedging since it takes place at the very beginning of June and I don't want there to be a conflict. Now, don't get me wrong, if Rachel is in labor when the Warrior Dash takes place, I'm not going. Simple as that. In an ideal world, the child would come either before or after the actual event.
Kylie decided that she was done playing in Rachel's belly and was born May 19th, which was about a week and a half before her actual due date. It ended up working out in the long run.
The world isn't ideal though and things already somewhat revolve around the unborn child. I have to consider the idea of buying as many baby supply items as possible so that we don't have to worry about that as much during the first couple of months. I have to make sure I have money set aside because there is going to be a period of time when Rachel isn't going to be able to work.
Money...it's always an issue, isn't it?
In the end, I'm excited for the future new addition and the changes it will bring. I'm excited for the memories that will be created by this addition.
Most importantly though, I'm excited about the chance to be the dad that I wish that I had.
Get ready world, our minion is coming.
And boy did she ever arrive.
On a side note, we ran in the Run of the Dead this past weekend and it was a pretty good time. Some of the zombies talked a little more than I thought and some of the zombie kids were a bit rambunctious, but it was still fun and something we'd both do again given the opportunity. It was down in Plymouth, OH, so it was a bit of a drive to get there, but we got there early and ran at a pretty decent pace considering Rachel hadn't run in a while and is a couple months along with the pregnancy.
But yeah, the main point of this? I have a minion on the way.
Duck and cover people, duck and cover.
I ducked, I covered, and it hasn't helped. My child is somehow able to break my defenses every time.
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
Life Changes
It's really hard to maintain a lot of different hobbies as you get older.
Sure, when you're young, you have time to write a blog, post videos to YouTube, go out with friends, play sports, play video games, and sleep in until 2pm when you have no school/work.
Then you get older and life starts to feel like it's compressing on you. Responsibilities grow as you do. Your body, which used to be able to function just fine on 4 hours of sleep, now needs twice that to function. Those days of getting hammered and then being productive the next day? The dwindle, as does the amount of alcohol you can consume before it leaves you immobile the next day.
This is without a loved one and/or family. Now throw the additional responsibilities of having a family to maintain into the fray.
It becomes a bit much.
But it's so rewarding. So much more so than the nights of partying and friends who turn on you the moment you aren't "available" to be their taxi service anymore.
Now, I'm not saying I know anyone who's like that, because I don't. My friends have been relatively accepting of the fact that I've moved further away and don't go out really anymore. Life is full of changes and many of them have experienced their own that have completely reshaped who they are.
No, what I'm saying is as you get older, the things that are important to you change. Going out, getting hammered, and living care-free become less and less important. Getting to work on time, making sure your bills are paid, and doing honest work become much more important.
I can honestly sit here and tell you that sitting down with my almost 2 year-old little girl and playing is FAR more entertaining then getting drunk. It's far more fun than just about anything that you could possibly do. It's highly rewarding, and seeing her laugh and smile is one of the greatest gifts this life can give me.
Now, I still enjoy my video games, my sports, and taking time to relax, but quite frankly, life isn't really trying to allow me to relax. The responsibilities I have now are far greater than when I was 24. I have an apartment to pay for, utilities to take care of, people to feed, animals to take care of, and any other number of things that require my attention.
I have maybe a couple hours a day after the kids go to bed to just decompress, and that's if there's nothing else that NEEDS to be done.
But there's always something that needs to be done.
Kids really do change things in life though. You no longer can just get up and go somewhere just because you want to. You have to have someone who can watch your child, or that child is going with you. You can't just go out, get obliterated, and pass out. No, you have a child to take care of now. Life dictates that you be able to function in case something happens.
And something will happen.
Kids are mobile accidents just waiting to happen. They trip over things, they fall over nothing, they run into anything that's in their zig-zagging path. They are the equivalent of an adult who's drunk. Until they get older, you don't know what in the hell they're saying to you, and that's without them crying like crazy over some random thing that you have to figure out.
They need constant attention, and if you don't pay attention to them by choice, eventually at some point they'll give you a reason to pay attention.
They cry, they poop, they eat random things they find, and they find the most random things funny.
I love it.
I've always had kids of some sort around me from the moment my sister began popping them out several years ago, to a couple of different relationships where the woman had kids. Even this one I'm in now, I was introduced to a child just under 2 at the time who's now 5 and has the mouth of a 15 year-old (in other words, not good!).
But when it's your own actual kid?
It's different, even if you don't mean for it to be. This is something you helped create, something that is drawing inspiration from you and has many of your traits. For better and worse, it's going to take after you.
And Kylie sure does.
She's small, she's feisty, she eats everything in sight, and she runs like she was shot out of a cannon. She can drive me crazy, much like her sister, but when she needs me, also like her sister, it's the most rewarding feeling to know that they are turning to you to make them feel better.
Kylie and her sister have consumed many, many hours of my life over the last couple of years. It has drained me at times to the point that I've almost severely neglected my YouTube Channel. I haven't played basketball in months.
But I've had the time of my life.
I'm writing this because I love writing and hate that I don't have the time I'd like. By the time the kids go to bed at around 9pm, I have to decide if I'm going to play a game, work on other computer stuff, clean up some part of the apartment, or veg out and watch tv or a movie.
Often, writing isn't even on my mind.
Quite frankly, I could see my writing transitioning into Vlogs in the future, as I do enjoy doing those, but still have to find my comfort with chatting to myself about things that are on my mind. I enjoy the aspect of recording myself either playing video games or myself alone talking about random things and putting them up for people to watch. It's an oddly satisfying experience that I don't think I'd ever completely give up, but it's not something that I feel driven to do everyday.
I simply don't have the energy to. Nor do I have the time to go through the process of editing a ton of footage. It's why I tell people who don't have spouses or kids to make the most of their time however they see fit. That free time slowly disappears until you realize you have very little.
Again, I'm not complaining. I wouldn't trade the way things are for anything. It's more of an explanation as to why I don't write much and what happens to the average person as they get older.
Enjoy the time, but more importantly, enjoy the things that matter most to you, no matter what those things may be.
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