Life Update 2023 Edition

It has been quite a while, hasn't it?

When I decided to update the appearance of this blog with the idea of occasionally posting again, I hadn't really noticed how long it had actually been since I last updated this. I knew it had been some time, but seeing 2019 as the last time I posted here was pretty eye-opening.

It isn't because I have had nothing to talk about. Quite the opposite really.

See, the idea of a blog was much more appealing several years back before I started really dabbling with YouTube and even livestreaming over on Twitch. I built-up a rather decent tech YouTube channel (that I've since abandoned for a few reasons, but would like to resume soon), started dabbling with gaming content again, and even streamed a bit on Twitch, reaching affiliate status several months ago.

The blog, as a result, fell to the wayside. Is this an actual attempt to bring it back? That's to be determined, but I felt like this was an opportune time to use it. I could put this all into video form if I want (and I still may), but I feel using YouTube would, uh, cheapen the message I'm trying to convey. It probably doesn't, but in my mind, that's what would happen.

I also want to preface this by saying that when I get into current events later on, you know, the main reason I'm actually posting this, I'm not doing so as a plea for help. I'm not asking for help in any capacity. I'm simply expressing the current situation for people who have likely been wondering what's truly going on behind the scenes, as I've been fairly vague about how potentially severe things could possibly get.

The reason I haven't fully detailed things is because it isn't entirely known what is going to happen and I don't like to worst-case-scenario things publicly. A large part of this is because I know there's always someone who has it worse than me, and most of my issues are very much first-world issues. This was reinforced today by seeing two different people with homeless signs near the shopping center by our apartment. It could ALWAYS be worse. Another part is my stubborn mentality that we'll find a way through whatever potentially comes our way.

I just want it to be clearly laid out the intentions behind this post. I know someone will inevitably claim it's a way to ask for help, but I'm not. I am incredibly stubborn in this matter as I don't like asking or receiving help. I was recently gifted a special edition Switch from a friend for helping with content creation that I was reluctant in my acceptance of. It's in my nature, so again, I'm not doing this to ask for help. I'm doing this for transparency for people who I know genuinely care (and to avoid repeatedly explaining the situation repeatedly).

Before that though, let's talk about some other stuff first. I don't post as much on social media as I used to. This is very apparent on Facebook, I site I keep simply because it allows me to keep tabs on long-time friends, classmates, and family. I only have about 90 friends or so on there, so it's a small list compared to some, and I'm okay with that. I maybe post once every 3-4 months, which I know disappoints some who want to see more of Kylie and such, but I'm quite deliberate in what I post where for a reason (which is going to feel awkward when it's pointed out that she's appeared in several streams and YouTube videos). I don't do much on Instagram or Snapchat either, mostly because I don't take a ton of pictures, and the ones I do almost inevitably have something in there I don't want being out in the public (personal info and such).

Even Twitter, I site that I used to post extensively on, has been used less and less of late. Some of this is because of Elon being an absolute snake and taking something that, while not great, was at least moderately functional, and turning it into an even bigger pit of despair than it already was. I absolutely hate what he's done with it and yet it's still the easiest way to find and convey information, although a vast amount of it is fake.

I'm not even going to delve into all the nonsense that the site has encouraged with conspiracy theories, but I'll say this much as a catch-all: I believe women should be able to choose what they do with their bodies and that abortion is healthcare, I believe LGBQTIA+ deserve better and we need stop trying legislate them out of existence just because you don't know what else to be scared of, stop trying to shove religion into schools (while simultaneously complaining about drag shows and trans rights being shoved in your face), stop demeaning teachers, stop trying to white-wash history because poor white people feel bullied, and so on. I could actually go on for a while, but I already feel my blood pressure starting to rise, so I'm going to stop.

Oh, and vaccines are good. Stop with this nonsense. Joe Rogan trying to debate AN ACTUAL FUCKING HEALTHCARE PROFESSIONAL SHOULD NOT BE A THING.

Anyway, I digress.

Hell, remember when I liked sports? Social media ruined that for me, first with fantasy sports, then later with every single anonymous account attacking players and coaches when something didn't work out, as if they could do better. Everyone is an expert on everything and nuance is dead (this also applies to real-world stuff as people take an all-or-nothing approach to EVERYTHING).

