Christmas in 2016

Hey gang,

First off, apologies for the lack of content in this blog this year. Time has very rarely been on my side and at times I probably tried to take on too many projects.

As a result, most of the things I tried to get involved with never really got going and here we are at the end of December and I have yet to accomplish a whole lot.

Well, that's not really true.

I've raised my credit scores (per Credit Karma and Capital One's CreditWise) from 550 to nearly 640. My FICO, while pretty low, is at 587 and slowly climbing. I recently was approved for a second credit card that isn't going to be for use, but rather to keep my available credit at a respectable level.

So while the quest for a house remains very much in doubt, the process is going how I would like it. The hope is that I'll be in position to get a house sooner than later, but that requires a little more work with my credit and getting a few other things lined up.

It's Christmas time again though, which means that the fine tradition of coming up with a list is alive and well, even if I'm running out of gag ideas.

In years past, I've asked for a Battleship, a space ship, world peace and domination, and various other silly things mixed with actual things I want. The idea was to see how people reacted to these lists and take a few shots at Santa and his underwhelming elves.

While I still take issue with Santa and his operation, I've come to accept that this is simply how it's going to be, much like how the 2016 Presidential Election went.

The results, while far from ideal, are what they are. No amount of yelling, hand wringing, or legislation will change that.

I think it's become very clear the whole naughty and nice thing is a sham. It appears to be more of who can suck up to Santa the most at the right time, which means kids who've been blatantly awful most of the year can make up for it with the right timing. Meanwhile, some kid can have one bad day in December and all the good can be flushed down the toilet.

And don't get me started on the watching you while you're sleeping stuff. We are getting into some stalker-grade issues here and Santa has clearly been getting away with it for a long time just because he's allegedly jolly. We can't keep going around harping about big brother and the government, yet Santa gets to watch little kids in their sleep.

So Santa, my challenge to you is to make your system a little more fair. Give equal weight to that rocket incident in November and treat it the same like the noodle incident in December. Tighten the operation up and spread the wealth a little bit. I saw the pictures where the tree could barely be seen because there were so many presents. I expect great things this Christmas.

Don't disappoint.

As always, many of the items on this list are legit, but some aren't. Most are highly unrealistic and NO ONE is expected to assist me in any way shape or form.

2016 Christmas Wish List!

• A high-powered gaming PC featuring Intel's i7-6950x CPU and a Nvidia Titan X GPU - Those along run around $1-2k a piece, but you can make this Christmas the best by providing just those pieces.
• An Xbox One S, Playstation 4 (don't care for the pro), and a Wii U - I know, the Wii U is discontinued, but I want The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess HD.
• Jeep Grand Cherokee - This would solve some of my winter driving issues.
• DJI Drone - Have you seen these things? The 4K video alone is worth the idea, never mind the possibility of having someone shoot it out of the sky just because you happen to come to close to sketchy areas.
• Donald Trump NOT be the President - I don't think I should have to explain this very much. The guy is terrifying and it's getting worse the closer we get to his term starting.
• The winning Powerball ticket - Even if it's only $40 million, there's a lot I could do with that money. Some people close to me would benefit greatly from it. Plus who doesn't want a full-length NBA court sitting in the backyard of their brand new house?
• Minions from "Despicable Me" - these guys, man they just sound so funny and look so squishy and you can do whatever you want to them.
• 2 extra hours per day - I know I don't have enough time in the day, that's for sure.
• Lifetime entry to Cedar Point - I'd be there every weekend. Oh, and it would be cool if I could bring a guest. For free. And eat for free. And a free locker.
• Season tickets to the Cleveland teams - yes, even the Browns. Could I go to every game? No, but you bet your ass I'll be at most of them.
• The ability to decide who lives and who dies - This could be abused, but I swear I'd only kill the ones who deserve it.
• A camera capable of shooting 4K video for future vlogs/video ideas. Most that I've seen run about $1k. So yeah, not in my budget.
• My teeth to not be all jacked up - Yeah yeah, I know, go to the dentist. I know.
• A place of my own and someone to occasionally come over and hang not named Kylie. You know, just something real chill.
• An Autonomous Smart Desk 2 - This is a sit to stand type of desk and I'm particularly interested in getting an extra long one for future video presentations. Plus it would make a pretty kick-ass computer desk.
• A new, comfortable chair - Not necessarily one of these "gaming" chairs because those are stupidly overpriced, but just something that's comfortable and better for my back.
• People to stop being such jerks to each other - This could be a blog post all on its own. As a society, we are so damn worried about what other people are doing and trying to make it a problem that it's disgusting. It goes beyond gay marriage and race, but those are central issues. Simply put, I'll never understand how gay marriage is a threat to the sanctity of marriage when straight marriages were already failing at a spectacular rate. Who cares? Stop worrying if a gay couple gets married and fix your own damn marriage instead.
• Better understanding of mental health - I was going to mention gun control, but I'm conflicted when it comes to guns. Simply put, mental health is still widely misunderstood and people who often need the help most get shoved aside and ignored. We need to get better people.
• My mom's health to improve - this one scares me a bit, more than I'm willing to talk about.
• The best for my friends, family, and everyone else - Seriously, let's all be better to each other. Be there for each other.

