Has it really been this long?

Hi again.

It's been a long time, hasn't it?

I do believe aside from YouTube spam, it's been nearly 10 months since I last wrote in here.

Some of it is a continuing lack of time. I only have so much time once Kylie goes to sleep to work on anything, and typically I either want to play a game, work on something with my channels, contribute to a tech site, write something, or just look up various things.

More often than not though, by the time Kylie is asleep around 10:30 or 11pm, I'm exhausted. I don't have the energy to do anything too strenuous and I'm creatively tapped out. Then I end up having trouble sleeping, or Kylie wakes up a few times, or the cats run me over, etc, etc.

Really though, it just comes down to not getting enough sleep consistently, working a different schedule at work, and a rambunctious child that isn't always so willing to go to bed, plus the fact that I'm still sharing an apartment with my ex and her oldest. There's always something to clean-up, something to take care, and that takes a toll as well.

That's not what I want to write about though.

See, recently my sister messaged me through Facebook and told me someone I used to know way back when had tried to reach her two years ago looking for me. I got curious and went into messenger and discovered I had 3 different message requests, all from at least two years ago, that I had NEVER seen. I had no idea because at the time, my privacy settings were much more strict than they are now. Facebook just didn't notify me and I had never noticed.

Two were from ex girlfriends that I hadn't spoken to in a long while. The third though was from a girl I had talked to many, many years ago. Hell, I'm not even sure what social media site it was to be honest (I have a guess in my head, but cannot confirm), but it pre-dated Facebook, Twitter, and even Myspace. I remembered chatting with her, but what we talked about escapes me. What I'll never forget is how uniquely her name is spelled. It's really hard to forget a name when it isn't spelled like you'd expect.

What she remembered was enjoying my writing, which makes sense. Years ago, I often bounced from site to site depending on where I could write. I know I used to occasionally write short stories, but much like even now, a lot of my writing was what was going on, things that agitated me, and a whole lot of woe-is-me type of nonsense that I try to avoid these days.

What struck me is how much effort this woman made to try and track me down two years ago. She tried to add me on Facebook (which was impossible at the time), and when that didn't work, she found my sister and tried to reach out to her. Of course, my sister didn't get it until this week, but once she did she let me know, I checked mine, and reached out to this woman.

Much to my surprise, she was excited that I messaged her, which in hindsight really shouldn't have surprised me. One of the things that I remember about her was she was one of the few genuinely nice people that I encountered in social media's infant stage, which is when we originally talked. While there are often still concerns about whether someone's who they say they are, back then it was even harder to pin down whether someone was legitimate or not. This woman seemed too good to be true, but she was always up for a chat.

It's also a reminder that distance isn't what determines friendships. She lives in a different state from me and has experienced some things of her own in the time we haven't talked, but I think that's only going to give us more to talk about in the coming days and months and I'm interested to see what her life has been like and see where it goes.

It kind of ties into what I had for a blog idea earlier about how many early "social media" sites were really just sites that were all about rating one another and so on. I remember a few that existed, "SWYDM (aka So Would You Do Me), "Hot or Not," and the shamelessly titled "RateMyBody," which was EXACTLY how you think it would be like.

Yet SWYDM in particular had a good run where I talked with people and had a lot of fun, even if at its core it was a relatively shallow site. The people I met though made it more than what it was originally meant to be.

Like a lot of things on the internet though, the site evolved and changed, and as it did, it became less appealing for me to hang around on. It eventually changed its name and I eventually stopped going there. I want to say it was after that   when I migrated to Myspace, where I spent a good portion of my time before it became such a waste and Facebook rose to prominence.

Life moved on, things changed, people came and went, and here I am, in December of 2016, still living with my ex, her oldest, and of course little Miss Kylie Brooke.

There's been a small influx of familiar faces of late though; people I used to know years ago finding me on Facebook and chatting it up on occasion. It's been nice to reconnect with some and remember why they were fun.

*Intermission*

I'm currently typing this blog post on my new keyboard, a Logitech G910 (the unboxing is one of the previous posts from this), which is part of why I'm anxious to write more in the future. Typing things up on a laptop keyboard is not fun and this keyboard is a HUGE improvement.

I also want to mention if you like old-school video game type of music (which I just found out is called Chiptune music), an artist by the name of tiasu is incredible. His stuff is on Spotify and if you want to buy individual albums, you can find him on Bandcamp. It's catchy, it's diverse, and I'm digging it so far.

*End Intermission*

I can't promise I'll be posting a lot in the immediate future, much like my YouTube and Twitch channels have been suffering. I do believe things will pick up once my living situation is different and in terms of games, I definitely think things will improve when I finally can put together a beast of a PC and upgrade the rest of my equipment as well.