So I lay back and watch things unfold. I pay attention to how people react and then take note if they backtrack or hold firm. I see a lot of tweets, but rarely interact anymore unless it's someone I deem a close friend, and even then, I miss half of them because Twitter has been such a shit-show when it comes to the technical side. I've found myself disappointed, but rarely surprised when I find out someone has been secretly a piece of shit human and it slips out for all to see.

More than anything, I'm tired of the bullying. I'm tired of people telling other people how to live, or how wrong they're doing things. I'm tired of the name-calling when people don't agree on something, and I'm tired of people just being shitty in general just because they don't agree. I don't care if you're conservative or not, but I will decide to remove you from my life if I find you constantly posting antagonizing shit because you think it's funny. I'm not going to try and change you or convince you that you're wrong, but frankly, it's not likely to change things and I'M FUCKING TIRED.

What have I been up to though? Well, about two years ago, I was getting really into Destiny 2, but was tired of doing a bunch of things solo because I didn't have a lot of friends playing the game, and the ones that did were somewhat inconsistent. So in August of 2021, I began searching Twitch in the hopes of finding a community that showed some promise and give me more opportunities to do things like raids, dungeons, and Grandmaster Nightfalls. The first few channels I checked didn't cut it, but then I bounced into Alltimebrianna's stream, and was immediately struck by how engaging she was with her chat, as well as how engaging chat was too. It felt it held potential, so I joined the discord and started watching as many streams as I could.

At first, things didn't really change much, and that was okay. I was still working on figuring out the vibe and where I could fit in with the community. I did get a chance to do both a Pit of Heresy dungeon run with B and another member of her community, Mainpayne, and that experience was solid. I later then got to do Shattered Throne with her and FliptheGiant, and that's going to be important later. Beyond that, I didn't participate a ton, but was always there.

Fast forward a few months, around January 2022, and things started to change. I was invited to do a couple of raids that I hadn't done before, and the vibe was good enough that Flip later would message me about possibly doing my first GM. This is when I officially started running things with what would become known as the Trifecta of Chaos (myself, Flip, and FollowMeImFaded). We vibed immediately and things were never the same for me in this game.

I began getting pulled into more stream-related activities, at first because Flip would bring me along, but later because B would directly ask me. I incorporated myself into what would become a very tight-knit group of people within the community as time went on, and it was still just the beginning.

I'm not going to spend a lot of time gushing about it, but I think this community is one of the best in all of gaming, if not THE best. Sure, it's easy to say that as I get the privilege of spending a lot of time with these goobers on a daily basis, but it is easily one of the best things that's EVER happened to me in gaming, and aside from a few things, in life. I truly can call some of these people some of my best friends now, and I look forward to meeting them all at GCX in August 2023 (right before my two year anniversary conveniently enough).

I'm also privileged enough to be B's video editor for her YouTube channel, something that I need to spend more time focusing on, but as you might have gathered, time isn't always on my side. But it's an opportunity I'm blessed to have been given and I enjoy creating new videos for her channel and I'm excited to see us push forwards towards potential YouTube partnership, as well as partner on Twitch.

This does mean I've put significantly less time towards my own content creation, which I want to be clear I am NOT complaining about. If I had to choose, I'd rather help someone else create content all day and night. The idea of being a full-time video editor is intriguing, but is far too much of a risk right now for me to seriously consider. But if that chance did arise, I'd jump at it. As it stands, I just need to devote a few hours a week to her content and we'd be good. I just have to do it.

Of course, I still have a kid to focus on, and Kylie is a continued source of joy for me. She's now 10 and seeing this awkward mess of limbs pursue karate has been one of the most interesting things I've watched happen. She genuinely loves it though, and it's the one thing aside from video games that seems to have stuck with her. The other major development with her is a rising enjoyment of rollercoasters. She's terrified of heights, yet despite that, has ridden most of the coasters at Cedar Point now. She recently conquered Rougarou and expressed it to be one of her new favorites along with Gatekeeper and the new Wildmouse ride that opened.

