My Christmas Wishlist 2015 edition

In years past, I've written a "Christmas Wishlist" that was a combination of ridiculous ideas and actual things I want. That tradition resumes this year with some new ideas and some rehashed ones because my level of creativity just isn't good enough to come up with all-new ideas. Anyway, don't take it too seriously and just enjoy!

Dear Santa,

I took a couple of years off of writing you a list, and for that, I apologize. Life came at me pretty fast after my 2011 list and I just wasn't focused on sending these out, especially since there's always been a child living with me since. I figured I'd take a step back and let the kids' dreams come true.

Sadly, I can't say that you've stepped up your level of service since I last wrote you. I mean, I've come to expect shoddy service from you and your elves (granted, you are serving a LARGE portion of the population), but I feel you didn't appreciate the effort I did occasionally put into writing those letters.

Not only did you not throw me a bone the last 3 years that I skipped writing you, but you likely continued crushing the dreams of others who just wanted you to deliver them the things they wanted most. I mean, I give you a 3 year break and not once do I get a fighter jet, tank, or pony? No XBox One?

Worst of all, no world peace and domination?

I've often taken issue with your lackluster production levels and generally unhelpful elves, yet despite previous public shaming, I have yet to see any significant changes to your operation and how you handle complaints. If anything, I wonder if the problem has become worse with time. I mean, I haven't brought this to the attention of the public in a few years, so maybe you think it's blown over and not a issue.

You're wrong there Santa. Not only is it still an issue, but I'm about to take it to a new level if the list requirements aren't met. We're in the information sharing age and all I have to do is broadcast my complaints on social media and YouTube for people to find out. Think you're safe? Think again.

Simply put, I've seen enough examples of how poorly you've done to be convinced that change is needed. Switching out your sled for a Mercedes? Are we for real Santa?

Or how about the documentary "Elf," where we saw just how far your elves will go to "handle" a situation? 

And don't get me on the series of "Santa Claus" movies where you faked your death to convince Tim Allen to take over for a while.

The gig is up Santa, so just pony up the goods and all of this controversy will go away.

Now then, presenting in no particular order, my list for Christmas 2015:

A catapult: Because nothing says fun like being able to load something on to a catapult and fling it in some random direction. Think of the fun that I can have with one of these? Someone's bike is in the middle of the sidewalk? Load the catapult and see how far it flies!

A Yacht: I've asked for large things before, but I don't think I've ever asked for a yacht, preferably one that I could just live in.

A house: A little more practical, but not nearly as adventurous. Wait, I have a kid, so throw in some stuff for her to play on and keep her busy. A dog run would be nice too. Oh, and a full-size basketball court. Oh, oh oh! A gaming room so I can record/stream/play games in complete peace!

A new PC: But not just any PC, we're talking overpowered gaming PC capable of running any and every game at UHD while streaming and/or recording. Would include all accessories I need to upgrade my gaming, streaming, and recording experience. Optional streaming PC would be nice as well.

A Man Cave: This would be for said house. Would come complete with couch, chair, minimun 60" UHD TV, XBox One (and games), PS4 (and games), and Wii U (and more games). Oh, and blu-ray player with surround sound sytem, because we're all about big here.

Jeep Cherokee: I want. Or a Wrangler. Or just my Liberty paid off would be helpful.

Spinnyos: For Kylie (because she matters too) because I think she'd have a blast with that thing.

The Clapper: No real good reason really.

World Peace & Domination: This will be on the list every year until it's granted.

A Mech Suit: Have you seen these in video games? They shoot rockets, bullets, and can take a shit ton of damage. I could use this during the holiday sales.

A bike: I've been wanting a bike again for a couple of years for fitness purposes and just frankly miss riding it.

The Entire MST3K Collection: The revival of the show has rekindled my interest in the show, which is still one of the best to ever grace a TV.

Galaxy Note 5 or S6 Edge: I've grown quite fond of the Galaxy lineup. I'd prefer the Note (or Note Edge 2 when it comes out), but beggars can't be choosers.

Shark tank: Filled with sharks of course. Nothing will keep your guests in line like the knowledge that if they mess up your carpet, they could be the next meal.

Winning Powerball/Mega Millions ticket: I mean, I could do wonderful things with all that money. Some of it would be a bit excessive, but I could do so much and help so many people out. Think about it.

A tank: An oldie, but goody. I mean, terrifying for everyone else.

A pony: I may have to fend of Kylie for this one, but I still want one dammit.

An RV: Just think of the dysfunctional adventures I could go on if I had my own RV?

Season tickets to Indians/Cavs/Browns: Sure the Browns have been putrid, but I still love them. The Indians have been so-so, but there's no experience like the ballpark in the summer. The Cavs are just awesome to watch and basketball is my favorite sport.

Tickets to an OSU Buckeyes football game: I just want to experience this one time and I'll be satisfied.

A Pitbull Farm: Raised properly, these are the best dogs ever. I of course would love to have a farm of them. Pitbulls everywhere!

New teeth: Mine are simply bad and the one thing physically I'm ashamed of. Kinda. 

Fire pit: Again for previously mentioned house. I just like the idea of sitting outside in the summer with a nice fire going.

Trampoline: More fun for me or for Kylie?

A bounce house: More for kids than me, but I'd still play.

A Tropical Island: I asked for this back in 2011. You have yet to deliver. Consider yourself put on notice.

Lifetime supply of Chipotle: E. Coli or not, that shit is like crack. I don't know if I can turn away from it anymore.

Improved Health for my mom: Hasn't she suffered enough? She did so much for us, yet her reward is increasingly failing health.

My own Batcave: Because seriously, how cool would that be?

I'm sure there are more things I could ask for, and if I think of them, I'll amend this and add them in, but for now, this should do.

Don't let me down or else I'll have to take action against you and your deliquent elves.

Yours in warnings, 

David.

In all seriousness, I hope everyone has a great holiday season. If you celebrate it, Merry Christmas! If you don't, well, happy whatever-it-is-you-celebrate because it matters. It really does.

I think we tend to lose sight of what matters this time of year, but I'm keenly aware of it as I've been reminded frequently at home and at work of what's really important. Sure, it's nice to receive gifts, but it's far more important to have people you can count on to be there when you need them.

So have fun, be safe, and hope things roll your way.

Now I'm gonna go buy $20 in lottery tickets so I can fulfill several dreams, not all my own.

PS - Feel free to comment with what you want for Christmas!