I think that's all for now. Not the best, not the zaniest, but I'm getting too old for that shit. It's time to be practical.

I can always ask for an aircraft carrier next year anyway.

In all seriousness, I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday and things work out for you in all aspects of life. I've seen far too many people have some issues pop up and you all deserve the best.

Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, and I'll see you guys around.

Maybe.

My Christmas Wishlist 2015 edition

In years past, I've written a "Christmas Wishlist" that was a combination of ridiculous ideas and actual things I want. That tradition resumes this year with some new ideas and some rehashed ones because my level of creativity just isn't good enough to come up with all-new ideas. Anyway, don't take it too seriously and just enjoy!

Dear Santa,

I took a couple of years off of writing you a list, and for that, I apologize. Life came at me pretty fast after my 2011 list and I just wasn't focused on sending these out, especially since there's always been a child living with me since. I figured I'd take a step back and let the kids' dreams come true.

Sadly, I can't say that you've stepped up your level of service since I last wrote you. I mean, I've come to expect shoddy service from you and your elves (granted, you are serving a LARGE portion of the population), but I feel you didn't appreciate the effort I did occasionally put into writing those letters.

Not only did you not throw me a bone the last 3 years that I skipped writing you, but you likely continued crushing the dreams of others who just wanted you to deliver them the things they wanted most. I mean, I give you a 3 year break and not once do I get a fighter jet, tank, or pony? No XBox One?

Worst of all, no world peace and domination?

I've often taken issue with your lackluster production levels and generally unhelpful elves, yet despite previous public shaming, I have yet to see any significant changes to your operation and how you handle complaints. If anything, I wonder if the problem has become worse with time. I mean, I haven't brought this to the attention of the public in a few years, so maybe you think it's blown over and not a issue.

You're wrong there Santa. Not only is it still an issue, but I'm about to take it to a new level if the list requirements aren't met. We're in the information sharing age and all I have to do is broadcast my complaints on social media and YouTube for people to find out. Think you're safe? Think again.

Simply put, I've seen enough examples of how poorly you've done to be convinced that change is needed. Switching out your sled for a Mercedes? Are we for real Santa?

Or how about the documentary "Elf," where we saw just how far your elves will go to "handle" a situation? 

And don't get me on the series of "Santa Claus" movies where you faked your death to convince Tim Allen to take over for a while.

The gig is up Santa, so just pony up the goods and all of this controversy will go away.

Now then, presenting in no particular order, my list for Christmas 2015:

A catapult: Because nothing says fun like being able to load something on to a catapult and fling it in some random direction. Think of the fun that I can have with one of these? Someone's bike is in the middle of the sidewalk? Load the catapult and see how far it flies!