The best part? She's now keeping her eyes open going down the first hill, which is a MASSIVE development. She previously would keep them closed until after the first hill, which is when she'd open them. But with this last trip, she kept them open for the entire time on all of the coasters we rode. Proud doesn't begin to sum up how I feel about this kid and I hope she continues to try and do big things, despite growing up in a world that's again becoming increasingly hostile towards women.

As an aside, with the recent news that some parents/grandparents have decided to determine that women with short hair are actually trans men and try and get them inspected at events, I ABSOLUTELY FUCKING DARE ANY OF YOU ASSHOLES TO SAY SOMETHING ABOUT HER. Kylie has had shaved sides and shorter hair on top for years now and I dare any of you inconsiderate transphobic assholes to say something. You WILL regret it. I would die for that kid and that's all you need to know the lengths I'd go to defend her.

She also does know karate, so I would absolutely let her unleash her fury upon you and maybe even hold you down. Keep that in mind. Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

Now, for the difficult stuff.

First, some backstory. When we moved in 10 years ago, we came with two dogs and two cats. This was not a problem and at the time, the cats didn't have to be registered, but the dogs did. They were both registered and compliant with the lease requirements as far as we knew. Granted, 10 years is a long time and it's highly likely that the requirements have changed, but we've never been presented with any indication of that.

As an aside for anyone unfamiliar with my living situation, I share this apartment with Kylie's mom, who is my ex. We get along great as friends and coparent like champs, and it's allowed me to stay close to Kylie for her entire life. As it stands, she is the primary resident on the lease, which is important for later on.

It has not been a pleasant last few weeks however. The apartment complex management has suddenly become a bit more hostile towards its residents and we've come into their focus of late. We recently had a notice on our door, conveniently placed at 3pm on a Friday, indicating it had been brought to management's attention that our apartment wasn't up to their standards and they'd be performing an inspection the following Monday. This left virtually no indication of what the actual problem was, and left us with very little time to prepare. That said, we did what we could and left it up to fate.

They didn't actually get in until Wednesday when no one was home, and we didn't get the results until Friday (a week after the initial notice). This is when we were hit with a bit of a sucker punch. The letter claimed we were in violation of the lease in that we were only allowed to have one dog and if we didn't remove the unauthorized animals immediately, we'd be evicted. Again, this notice was placed late in the day on Friday. It also made note of a "pungent pet odor," which was interesting given we had deep cleaned the carpet in particular, but it was clear they were focused on the number of animals (they noted two dogs and a cat).

Now, Kylie's mom has some pretty severe anxiety, which means she prefers to communicate through email when possible, and her anxiety was through the roof in this situation. We noticed that the "copy" of the lease they presented was just the final page that she signs, and there was no indication there of how many animals were permitted. This was noted in her email to the management. She also asked when the pet policy changed as when we moved in, this wasn't an issue and we moved here specifically because they allowed two dogs and didn't care about the cats.

They have not responded as far as I know, and as of this post, it's been two weeks since they threatened eviction. At this point, we're entirely anticipating it could happen, which has meant formulating plans in case it does. The dogs are the biggest issue in those situation, as most places that rent will only allow one at max, but it does seem like there's at least one option. The less-desirable one, and the one that would be hardest to achieve because of how things are for me right now financially, is me getting a place of my own and taking at least the one dog with me.

Financially, this is a challenge. My credit isn't good because of high credit utilization on my cards (largely due to kidney stone issues I had a couple of years back), which I've been unable to drag down. Combine that with some other stuff that I will not get into too much detail with (car payment and such), it's been a battle. There is a light at the end of the tunnel as I'll be done with one thing I've been paying on in November, which would free up some money, and my car lease being up in February could possibly alleviate some issues, but for the short-term, I don't have a lot of wiggle room. I do have inheritance money from my grandfather coming, but that's on hold as my uncle put my dad's middle initial on the check and the bank wouldn't accept it. I sent it back to him and am awaiting a corrected check.

There are other possible options of course, which I will not lay out here, but the hope was to manage until November and get a little breathing room there. I'm still hoping for that, but the stark reality here is even if they don't actually evict us, it's very unlikely they offer a lease renewal, which would still mean attempting to find a place by November regardless.

