It's interesting to me what the mind can do to you at times. Life can be humming along, everything going as you hoped, and that's when your brain can serve you up a mighty dose of self-doubt.
For as positive as I try to keep myself, for as much as I try to not get too high or low with the day to day, there are still plenty of moments where I question what I'm doing, who I am, and where I'm going.
Even as I sit here contemplating how the idea of helping a very good friend out in a very difficult time, the doubts are there. Will what I do be enough? Is this going to create unrealistic expectations? Do people think highly of me, or even at all?
It's wild and unpredictable and unfortunate.
I can sit here and say that I'm content with not dating anyone and I'm not worried about it and it would be mostly true. I'm not thinking too much about it, but I more and more find myself guilty of wanting that feeling of being wanted back, that feeling of mattering to someone.
Yes, Kylie fulfills a lot of the love in my life as she always will, but let's not pretend that replaces the feeling of being with someone who cares about you, who wants you around, who you can physically embrace and whatnot, and make you feel a certain way.
Now to be clear, this kind of thought does not dominate my mind. I don't think much about it because dating is virtually impossible right now for so many reasons that I just can't get into because it puts me right back in that negative frame of mind. Sure, it's possible there's someone who can overlook what's going on right now and want to be part of my life, but that's unrealistic and I can't expect that from anyone.
In a way, this feeling has probably been long-overdue and is the unintended consequence of receiving the first compliment I've received from someone in a long, long time. I've never been one to receive them, so I always looked into them too much in the past and made the compliment bigger than it was intended.
I've tried very hard to not do that this time around with the idea that sometimes people just say nice things to each other without any hidden meaning behind it. I've tried to simplify it because I tend to make things more complicated than they are when it comes to the opposite sex.
I've taken the compliment for what it was; a nice thing said to me by a very nice woman who is fast becoming someone I consider a pretty good friend. But it unintentionally gets my brain going (which is no fault of the person who complimented me AT ALL) and starts the wheels turning.
Could someone overlook the way my life is? Could someone overlook the things I find unappealing about my self? Is there someone who'd look at my situation, understand it, be patient with it, and want to try and make something work?
I'm sure there is. There are far, far, FAR more people who wouldn't though, and with good reason. Who wants to be with someone who lives with his ex, has a child, is clearly not in prime physical condition, and can't even go to the gym without his child freaking out?
Sure, I could explain that there's a bigger goal at hand, something more than what you see now. I could explain that the sacrifices being made now are for a greater purpose, something more meaningful to me. And maybe that person would understand. Maybe they'd get it and think this is something worth coming along for the ride for.
But more likely the answer I'd get (and what I have typically received in limited opportunities) is talk to me when you've moved out and so on.
And I can't blame them for that. I can't possibly expect someone to deal with my life the way it is now, no matter how much they might like me.
So I try to keep that thought out of my mind, carry on with the tasks at hand and try and keep the ship steering in the right direction. Major things I've needed to happen have happened thus far, which means I'm that much closer to getting where I want to be at.
Even then, I'm probably still at least a year from getting there, which is insanely too long of a time to expect someone to just accept how things are.
Still, it would be nice. There's no lie there. I do think about how nice it would be to have someone to go on a date with occasionally, send dumb texts to, and hug and stuff. There is definitely a void that I feel from time to time.
It speaks to human nature though as well. Even the most stringent personalities are prone to thoughts of being lonely and many have overwhelming thoughts of loneliness. It can strike at any point and for some, it's crippling. I'm very grateful for the fact that I can pretty much shove it to the side most of the time and not let it consume me, because it definitely consumes many people.
I fall back on the thought that if someone wants to date me, it'll happen when it's supposed to, and if it doesn't, well, I feel confident that I'll be fine in the long run. I have Kylie, which actually makes it far easier to contend with lonely thoughts than in years past when it absolutely ate me alive.
I worried way too much about dating in my younger years. I can go back as far as high school with my memories and thoughts of missed opportunities, but going back to that point isn't going to change anything. Things didn't happen for a reason and life has sent me on the path that it has for a reason.
For the time being, all I can do is continue to do what I can to improve my life, keep on track with setting up what I'm trying to do, get my ass back in shape, be a good friend, and see where the road takes me.
I will focus on being the best friend that I can be to the people that matter most to me, be the best dad to Kylie I can be, and if someone decides they want to take a chance and join me on this ride, well, there is a seat available.
Or my lap if they'd prefer.
That's all for now. Who knows when I'll write again because who knows when inspiration will strike.
Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and all that jazz.
And no, there will be no wish list this year. Mind is on more important things.
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