A Yacht: I've asked for large things before, but I don't think I've ever asked for a yacht, preferably one that I could just live in.

A house: A little more practical, but not nearly as adventurous. Wait, I have a kid, so throw in some stuff for her to play on and keep her busy. A dog run would be nice too. Oh, and a full-size basketball court. Oh, oh oh! A gaming room so I can record/stream/play games in complete peace!

A new PC: But not just any PC, we're talking overpowered gaming PC capable of running any and every game at UHD while streaming and/or recording. Would include all accessories I need to upgrade my gaming, streaming, and recording experience. Optional streaming PC would be nice as well.

A Man Cave: This would be for said house. Would come complete with couch, chair, minimun 60" UHD TV, XBox One (and games), PS4 (and games), and Wii U (and more games). Oh, and blu-ray player with surround sound sytem, because we're all about big here.

Jeep Cherokee: I want. Or a Wrangler. Or just my Liberty paid off would be helpful.

Spinnyos: For Kylie (because she matters too) because I think she'd have a blast with that thing.

The Clapper: No real good reason really.

World Peace & Domination: This will be on the list every year until it's granted.

A Mech Suit: Have you seen these in video games? They shoot rockets, bullets, and can take a shit ton of damage. I could use this during the holiday sales.

A bike: I've been wanting a bike again for a couple of years for fitness purposes and just frankly miss riding it.

The Entire MST3K Collection: The revival of the show has rekindled my interest in the show, which is still one of the best to ever grace a TV.

Galaxy Note 5 or S6 Edge: I've grown quite fond of the Galaxy lineup. I'd prefer the Note (or Note Edge 2 when it comes out), but beggars can't be choosers.

Shark tank: Filled with sharks of course. Nothing will keep your guests in line like the knowledge that if they mess up your carpet, they could be the next meal.

Winning Powerball/Mega Millions ticket: I mean, I could do wonderful things with all that money. Some of it would be a bit excessive, but I could do so much and help so many people out. Think about it.

A tank: An oldie, but goody. I mean, terrifying for everyone else.

A pony: I may have to fend of Kylie for this one, but I still want one dammit.

An RV: Just think of the dysfunctional adventures I could go on if I had my own RV?

Season tickets to Indians/Cavs/Browns: Sure the Browns have been putrid, but I still love them. The Indians have been so-so, but there's no experience like the ballpark in the summer. The Cavs are just awesome to watch and basketball is my favorite sport.

Tickets to an OSU Buckeyes football game: I just want to experience this one time and I'll be satisfied.

A Pitbull Farm: Raised properly, these are the best dogs ever. I of course would love to have a farm of them. Pitbulls everywhere!

New teeth: Mine are simply bad and the one thing physically I'm ashamed of. Kinda. 

Fire pit: Again for previously mentioned house. I just like the idea of sitting outside in the summer with a nice fire going.

Trampoline: More fun for me or for Kylie?

A bounce house: More for kids than me, but I'd still play.

A Tropical Island: I asked for this back in 2011. You have yet to deliver. Consider yourself put on notice.

Lifetime supply of Chipotle: E. Coli or not, that shit is like crack. I don't know if I can turn away from it anymore.

Improved Health for my mom: Hasn't she suffered enough? She did so much for us, yet her reward is increasingly failing health.

My own Batcave: Because seriously, how cool would that be?

I'm sure there are more things I could ask for, and if I think of them, I'll amend this and add them in, but for now, this should do.

Don't let me down or else I'll have to take action against you and your deliquent elves.

Yours in warnings, 

David.

In all seriousness, I hope everyone has a great holiday season. If you celebrate it, Merry Christmas! If you don't, well, happy whatever-it-is-you-celebrate because it matters. It really does.

I think we tend to lose sight of what matters this time of year, but I'm keenly aware of it as I've been reminded frequently at home and at work of what's really important. Sure, it's nice to receive gifts, but it's far more important to have people you can count on to be there when you need them.

So have fun, be safe, and hope things roll your way.

