Wednesday, December 16, 2015
Saturday, December 12, 2015
Friday, December 11, 2015
Thursday, December 10, 2015
Why I'm a horrible friend
Let me start by saying that this isn't a cry for help, or me trying to say I'm depressed in any way shape or form.
I'm not.
This is simply an explanation of some very long-standing habits that I've had since I can remember to try and help all of you understand a little better what goes on inside my head when it comes to communicating with most of you, even if you're a friend going back 10 years or more.
I've sat and thought about how to word this for almost a week since I announced on social media (personal FB page, gaming FB page, Twitter) that I was going to be writing about how I'm a bad friend and why I don't talk to people nearly as much as I should. I still haven't found the exact words I want, but I figured I needed to at least get started so I didn't lose the ones I have now.
I've always been fairly introverted around people I don't know. I'm not the type of person who will approach someone and strike up a conversation and if I'm in a group of people I don't know, I have very little to say. This has always had a fairly reasonable impact in dating as even if I felt fairly certain a girl was interested in me, I still had significant trouble mustering up the courage to speak to them.
I've improved at my social skills as the years have gone by, but I still struggle with it to this day and it greatly impacts the relationships that I've developed with people, and in some cases, sadly have lost because of my poor communication skills.
I'm just simply not the type of person who reaches out to people very often. I often think about it and intend to, or think that certain times would be good, but often forget about it shortly after deciding it would be a good idea.
It's a weak excuse, but the number of times I've decided that I was going to contact someone, only to lose track of time until it's well after midnight is pretty bad. I simply forget about it and get caught up in other things, sometimes important, sometimes not, and don't recall my original intent until it's too late (or I perceive it to be too late; I'm weird about that too).
In other words, I overthink the process of contacting people.
If it's during the day, I often fear that I'll be interrupting something more important and decide against it. If it's at night, even if I know there isn't a chance they're asleep, I fear waking them.
It isn't limited to any particular person either. Close friends, distant friends, and family are all likely to get treated this way. It isn't necessarily because I'm trying to avoid them, but rather it comes down a basic inferiority complex I've always had.
I can't pinpoint when I developed it either, I just know I've always felt like I wasn't good enough for others. It used to bother me a lot when I was younger (I was probably starving for positive attention from others outside of my immediate family and just not getting it), but as time has gone on, it's become a smaller issue for me.
It's still there though, and it doesn't always take a lot for it to rear its ugly head, particularly if I feel someone is belittling the way I do something. At those points I have to fight through it a bit more and realize there probably wasn't anything malicious about it.
In essence, I've always felt relatively unimportant to those around me. It's impact these days is FAR less significant than it used to be, but it still pops up from time to time.
Again, not trying to make it sound like it's crippling for me. Typically if I feel it, it only lasts for a brief moment before it passes and regain my mojo.
Yes I said mojo. Deal with it.
When I was younger? It definitely affected me more and would cause me to become withdrawn from virtually everyone around me. I wouldn't speak to many and if I did, it was short and to the point. If I had to choose between going somewhere with others or staying home, I'd stay home.
These days, that's not an issue. Sure, I have moments where I don't feel like doing things, but I don't feel the need to completely withdraw from everyone around me.
Unfortunately, one way the inferiority still holds on is picking up a phone and even texting someone, much less calling them. I just struggle with it, even if I know it's been a while since I've talked to said person. I have this unexplainable fear when it comes to calling others, even if I KNOW I need to.
But I never want to get in the way of what people are doing, which is pretty insane since I'm fairly certain most of my friends/family would not complain if I called on occasion to say hi and see how things were going.
Now, I do have legitimate reasons for not taking a lot of time to call people. I do work, and after work I'm pretty busy with Kylie until she goes to bed right now, but I won't have that excuse in a few months when I've moved out and I don't have her around every day anymore.
Even so, I know certain people (Lennie and Sarah come to mind), are usually still up when I have Kylie down, so the child kept me busy isn't a great excuse. I could conceivably call them after she goes to bed, but then that's where the "I don't want to bug them if they're busy" issue comes back around.
I could go into further detail on this, but I feel I've summed it up fairly nicely to this point. I don't think the inferiority issue should be an acceptable excuse, and it shouldn't make anyone say "oh that's okay" if I suddenly talk to them after several weeks or months, but I do want people to understand why it happens and what goes on in my brain when it's happening.
