Oh, hello blog - a long update

As is often the case, it's been quite a while since I've written anything in here.

Oh sure, I've posted just about every video I've uploaded to YouTube, but that isn't quite the same as a written post, and I know it. I'll admit, I'm surprised somewhat by the high level of views some of the blog posts seem to have accrued, although it hasn't translated into YouTube success as of yet.

Last time I wrote, it was Christmas. A few things have changed since then and a few more are likely to change again.

I built my PC, a project I've been wanting to do since, oh, 2014. It's a pretty beastly machine if I say so myself. It has an i7 5820k processor, lots of fast storage, and a GTX 1070 to run all my games at very high settings and still get great frame rates in the games I play. I have a pair of monitors now, one at 144hz to keep the gaming smooth.

My ex received notification that they are ready to place her in a public housing unit soon. We don't know when, but it's going to happen at some point, which means a major life change (no more every day with Kylie sadly).

Things are still going relatively well at work, even as a lot of stuff is changing there and we're putting together a plan that hopefully means less stress on all of us and the rest of the staff barely notices anything new is going on.

Speaking of Kylie, she's going to be 4 soon. This little girl that at one point was just a lump that cried and occasionally ate is a full-fledged toddler, running full steam and bouncing off of everything. She's my everything and the reason why I do all the things I do to try and keep her life as easy as possible.

None of that is the reason I'm writing anything though. No, unfortunately, for the first time in what feels like ages, I felt that old friend self-doubt starting to creep into my head. It slowly worked its way into my mind yesterday morning, getting my mind working, then went full steam ahead, bringing me down for a little while.

A lot of things contribute to this of course. Being single and basically incapable of dating for the last two years certainly played a factor in it. I've done a decent job of not worrying about that aspect of my life, but I suppose it was only a matter of time before it pushed its way back to the front of my mind.

And now 24 hours later, I feel silly for even feeling that way, but I still want to explore, and maybe even explain to myself, how it happened and how I've already moved it back into the back of my mind.

To keep it simple, the self-doubt stems from earlier years. I was treated very poorly by peers when I was much, much younger, and I never really completely recovered from those days. In a lot of ways, I never forgave some of the people involved in the cruel jokes that were played on me back then, but I suppose some of that is human nature.

Some of it stems from recent things. My teeth being in poor condition certainly hasn't helped. I was never known as someone with a great smile, but that was more a reluctance to smile. That reluctance isn't so heavy now, but now I am insecure with the actual condition of my teeth (one of the lovely joys of genetics) and therefore resist many urges to smile except in certain company.

Some of my self-doubt is related to the fact that who in their right mind would want to even think about dating someone who has bad teeth, has a kid, and has an ex for a roommate? Some of those things are just things in my head, but the last point has been reiterated to me multiple times the few times I've attempted to actually talk to someone.

So I don't even try.

Another mostly unfair aspect of the self-doubt is feeling that certain women I know already would be absolutely perfect to date (mesh well, they get me, etc.) For various reasons, it won't happen. In some cases, distance is the driving force, but in other instances, there are other factors that I simply won't get into as no one needs to know all the details.

For some reason, it hit me hard yesterday though that I feel like some of the best matches for me are impractical at best, and therefore why even bother trying?

It's a weird place for me to be. I very rarely get sad/depressed/whatever you want to call it. I've put a lot of effort into improving my demeanor, not being such a cranky butt, and just being a better person in general. I no longer go on facebook posting attention-seeking things and I try to remember that things I post could be considered a reflection of the job I have.

I've toned it down significantly, something I'm reminded of almost every day when I look at my memories. The further back the posts go in time, the more melodramatic I sound and the more I cringe reading them.

I was worried about so many dumb things five, six years ago. I craved attention. I wanted to be, well, wanted. Unfortunately, my methods to get attention were self-destructing and more often than not, drove off people who otherwise I could have had friendships with and whatnot.

The number of people I exchanged comments with back in those days that aren't even on my radar these days is higher than it should be, but I do realize some of that is just people moving on in one way or another.

I know I'm a better person now though. Little things don't tend to drag me down. I'm not obsessing over who wants to talk to me, who doesn't, and if I'm going to date again. I'm not chasing people trying to convince them I'm worth talking to.

So it feels weird when I have an off day, a day where I feel completely worthless.

And it keeps things in perspective for me.

There are people that spend 90% of their lives feeling that way. The sad days FAR outweigh the happy days.

I can't fathom living life that way because my mind isn't wired that way. Sure, yesterday was not a good day for me, but I'd be willing to bet that unless I let my guard down, most would never have ever guessed it was a bad day. I didn't let my guard down though. I tried very hard to not let it impact how I treated other people because other people weren't the reason I felt how I felt.

I've grown as a person over the last couple of years. Having Kylie has helped me realize just how trivial other things are in life. I used to be a HUGE sports fan. I was so invested in all the teams and was the type of person that would get real angry if the team I rooted for didn't perform well. It would affect my mood and how I treated people.

While I still follow my teams and try to go to games, my life does not revolve around sports anymore. I've probably watched maybe 5 Cavs games this season and I LOVE basketball. I love the Cavs. But Kylie wants to watch Bubble Guppies so guess what's on my TV?

I find it scary now when someone on social media flips out over sports. Or anything else that isn't family, job, or health related. We spend so much time worrying about things that aren't important and often lose sight of what is. The worst I've been about that in the last few months has actually been because of this PC I built.

I was so hell-bent on doing it, it consumed me. Yet even then, it wasn't all that bad because Kylie helped me with so much of the process. She helped me unbox most of the parts, helped me build a lot of the stuff, and has constantly been involved at some point with the process. Just watch my last video in the PC Build Vlog series. She pretty much helped me build my chair from start to finish, helped me put the softbox lights I bought.

So even in something that had consumed me, she was part of it and it became something we did together at times.

My mentality has completely shifted since Kylie was born. I'm a happier person because of her.

My boss has helped push that in me too. Whether she ever really knows it, Kelley has been a huge factor in getting me to stop being such a grump and be a better person.

I still have a lot of room to grow, but I feel I've come a long way.

Some might wonder if this means the snark is gone, if I've stopped using sarcasm.

I haven't. But I pick my spots better and do a better job of showing compassion when it's needed.

In the end, if I'm meant to date someone, it'll happen. It won't likely be soon because of my current situation, but someday, someone could potentially come along that's perfect for me. One bad day doesn't change that mentality, but letting that one bad become a bad week, then bad month doesn't help things either.

I mean, I've become the type of person I used to loathe; the happy-go-lucky look at the bright side kind of person.

I can typically see the positive in any situation now and always tell myself it could be worse. I know it could be. I see it every day in people who are clients where I work, people who are truly struggling with issues that often aren't of their own making, but due to things beyond their control. I've seen how bad it can be, how much the mind can go, how dark it can be.

I'm not anywhere close to that and hope I never am. Depression and anxiety are horrible things that a lot of people still don't understand. Mental health overall continues to be something that most would rather avoid than try to understand, and those who suffer from mental health issues often find themselves all alone in trying to cope.

It's a terrible thing.

Anyway, I wanted to write something to get a few things off my chest and I wrote a damn novel as always. If you've read this far, bless your soul.

I might do more, I might not. I do occasionally vlog on my YouTube channel and I'm considering getting more personal with them, but I'm still undecided.  YouTube can be a vicious place, but then again, so can social media overall.

That's a rant for another time.

Thanks for reading.