Now I'm gonna go buy $20 in lottery tickets so I can fulfill several dreams, not all my own.

PS - Feel free to comment with what you want for Christmas!

christmas list 2011

Before I get into my yearly Christmas list, let me start by putting in my two cents worth on the NBA, the Browns, and the Indians.

First, I'll be the first to admit that there is a chance I will watch some NBA games this year.  Will I be following as closely as I have in the past?  No.  I will keep up with what's going on with the Cavs, but I will not be glued to the tv.  For one, I'm tired of the NBA.  I'm tired of the players controlling the league the way they have the last several years and tired of superstars "demanding" trades because they want to play under brighter lights.

I will also sit and say that I'm glad that Dan Gilbert owns the Cavs.  Sure, he comes across as whiny, but given what his franchise has endured, I'll take a passionate owner who wants things to get better for small market teams than an owner who virtually disappears.

As for those who "demand" the Indians be more active in free agency this winter, have you seen the list of free agents?  It's not exactly causing teams to stumble over themselves for a majority of the players.  Sure, Prince Fielder is still out there, but anyone who thinks the Indians are going to tie up their payroll on Fielder is out of their mind.  The Indians aren't going to make a big splash in free agency, mostly because it seems like 76% of the players are represented by Scott Boras, who has made it clear he only "allows" his clients to sign with larger markets for insane contracts.  In short, when Boras is involved, all the teams except for the Dodgers, Red Sox, Yankees, and Mets are pretty eliminated from the get-go unless another team grossly overpays for his player.

The Indians are always going to be a team that has to get it absolutely 100% right and have everything break their way to make the playoffs.  So everyone who wants to complain about the lack of activity, blame it on the lack of quality free agents and a market that eliminates teams like the Indians before they even can make an offer.

Finally, and maybe I'll make all of these "wants" for my Christmas list, I'm tired of the media and Browns "fans" crying.  If you don't like Colt McCoy, great.  But you can't tell me he's been given a fair situation.  All year he's run for his life, had no running game, and when he is accurate, his receivers drop the ball.  So yes, he does have room to improve, but he could also use better blocking, better running backs, and receivers who hold on to the ball.  He hasn't had that much of the year so I don't think it's fair to throw him out because you don't like him, which is what it seems to come down to.

In any case, it's become frustrating to listen to sports talk more and more over the last several months so before I start my list, let me say there's a reason that none of us who listen to sports talk or host sports talk are actually general managers in professional sports.  As much as we "claim" to know, we actually know very little and would be like deer in headlights if we actually tried to run a team.

Now then, on to the actual list.

Dammit.

Each year I write up a list of things I'd like for Christmas.  Some are real, some aren't so it's up to you to figure out what is and isn't.

It really shouldn't be that difficult.

Dear Santa,

Each year I write you a list and publish it for everyone to see.  Each year, you come up woefully short.  Every following year, I chastise you for your shortcomings and am convinced there's some sort of issue, whether it be elf labor problems, product shortages, or simple ineptness on your part.  Each year, nothing changes, so I've decided to take a slightly different route when it comes to debating why you fail to come through.

In all fairness, I don't really remember what I wrote last year.  Or the year before that.  Hell, I have no idea how long I've been doing this, although I do know it's been at least 5 years now.  The very first one was written back in 2006 in fact.  The problem is I never write them in the same blog.  The first couple were on Myspace, which of course fell off the wagon once Facebook came along, which was where the next few were.  I also think I skipped a year.

I'm not sure.  Apparently the first thing I should ask for is better memory, or take a vitamin that helps with that since I never seem to be able to remember much anymore and it's caused more than one dispute with my girlfriend, friends, and family.

And now I'm totally off point.

I've decided that the problem, Santa, is that you're overbooked and understaffed.  Now, I realize economic times have been tough and everyone's cutting back, but this has been the case for years now.  Either you were way ahead of the curve in anticipation of the recession, or you've always been a cheap bastard, but in any case you might want to consider hiring extra elves to help get your toys together.