I also want to reiterate one last time, I'm not depressed or think I'm worthless. My confidence, despite the issue I have with my teeth, is fairly high and I know I'm a worthwhile person. I just always feel there are more important things people could be doing than talking to me.
If you have any questions about this, feel free to reach out to me on any of my social media links, which are in this post and in the blog overall.
Thanks for reading this.
I'm not.
This is simply an explanation of some very long-standing habits that I've had since I can remember to try and help all of you understand a little better what goes on inside my head when it comes to communicating with most of you, even if you're a friend going back 10 years or more.
I've sat and thought about how to word this for almost a week since I announced on social media (personal FB page, gaming FB page, Twitter) that I was going to be writing about how I'm a bad friend and why I don't talk to people nearly as much as I should. I still haven't found the exact words I want, but I figured I needed to at least get started so I didn't lose the ones I have now.
I've always been fairly introverted around people I don't know. I'm not the type of person who will approach someone and strike up a conversation and if I'm in a group of people I don't know, I have very little to say. This has always had a fairly reasonable impact in dating as even if I felt fairly certain a girl was interested in me, I still had significant trouble mustering up the courage to speak to them.
I've improved at my social skills as the years have gone by, but I still struggle with it to this day and it greatly impacts the relationships that I've developed with people, and in some cases, sadly have lost because of my poor communication skills.
I'm just simply not the type of person who reaches out to people very often. I often think about it and intend to, or think that certain times would be good, but often forget about it shortly after deciding it would be a good idea.
It's a weak excuse, but the number of times I've decided that I was going to contact someone, only to lose track of time until it's well after midnight is pretty bad. I simply forget about it and get caught up in other things, sometimes important, sometimes not, and don't recall my original intent until it's too late (or I perceive it to be too late; I'm weird about that too).
In other words, I overthink the process of contacting people.
If it's during the day, I often fear that I'll be interrupting something more important and decide against it. If it's at night, even if I know there isn't a chance they're asleep, I fear waking them.
It isn't limited to any particular person either. Close friends, distant friends, and family are all likely to get treated this way. It isn't necessarily because I'm trying to avoid them, but rather it comes down a basic inferiority complex I've always had.
I can't pinpoint when I developed it either, I just know I've always felt like I wasn't good enough for others. It used to bother me a lot when I was younger (I was probably starving for positive attention from others outside of my immediate family and just not getting it), but as time has gone on, it's become a smaller issue for me.
It's still there though, and it doesn't always take a lot for it to rear its ugly head, particularly if I feel someone is belittling the way I do something. At those points I have to fight through it a bit more and realize there probably wasn't anything malicious about it.
In essence, I've always felt relatively unimportant to those around me. It's impact these days is FAR less significant than it used to be, but it still pops up from time to time.
Again, not trying to make it sound like it's crippling for me. Typically if I feel it, it only lasts for a brief moment before it passes and regain my mojo.
Yes I said mojo. Deal with it.
When I was younger? It definitely affected me more and would cause me to become withdrawn from virtually everyone around me. I wouldn't speak to many and if I did, it was short and to the point. If I had to choose between going somewhere with others or staying home, I'd stay home.
These days, that's not an issue. Sure, I have moments where I don't feel like doing things, but I don't feel the need to completely withdraw from everyone around me.
Unfortunately, one way the inferiority still holds on is picking up a phone and even texting someone, much less calling them. I just struggle with it, even if I know it's been a while since I've talked to said person. I have this unexplainable fear when it comes to calling others, even if I KNOW I need to.
But I never want to get in the way of what people are doing, which is pretty insane since I'm fairly certain most of my friends/family would not complain if I called on occasion to say hi and see how things were going.
Now, I do have legitimate reasons for not taking a lot of time to call people. I do work, and after work I'm pretty busy with Kylie until she goes to bed right now, but I won't have that excuse in a few months when I've moved out and I don't have her around every day anymore.
Even so, I know certain people (Lennie and Sarah come to mind), are usually still up when I have Kylie down, so the child kept me busy isn't a great excuse. I could conceivably call them after she goes to bed, but then that's where the "I don't want to bug them if they're busy" issue comes back around.
I could go into further detail on this, but I feel I've summed it up fairly nicely to this point. I don't think the inferiority issue should be an acceptable excuse, and it shouldn't make anyone say "oh that's okay" if I suddenly talk to them after several weeks or months, but I do want people to understand why it happens and what goes on in my brain when it's happening.
