I'm not going to pretend that the last two days were easy.
It was hard seeng so many people struggle so much with my dad's death. There's a part of me that wonders if that moments is going to come for me, but there's a part of me that thinks it never will.
I don't say that because it would make it easier to deal with, I say it because it's the truth.
During the wake, I didn't feel anything. Today, at the funeral, knowing it was the last time I was going to see him in the flesh, I didn't feel anything. Part of me wonders if that makes me a bad person, but I know a lot of it is because of how large our disconnect really was.
The real kicker for me today was going to the banquet hall after the funeral and seeing so many people drinking. Now, I know that they all weren't drinking to get drunk, but I just couldn't understand drinking after the funeral of a man who had such a large drinking problem.
That said, this isn't going to be about the bad stuff with my dad. I've written far too much about that in my time, so it's time to look at the good things he did.
The thing I learned the last two days is that my dad had problems, but he touched a lot of people. His former coworkers were really broken up over what happened and they had a lot of trouble seeing him in the casket. There were people who came from out of state to say their final goodbyes to my dad, mostly because they remember how much fun they had with him.
The pictures that were up said it all. There were pictures of him at work, pictures of him at home, but most of the pictures were of him and kids. You could literally trace the kids in the family by looking at these pictures. You had the pictures of him with my sisters and me. Then there were pictures of him with cousins, kids of cousins, and then Teresa's kids.
He was a kid magnet and he let them do whatever they wanted to him.
When I was a kid, he used to get down on his knees, give me a football, and tell me to try and get past him. I would run into him as hard as I could sometimes to try and knock him over and he took it. Every single time.
My dad had problems, but when he was right, there wasn't a better person in the world. That added to the frustration I had with him over the last few years, but I can never take away the fact that there were good times.
This death hit a lot of people hard. My mom had a tough time with it as did my sister of course, but there were others who were hit just as hard. My grandparents, especially my grandfather, were shellshocked. It just hit people in a way that, while expected, was still something to see.
A nice touch my mom threw in on the board of pictures she made was putting a picture up with Rachel and me. She wanted to put Payton up there, but had a brain cramp and didn't think to look on either of our Facebook pages to find one. Nevertheless, it was a nice gesture.
Equally nice was my former coworker Shannon making an appearance. I was definitely not expecting that and it was very, very appreciated, as were all the kind words people said to me on Facebook. Some of you reached out to me more than others, but every comment and post were appreciated.
I've said some harsh things about my dad. I know this. But there's no more time for it. He's passed on, forever in my memory and those who knew him.
Dad, we didn't see eye to eye very often. In fact, you infuriated me sometimes. I had very little desire to speak to you most of the time. I stayed away from family functions specifically to avoid running into you. But I didn't want to see you go, not like this. I wanted to see you at least try one more time to get it straight, make amends for your actions in the past.
You didn't get that chance, and while death is a terrible thing, I have to think you're in a better place now, that you're no longer suffering through whatever mental illness you had.
Our relationship was never what I wanted it to be, but you were still my dad. I always loved you even when you made me so angry that I couldn't even think about you.
RIP dad.
You were too young.
I don't want people asking me repeatedly if I'm okay. I am. I have a good support system and there are people who need my support much more than I need it. My dad was the main person helping my grandfather out in Ashtabula, so I'm going to try and make it a point to help him as much as I can going forward.
Truth is, my dad wouldn't want any of us to dwell on this. He'd want us to move on, have fun with our lives, and keep things in perspective.
I hope that the rest of the family does so, although I think it's going to be very difficult for some.
Again, thanks to everyone who's reached out to me.
I appreciate it.
Happier posts will be coming. I have a Warrior Dash to go after, a fitness class to continue, and so much more to enjoy in life.
Don't take it for granted.
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