I also am willing to concede that in recent years, the toys have become much more elaborate and since you build all your toys, maybe it's taking longer as your elves have to learn how to build anything from a Baby Alive to an Xbox 360, which is quite complicated.  No longer are you building simple wooden horses and jack in the boxes.  No, now you have action figures which have more complicated assemply instructions than military-grade weapons.

Maybe there's a different issue.  Maybe all these companies who create these toys fail to give you accurate instructions on how to build their products.  Or maybe they're charging such a high building fee that you've been forced to reduce your labor force in exchange for the right to build the toys.

Or maybe you've experienced a work stoppage similar to the NFL and NBA.  Were your superstar elves demanding bigger paychecks even though you were experiencing revenue declines?  Did you hold firm against those underappreciative elves, or did you follow the NBA and give in to the whiny little bastards?  We're all curious to know what the end result was Santa.

Whatever it is, it's time for you to figure this out.  I'm sure Microsoft has no problem shipping a bunch of Xbox's worldwide with a "from Santa" tag on them for a nominal fee that would likely be cheaper than trying to build them yourself.  Then you could reallocate some of your elf labor to other areas that they are much better suited for.

Just a suggestion.

In the meantime, here's my wishlist for 2011.

* A pony - well, why not?

* A laptop - after what happened with my computer hard drive, I think it's time to reinvest in a laptop.  Maybe I'll even have sound this time!

* A nuclear sub - There's no substitute for a nuclear sub.  Torpedos aren't necessary, but it would be nice.  I hear they're kind of pricey.

* A tropical island - I like snow, but really, who could complain about a tropical island?

* The following Xbox 360 games: Halo: Anniversary, Gears of War 3, Battlefield 3, Modern Warfare 2 and 3 and Black Ops (I know, I'm way behind).

* A Wii and following games: Super Mario Galaxy 1 and 2, Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword, Kirby's Epic Yarn, Kirby's Return to Dream Land, Mario Kart, and the new Donkey Kong, which really isn't new anymore.

* A space shuttle - I want to travel in style after all

* Memory pills - seriously, I can't remember half the shit, er stuff I was going to ask for now

* A tank - I seriously doubt anyone would piss me off if I showed up in a tank

* A lifetime supply of Gatorade - must...get...off...of...pop

* My own train - sometimes you just want to ride the train

* New beaters - if you saw how ragged some of mine have become, you'd understand this one

* New shirts - ever since Rachel showed me the virtues of wearing smaller-fitting shirts, I'm hooked. Just need more now!

* More work clothes - it's just nice to have more than 5 shirts and 1 pair of pants.  Sad, I know

* A reindeer - totally stolen from Rachel and it's shameless, but the more I think about it the cooler it seems.

* A grenade launcher - bet no one will piss me off if I had one of those.

* A rocket launcher - in case someone does try to piss me off despite the grenade launcher

* A Blu-Ray player - cause, you know, netflix in HD isn't enough for me

* A Playstation 3 - which you could give instead of the Blu-Ray player since it comes with one

* A new pair of rollerblades - my current pair is slowly deconstructing themselves.  This past summer, one strap fell off and I'm sure more are to follow.

* A bigger HDTV - It's a guy thing.  What can I say?

* World peace and domination - Although I'll probably defer command to Rachel since she's smarter than me.

* A puppy - they're just so damn cute

* A few rats - they make better pets than most would realize

* A partridge, but not in a pear tree - didn't make sense to me but I wrote it anyway

* Happiness for friends and family - seriously, everyone's been through enough shit already

* My older sister to contract smallpox - sounds mean, but she deserves it, trust me

I think that about sums it up.  I'm sure there's much more, but in reality, I'm past the age where I "want" things.  I'm at the point where what matters most is that my family is well and happy, and yes, that includes Rachel and Payton.

Too much this time of year people worry so much about presents and how much they need to get people when the truth is, most of us should be happy to be functioning, healthy, and capable of living ordinary lives.

Sincerely,

David "Jerkface" Kreal