I also want to reiterate one last time, I'm not depressed or think I'm worthless. My confidence, despite the issue I have with my teeth, is fairly high and I know I'm a worthwhile person. I just always feel there are more important things people could be doing than talking to me.
If you have any questions about this, feel free to reach out to me on any of my social media links, which are in this post and in the blog overall.
Thanks for reading this.
Thursday, November 26, 2015
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
On the Browns and finally losing patience
I'm not one to portray doom and gloom with the sports franchises that I root for. I simply do not take them so seriously that my life is ruined because of sports.
They're still not, but boy are the Cleveland Browns doing their best to try and drive the loyal fans away.
This past game against the Arizona Cardinals was perhaps the most frustrating game to watch, and that's saying a lot given the games that us fans have suffered through since the team's rebirth in 1999.
Yet it was a symbol of what we've come to expect from the Browns. Play competitively for a while, then fall into an abyss as the opponent makes adjustments and the Browns fail to counter.
You could feel it coming really with about 5 minutes left to go in the first half. The Browns had just taken a 20-7 lead on Josh McCown's third touchdown pass of the first half (missed the extra point) and the stadium was buzzing. The Browns were relatively competent on offense and the defense had done a nice job of forcing some turnovers.
Yet you could feel the change was going to come. The Browns defense has been notorious for giving up points before the half, squashing all momentum that they had built up.
Sure enough, Carson Palmer had the Cardinals in position to at least get a field goal, if not a touchdown, and a completion to Larry Fitzgerald seemed to confirm my own belief that the score was coming. Then K'Waun Williams forced Fitzgerald to fumble, thus seemingly preventing that end of the half score.
With over a minute in the half, the Browns could conceivably try to get down the field and possibly put some points up before the half, but of course, the coaching staff went conservative and the Browns were forced to punt with 36 seconds left in the half.
A false start pushed the Cardinals back, but then Palmer hit Michael Floyd for 28 yards to the Browns' 27, thus putting the Cardinals in field goal range. Palmer then hit Fitzgerald for 19 yards, and after spiking the ball the Cardinals had 2nd and goal from the 8. There were offsetting penalties on the following play, which allowed the Cardinals to kick that field goal at the end of the half to make it 20-10.
Now, with the Browns having the ball at the start of the second half, you wouldn't be too bothered by all this, except the Browns have been putrid to start the second half at times. This game was no different as the Browns lost 2 yards in 3 plays before punting. Joe Haden was beaten again by Floyd for a long touchdown, thus finishing the shift in momentum. Cardinals were down 20-17, but you knew that wouldn't last and the train wreck continued.
The Browns punted on their next 3 possessions and allowed the Cardinals to take the lead at 24-20. The Browns forced two turnovers, but didn't get anything out of those turnovers, punting after intercepting Palmer, then McCown threw an interception in Cardinal territory after the Browns defense had forced a fumble.
Of course the Cardinals responded by adding another touchdown, and finished the scoring with a field goal to win 34-20.
Remember, the Browns led 20-7 at one point. They gave up 27 unanswered points from the end of the first half going through the 4th quarter. McCown could barely stand, yet Mike Pettine refused to remove him from the game. The offensive line, which had done an admirable job in the first half, couldn't block anyone in the second.
The run defense, which had also done an admirable job in the first half, parted wide open in the second half.
Haden and Tramon Williams couldn't cover anyone. Donte Whitner hit a player so hard he knocked himself out the game.
It was an utter catastrophe in the second half from every angle. There is not one positive you can gleam from that second half.
Nothing.
Listen, this team is now making me angry. Us as fans devote 3+ hours to watch this and no, I don't know why we do this to ourselves. Especially those of you who go down to that stadium every Sunday, paying exorbitant prices on tickets, parking, and concessions, just so you have the privilege of saying you were there when Brian Hartline dropped 4 passes, or watched Dwayne Bowe stand there on the sideline.
Why are you paying Bowe a ton of money if you aren't going to play him? Why has he been inactive so much this year even though he's healthy? Why did anyone think picking up Robert Turbin was a good idea? Why can't this "premiere" offensive line block anyone or open up any running lanes?
Why can't they stop the run? Why can't two of the best cover corners cover anyone? Why can't these guys stop getting concussed? Why is McCown out there when he can barely stand up?
I could go on, and I will because Ray Farmer, the genius himself, took to the podium today to talk about the team. You know, the guy who was trying to trade Joe Thomas anyway he could for some god-forsaken reason. You know, the guy who didn't believe in going out and getting a play-making receiver, who instead threw money at Bowe to stand on the sidelines.