Yes, it's stressful, but thankfully, my child and my friends have helped make this far more bearable. Kylie is a natural stress reliever in she's just a good kid, and my friends have offered me a respite from the stress by providing a ton of laughter. In the end, what happens is what happens. I can only control so much, and I recognize that. What I can do is occasionally stream more, as I did just receive a payout from Twitch that caught me by surprise (thanks to those who stayed subbed even though I haven't streamed in over four months). I could put some effort into either YouTube channel and see what happens there.

But for now? I'm going to try and focus down one credit card and try and get that under control. Medical expenses from my kidney stone ordeals did the damage there, but I was also lax in getting it back under control when I had the chance to.

As with life in general, I take things one step at a time and adjust to whatever it throws at me (and us). Again, this isn't for a pity party, but rather just to provide some context and info for anyone wondering why some days I just might not be myself, or even around at all. I know there are people who care and I don't want them to be left wondering what the hell is happening.

Also, this is way longer than I anticipated, but here we are.

It's been quite a while since my last post, and while I can't promise I'll regular post here, I just may start using it again. We shall see.

Has it really been this long?

Hi again.

It's been a long time, hasn't it?

I do believe aside from YouTube spam, it's been nearly 10 months since I last wrote in here.

Some of it is a continuing lack of time. I only have so much time once Kylie goes to sleep to work on anything, and typically I either want to play a game, work on something with my channels, contribute to a tech site, write something, or just look up various things.

More often than not though, by the time Kylie is asleep around 10:30 or 11pm, I'm exhausted. I don't have the energy to do anything too strenuous and I'm creatively tapped out. Then I end up having trouble sleeping, or Kylie wakes up a few times, or the cats run me over, etc, etc.

Really though, it just comes down to not getting enough sleep consistently, working a different schedule at work, and a rambunctious child that isn't always so willing to go to bed, plus the fact that I'm still sharing an apartment with my ex and her oldest. There's always something to clean-up, something to take care, and that takes a toll as well.

That's not what I want to write about though.

See, recently my sister messaged me through Facebook and told me someone I used to know way back when had tried to reach her two years ago looking for me. I got curious and went into messenger and discovered I had 3 different message requests, all from at least two years ago, that I had NEVER seen. I had no idea because at the time, my privacy settings were much more strict than they are now. Facebook just didn't notify me and I had never noticed.

Two were from ex girlfriends that I hadn't spoken to in a long while. The third though was from a girl I had talked to many, many years ago. Hell, I'm not even sure what social media site it was to be honest (I have a guess in my head, but cannot confirm), but it pre-dated Facebook, Twitter, and even Myspace. I remembered chatting with her, but what we talked about escapes me. What I'll never forget is how uniquely her name is spelled. It's really hard to forget a name when it isn't spelled like you'd expect.

What she remembered was enjoying my writing, which makes sense. Years ago, I often bounced from site to site depending on where I could write. I know I used to occasionally write short stories, but much like even now, a lot of my writing was what was going on, things that agitated me, and a whole lot of woe-is-me type of nonsense that I try to avoid these days.

What struck me is how much effort this woman made to try and track me down two years ago. She tried to add me on Facebook (which was impossible at the time), and when that didn't work, she found my sister and tried to reach out to her. Of course, my sister didn't get it until this week, but once she did she let me know, I checked mine, and reached out to this woman.

Much to my surprise, she was excited that I messaged her, which in hindsight really shouldn't have surprised me. One of the things that I remember about her was she was one of the few genuinely nice people that I encountered in social media's infant stage, which is when we originally talked. While there are often still concerns about whether someone's who they say they are, back then it was even harder to pin down whether someone was legitimate or not. This woman seemed too good to be true, but she was always up for a chat.

It's also a reminder that distance isn't what determines friendships. She lives in a different state from me and has experienced some things of her own in the time we haven't talked, but I think that's only going to give us more to talk about in the coming days and months and I'm interested to see what her life has been like and see where it goes.

It kind of ties into what I had for a blog idea earlier about how many early "social media" sites were really just sites that were all about rating one another and so on. I remember a few that existed, "SWYDM (aka So Would You Do Me), "Hot or Not," and the shamelessly titled "RateMyBody," which was EXACTLY how you think it would be like.