I just know that there are some out there who really enjoy when I write and it's something I should really be making a better effort at when I have 20 minutes to sit down.

I do have my annual letter to Santa to compose, plus I do occasionally have ideas pop in my head. The key is to remember my Note allows me to write on the screen with the stylus even when the screen is off, which is a great way to jot down ideas.

I also want to record a vlog at least bi-weekly, but that's dependent on things happening in my life worth recording and talking about. They are fun to put together though, so I should try to do more, especially when I have such a fantastically awful story about Walmart and shoes for Kylie to relay.

I'm going to attempt to record that this weekend, but we'll see.

It is the holiday season though, so for the love of all things great, please be nice to each other. I know a lot of us are still trying to wrap our heads around Donald Trump being elected President, but it doesn't make it okay to act like pieces of crap towards each other. Show some love, be kind, and remember that person you're disgusted with is an actual human being and you really aren't any better than them.

I'll catch you guys later.

Maybe.

Moving Forward

Now that I've covered life changes in the previous entry, perhaps we can get back to blogging as normal.

I've typically reserved this blog to talk about sports because, well, I like sports. I like them a lot. They're much more fun when the teams I root for are good, but sometimes more entertaining when they're not.

For instance, after LeBron James left the Cleveland Cavaliers, the team was a train wreck, but it sometimes amusing to see how poorly they'd play. Kyrie Irving made things more interesting, but the team was still bad. It became more interesting when Dion Waiters joined the team, but all in all, this team was pretty awful for the most part. Last season was perhaps once of the weirdest seasons in recent memory, drawing some entertaining commentary from social media.

Well, James is back, the team started slowly but has become a powerhouse again, and they are generally fun to watch just because when the team is clicking, they are almost unbeatable.

I also follow the Indians and the Browns, but I tend not to talk as much about them for a few reasons. With the Indians, it's such a long season and there are so many who get much more in-depth with their discussions that it never seems like I should really try to discuss them much. Baseball is probably my favorite sport to attend live, but I don't get too excited writing about it.

The Browns have just been a trainwreck since 1999, so it's been really challenging to find motivation to discuss them. Look at this past season. The team was 7-4 and looked to be on the cusp of something big, yet fell completely apart and resumed being a laughingstock again. I won't even get into all the disasters that befell this franchise, but needless to say, most of it was ugly.

Blogging used to be my way of blowing off steam, my way of dealing with the issues that I had to deal with over the course of a day, week, month, and so on. I've gotten away from that in a lot of manners, but part of me feels I need to occasionally get back into that groove. It was a great way to vent and get things off my chest.

I also have my gaming hobby that I could occasionally discuss, but I've been reluctant to bring them up simply because I'm far too casual of a gamer to feel justified in writing about anything about them. It's another situation where I feel many more people write and talk about games far more competently than I ever could, even though my knowledge of games, consoles, and PC hardware/software has grown tremendously.

So chances are pretty good that 60-75% of the content in here will still be about sports, but I'm going to try and sprinkle more random things in here. I may even occasionally put short entries detailing things that the kids of said/done since it can be pretty wild and entertaining at times.

One of the problems I am trying to tell myself to overcome is the need to write longer entries to justify the act of writing. I've never been big on putting short, concise posts up, but I think I'm getting to the point where I think putting something short and sweet up a few times a week is far better than refusing to write unless it turns into a 34 paragraph essay filled with intense and deep thoughts.

I've also considered when I do Vlogs, putting a post up with a link to that Vlog so people can check it out (especially if I'm able to embed it into the entry itself).

I feel there's so much more I can do to express myself, whether it's via blog or my channel on YouTube, but like I mentioned in my last entry, so much of it comes down to time. It's why I haven't really gone crazy promoting my channel.

It's time consuming and I just don't have the time or energy to do it on a consistent basis. Is it hurting the growth of my channel? Absolutely, just like not feeling I can commit to doing collaborations with other YouTubers is hurting the growth as well. The best I can hope for is to post the video links in here, push the videos on the sites that I do utilize, and see what happens.

In the end, I'm opinionated, but I've been keeping my opinions to myself more often than not lately.

It might be time to change that.

Anyway, thanks for being patient with me as I try to decide what's going to happen here, with my channel, and if I decide to build a web site for my "Kracker Gaming" brand.

trying to do what's right

There are certain things I don't take joy in writing about.

I like writing about sports, I like writing about stupid things I see on a regular basis, I like writing about the things I do with Rachel and Payton.

I like writing.

Just not when it involves the possibility of having to put my cat Kisa to sleep.

