I should be sad

I should be crushed.

My weekend should've been completely ruined, completely turned upside down.

I should be an emotional wreck right now.

I found it yesterday that on Wednesday, my dad died of an apparent heart attack, most likely brought about because of his continued problem with alcoholism.  The night he died he had left drunken voicemails for my mom, who along with my sister, is completely devastated by the news.

See, the day he died was their wedding anniversary, and while they had been divorced for many years, she still loved him and it's pretty likely that he still loved her.  So she's understandable having a hard time with this, just like my sister, who unlike me, tried for years to continue to have a functioning relationship with him.

Me?

I had detached myself from him years ago.  Most who know me well know that.  I've written a few blogs detailing why I feel the way I do about him and why I was done giving him chances.

When the news was given to me, there was no sadness, there was no remorse, there was, well, nothing.  I literally had no feeling one way or another about finding that out, which I suppose shows just how little I felt for the man that was partly responsible for me existing in the first place.  I just wanted to make sure I was there for my mom and sister.

I've spent a fair amount of time thinking about it all though.  I've always sometimes wondered "what if" when it came to him, so I of course started thinking once more what if he hadn't had the alcohol problem, what if he avoided drugs?

The bigger thing for me though is what if the rest of his family had stepped in rather than act like nothing was wrong.  What if they had heard our pleas for help rather than turn away from us?  What if they had forced him to face the reality of his actions rather than enable him?

There are certain members on his side of the family that just irritate me with their actions.  Most are caring people who mean well, but there are a couple who just are clueless and think they know what's best.  One in particular still hasn't grown up and acts like a 20 year old when they are older than that.

There's a part of me that wishes I could sit them all down in a room, tell them to keep quiet, and tell them about all the stuff that they don't want to hear about.  Tell them all about the nights that he came home at 3am and scared us all because he was so drunk, so high, and looking for a fight.  I'd tell them that it wasn't just one night, it wasn't just two nights.  It was repeatedly over the years.  I'd tell them how we were afraid of the repercussions of his actions, his dealings with drug dealers.  I'd tell them how we weren't sure he was even going to come home sometimes.

I know that will never happen.  A lot of his family lives in a world where his problems weren't that bad, that he wasn't an alcoholic, he didn't do drugs, and he wasn't mentally unstable.  They refuse to believe that anything was that bad, that he meant well.

I kind of feel sorry for them.  It must be nice to live in a world where people don't have serious problems, drug issues, or alcoholism.

See, I live in a world where I see it all the time.  I work in an environment where I see it constantly.  I see the people coming through and know that he was someone who should've been going to a place like where I work.  But I know it would never happen.  He never admitted to having a problem and a lot of the family didn't accept that he had a problem.

Now he's dead.  Dead because of the primary problem that he had.  His parents outlived him and that's not something that should happen.

He didn't deserve to die.  I'm going to say that now.  All the animosity, all the anger towards him, all the years that went by without us talking didn't make me wish him dead.  I was perfectly content with not talking to him and going about my life.  It's had its ups and downs, but things are fairly stable now and I have very little to worry about other than figuring out my car situation.

There has been some talk about my sister and I being beneficiaries of something, but I'm not sold on that.  I do believe it's possible that he had something set up, but I also wouldn't be surprised if he didn't.  In short, I'm not going to hold my breath on this.

Instead, I'm going to continue to look forward as I always have.  I have my Warrior Dash coming next weekend, which I need to continue training for.  I have a very good job.  I have a great girlfriend who has a funny kid to keep me entertained.  We have great pets (even though Kisa needs to cut out the peeing thing).

I'm going to wrap this up now with another pitch for my fundraising activity.  I haven't received any donations in a while and have been stuck at $205. If anyone wants to donate, you have until Sunday, August 26th to do so.  So please, give a little towards St. Jude. It's a good cause and helps motivate me to run even harder.

It was encouraging to hear the trainer of our fitness class tell me that he thinks I'm going to be good to go for it, but I'm going to keep running all week as I prepare for it.  He gave me some good tips for training for the race/obstacle course that I'm going to heed.  It means missing a class, but I'm going to do my best to make up for it the first few days this week and in the classes after the race.

Anyone who wants to come watch me can as well.  Just comment or if you know me, contact me and I'll tell you where to go.

My Donation Page

Hope everyone had a good weekend.  I'll write a separate blog about the weekend and the race in the next couple of days.