Yet SWYDM in particular had a good run where I talked with people and had a lot of fun, even if at its core it was a relatively shallow site. The people I met though made it more than what it was originally meant to be.

Like a lot of things on the internet though, the site evolved and changed, and as it did, it became less appealing for me to hang around on. It eventually changed its name and I eventually stopped going there. I want to say it was after that   when I migrated to Myspace, where I spent a good portion of my time before it became such a waste and Facebook rose to prominence.

Life moved on, things changed, people came and went, and here I am, in December of 2016, still living with my ex, her oldest, and of course little Miss Kylie Brooke.

There's been a small influx of familiar faces of late though; people I used to know years ago finding me on Facebook and chatting it up on occasion. It's been nice to reconnect with some and remember why they were fun.

*Intermission*

I'm currently typing this blog post on my new keyboard, a Logitech G910 (the unboxing is one of the previous posts from this), which is part of why I'm anxious to write more in the future. Typing things up on a laptop keyboard is not fun and this keyboard is a HUGE improvement.

I also want to mention if you like old-school video game type of music (which I just found out is called Chiptune music), an artist by the name of tiasu is incredible. His stuff is on Spotify and if you want to buy individual albums, you can find him on Bandcamp. It's catchy, it's diverse, and I'm digging it so far.

*End Intermission*

I can't promise I'll be posting a lot in the immediate future, much like my YouTube and Twitch channels have been suffering. I do believe things will pick up once my living situation is different and in terms of games, I definitely think things will improve when I finally can put together a beast of a PC and upgrade the rest of my equipment as well.

I just know that there are some out there who really enjoy when I write and it's something I should really be making a better effort at when I have 20 minutes to sit down.

I do have my annual letter to Santa to compose, plus I do occasionally have ideas pop in my head. The key is to remember my Note allows me to write on the screen with the stylus even when the screen is off, which is a great way to jot down ideas.

I also want to record a vlog at least bi-weekly, but that's dependent on things happening in my life worth recording and talking about. They are fun to put together though, so I should try to do more, especially when I have such a fantastically awful story about Walmart and shoes for Kylie to relay.

I'm going to attempt to record that this weekend, but we'll see.

It is the holiday season though, so for the love of all things great, please be nice to each other. I know a lot of us are still trying to wrap our heads around Donald Trump being elected President, but it doesn't make it okay to act like pieces of crap towards each other. Show some love, be kind, and remember that person you're disgusted with is an actual human being and you really aren't any better than them.

I'll catch you guys later.

Maybe.

Life Changes

It's really hard to maintain a lot of different hobbies as you get older.

Sure, when you're young, you have time to write a blog, post videos to YouTube, go out with friends, play sports, play video games, and sleep in until 2pm when you have no school/work.

Then you get older and life starts to feel like it's compressing on you. Responsibilities grow as you do. Your body, which used to be able to function just fine on 4 hours of sleep, now needs twice that to function. Those days of getting hammered and then being productive the next day? The dwindle, as does the amount of alcohol you can consume before it leaves you immobile the next day.

This is without a loved one and/or family. Now throw the additional responsibilities of having a family to maintain into the fray.

It becomes a bit much.

But it's so rewarding. So much more so than the nights of partying and friends who turn on you the moment you aren't "available" to be their taxi service anymore.

Now, I'm not saying I know anyone who's like that, because I don't. My friends have been relatively accepting of the fact that I've moved further away and don't go out really anymore. Life is full of changes and many of them have experienced their own that have completely reshaped who they are.

No, what I'm saying is as you get older, the things that are important to you change. Going out, getting hammered, and living care-free become less and less important. Getting to work on time, making sure your bills are paid, and doing honest work become much more important.

I can honestly sit here and tell you that sitting down with my almost 2 year-old little girl and playing is FAR more entertaining then getting drunk. It's far more fun than just about anything that you could possibly do. It's highly rewarding, and seeing her laugh and smile is one of the greatest gifts this life can give me.

Now, I still enjoy my video games, my sports, and taking time to relax, but quite frankly, life isn't really trying to allow me to relax. The responsibilities I have now are far greater than when I was 24. I have an apartment to pay for, utilities to take care of, people to feed, animals to take care of, and any other number of things that require my attention.