For those unaware, Kisa has been with me since I was 14 and a freshman in high school.  I'm now 31 and she's still with me.  She's older as well and it shows.  She's been arthritic for a while, she's no longer really grooming herself, her appetite isn't good at all, and it seems as if she's trying to tell me something since she's taken to peeing on the floor in the spare bedroom randomly.

She's always occasionally peed on stuff for various reasons, usually her being mad at me for one reason or another.  In the past, it was predictable.  It was limited to towels and the occasional plastic bag.  Now it's just straight onto the carpet and that's raised my level of concern greatly.

So what makes it hard to write about this?

I don't want to write some lengthy piece "remembering" Kisa before she's actually gone.  On Thursday she's going in for bloodwork and that will determine the next step.  If the bloodwork shows she has some serious issues, it's going to be time to put her down.  If it doesn't, it's on to the next test.

I also don't want to be all sappy about it either.

What I refuse to do is what I've seen other people do in the past.  I refuse to keep her alive just because I can't let go.  I can't sit there and give her a ton of medications that "might" be making her better without really knowing for sure.  I can't sit here and justify dragging it out when she's possibly suffering.

Do I think she's suffering?  It's hard to say.  I know she doesn't move the way she used to, but she doesn't give any solid indication that she's in pain.  She doesn't whine or cry a lot when I'm home.  She just kind of purrs, tries to lay in my lap, and after a while goes to sleep somewhere like she always has.  She's very affectionate still with me.  She doesn't act like she's in pain, but then again, neither did Shade before my mom discovered that he had severe issues with his leg.

The only way I'm going to know is by having some work done and see what the results are.

What I do know is I'm prepared for the worst in this case.  I'm ready if the vet tells me that she needs to be put down.  I'm not going to argue, tell them they need to do something to make her better.

I'm not going to.

My older sister is like that.  Instead of doing what's best for the animal, she holds on and tries to sustain their life beyond what it should be.  She does it thinking she's caring for the animal and being humane towards it, but she's really doing the opposite.  She's making the animal suffer unnecessarily.

I won't let that happen.

Look, I've gotten nearly 18 years out of Kisa.  She's been through a lot with me.  I've chronicled a lot of it in the past and will do so again in the future, especially once she does die.  There are a lot of memories, a lot of stories.  She's been a great companion with me through a lot of ordeals.  I can't ask for much more.  The shame of it is it taking her til she was this old to get along with another cat like she does with Pook.

Granted, she did get along with one other cat in her time, but those moments were rare.  Usually she was very territorial with me.  Now she's just as likely to lay on Rachel, my mom, my sister, or Payton when she's asleep.

If the next couple of weeks are her last, well, then that's what's meant to be and I won't question it.  I'll reflect on a lot of the things with her, but I won't regret anything.  I won't be sitting there wondering if putting her down is the right choice.

Some won't understand the emotion behind a pet.  Some of you won't get it.  That's life.  A lot of you will though.  Whether it be a dog, cat, or whatever it is you own, a lot of you understand the bond that develops.

Funny thing with Kisa was I was so not a cat person when I got her.  I was and still am a dog person.  I liked cats, but I didn't have the same draw towards cats that I had towards dogs.  My previous pet before Kisa was a dog named Jax.  He used to pull me down when I was trying to put on my snowpants and drag me around the house.  When my mom and sister would go sled riding, he used to pull them up the hills.  He was a strong dog and he was a fun dog.

I wasn't old enough though to really grasp the responsibility needed to own a pet though.

Kisa was a definite surprise.  A little white ball of fluff hiding under my bed, which at the time was in the living room.  She wouldn't come out for anything, and thus began Kisa's long infamous antisocial bout.  For a long time, she didn't care for anyone that wasn't my mom, Teresa, or me.  Anyone else needed to back off and do so quickly.  Even with us, she had a short fuse.  If you so much as moved a centimeter while she was on you, she'd start growling.

It didn't take long for her to grow on me, which was the biggest surprise back then.  Pretty soon, she was running the neighborhood.  She chased all the strays away, killed all the rodents, and did her best to reduce the bird population.

Along the way, there have been a lot of adventures.  I'll try to share some of them over the next few weeks depending on how things go with the vet.  If things go well, forget it.  I'm saving those stories until she reaches her dying days then.

I have to sell the sentimentality of it all, right?

Here's a teaser in fact.

One story involves getting her out of a tree.  Another involves the fight that left her ear slit.  Another is how she'd lay on my mom's shoulder when my mom was trying to study for school.  There was the time my mom tried to give her a bath (that never happened again).

So while it doesn't bring me joy to think I might be remembering her soon, it was a great ride and I'll always remember her.

In the end, the memories will stay with me forever.

And that's what matters most.