I have maybe a couple hours a day after the kids go to bed to just decompress, and that's if there's nothing else that NEEDS to be done.

But there's always something that needs to be done.

Kids really do change things in life though. You no longer can just get up and go somewhere just because you want to. You have to have someone who can watch your child, or that child is going with you. You can't just go out, get obliterated, and pass out. No, you have a child to take care of now. Life dictates that you be able to function in case something happens.

And something will happen.

Kids are mobile accidents just waiting to happen. They trip over things, they fall over nothing, they run into anything that's in their zig-zagging path. They are the equivalent of an adult who's drunk. Until they get older, you don't know what in the hell they're saying to you, and that's without them crying like crazy over some random thing that you have to figure out.

They need constant attention, and if you don't pay attention to them by choice, eventually at some point they'll give you a reason to pay attention.

They cry, they poop, they eat random things they find, and they find the most random things funny.

I love it.

I've always had kids of some sort around me from the moment my sister began popping them out several years ago, to a couple of different relationships where the woman had kids. Even this one I'm in now, I was introduced to a child just under 2 at the time who's now 5 and has the mouth of a 15 year-old (in other words, not good!).

But when it's your own actual kid?

It's different, even if you don't mean for it to be. This is something you helped create, something that is drawing inspiration from you and has many of your traits. For better and worse, it's going to take after you.

And Kylie sure does.

She's small, she's feisty, she eats everything in sight, and she runs like she was shot out of a cannon. She can drive me crazy, much like her sister, but when she needs me, also like her sister, it's the most rewarding feeling to know that they are turning to you to make them feel better.

Kylie and her sister have consumed many, many hours of my life over the last couple of years. It has drained me at times to the point that I've almost severely neglected my YouTube Channel. I haven't played basketball in months.

But I've had the time of my life.

I'm writing this because I love writing and hate that I don't have the time I'd like. By the time the kids go to bed at around 9pm, I have to decide if I'm going to play a game, work on other computer stuff, clean up some part of the apartment, or veg out and watch tv or a movie.

Often, writing isn't even on my mind.

Quite frankly, I could see my writing transitioning into Vlogs in the future, as I do enjoy doing those, but still have to find my comfort with chatting to myself about things that are on my mind.  I enjoy the aspect of recording myself either playing video games or myself alone talking about random things and putting them up for people to watch.  It's an oddly satisfying experience that I don't think I'd ever completely give up, but it's not something that I feel driven to do everyday.

I simply don't have the energy to. Nor do I have the time to go through the process of editing a ton of footage. It's why I tell people who don't have spouses or kids to make the most of their time however they see fit. That free time slowly disappears until you realize you have very little.

Again, I'm not complaining. I wouldn't trade the way things are for anything. It's more of an explanation as to why I don't write much and what happens to the average person as they get older.

Enjoy the time, but more importantly, enjoy the things that matter most to you, no matter what those things may be.

A mini update

It's been 11 days so I figured it was time to give a mini update on the Warrior Dash.

First and foremost, thanks to anyone who's donated.  Granted, all of the donations have been from coworkers at this point, but even so, the total so far is $205, which isn't too shabby.  $45 and I'll reach the second achievement level.  Just $795 from my overall goal with just under two weeks remaining.

Is it a little disappointing that no one from my Facebook (aside from coworkers) has donated?  Meh, I suppose, but I realize that most don't have money to throw around.  I'm hoping to get a few more donations by the time I race, but whatever I end up with is still going to be more than I would've donated myself, so it's already a victory as far as I'm concerned.

Tonight is another fitness class, which is so far helping me become more fit.  The idea is that in the next two weeks I can add a little endurance and make finishing the dash that much easier.  I figure the more I get a workout in, the better this experience will go.  It's helped that Rachel's been pushing me to keep up with things as well.

In any case, I'm less than two weeks away from running and still looking for donations.  I've been resisting mimicing a certain pop song when trying to persuade people to donate, but I may not have a choice but to unleash it upon the world.

Stay tuned for further updates and if you'd like to donate, please do so by going here.

Do it!