Farmer contended that the team was close, that there was a light at the end of the tunnel. He claimed he wasn't on the hot seat (but very visibly needed to wipe his ENTIRE HEAD OFF WITH A TOWEL), that the hot seat was just something outsiders say.
Farmer is now an internet meme and that's not a good thing.
Look, we could spend hours dissecting what's wrong with this team. Jimmy Haslam is the second coming of Jerry Jones, but without the football knowledge. Pettine, well, he's in a rough spot. He knows his job is on the line and needs to win now, but this team really needs to be developing the younger players, which costs you wins (not that the vets are doing a bang-up job).
The defense, which was supposed to be the strength, gets gashed on a regular basis both on the ground and through the air.
Are the players trying? I believe so, but I feel most aren't being used properly or being put in the best position to succeed. Best example? Paul Kruger, brought into to rush the passer, is being dropped into coverage a lot more than he should be.
One final thing before I switch into a more positive tone, this team needs to stop being jerks to the few good players it has. Tashaun Gipson is one of the best young safeties in the league, yet the team will likely refuse to pay him, much like Buster Skrine (who admittedly wasn't great, but was still serviceable) and TJ Ward (who they replaced with past his prime Donte Whitner).
There's so much more I could get into, but I'm not going to do this to myself. Yes, I want the Browns to become a great franchise, but I doubt they'll do it with the current regime in place. I HATE saying that because I hate constantly changing the faces, but this is possibly the worst I've seen outside of the Pat Shurmer debacle.
Hopefully they figure it out, but expect more painful moments before they do.
Some final thoughts:
Cavalier Caveats
I love the Cavs.
One, they're not the Browns. Dan Gilbert has made it clear he wants to win, he wants to win now, and he'll do what he can to make it happen. Of course, it helps having LeBron James, Kevin Love, and eventually Kyrie Irving, but Gilbert has shown he will give the greenlight on just about any roster decision that helps the team win.
Last nights game was a dud early on though. The 76ers came out with energy and took it to the Cavs early on, but the Cavs started to get back into the game late in the first half, closing what had been a 15 point lead down to 5 at 54-49. They continued the assault in the second half, taking the lead at 56-54 just minutes into the half.
They never looked back. Mo Williams was hitting jumpers, Love was posting up on the block, James was catching alley-oops from Matthew Dellavedova, and the defense tightened up considerably. They stretched the lead to 21 at one point before David Blatt turned it over to the bench, who allowed the lead to dwindle, but not completely disappear.
James passed 25,000 points for his career last night and did so as the youngest ever. The only downside was JR Smith having to leave with a knee injury. He'll be out at least two games, but at least it wasn't serious.
I just want to point out that Love appears to be 150% more comfortable with the team this year than last. He has a bounce in his step (he's health), but he's more assertive. He's calling for the ball and the Cavs are getting it to him where he can be successful. He's no longer just drifting outside the three point line, waiting to shoot a jumper. He's active, he's vocal, and he's being aggressive.
Finally, it's really great to see Mo back with the Cavs. He was a favorite of mine his first time with the team and has done exactly what they need him to do until Irving comes back.
Oh wow, that's right, they're playing pretty well without Irving and Iman Shumpert.
This is going to be fun.
Unlike that Browns team.
They're still not, but boy are the Cleveland Browns doing their best to try and drive the loyal fans away.
This past game against the Arizona Cardinals was perhaps the most frustrating game to watch, and that's saying a lot given the games that us fans have suffered through since the team's rebirth in 1999.
Yet it was a symbol of what we've come to expect from the Browns. Play competitively for a while, then fall into an abyss as the opponent makes adjustments and the Browns fail to counter.
You could feel it coming really with about 5 minutes left to go in the first half. The Browns had just taken a 20-7 lead on Josh McCown's third touchdown pass of the first half (missed the extra point) and the stadium was buzzing. The Browns were relatively competent on offense and the defense had done a nice job of forcing some turnovers.
Yet you could feel the change was going to come. The Browns defense has been notorious for giving up points before the half, squashing all momentum that they had built up.
Sure enough, Carson Palmer had the Cardinals in position to at least get a field goal, if not a touchdown, and a completion to Larry Fitzgerald seemed to confirm my own belief that the score was coming. Then K'Waun Williams forced Fitzgerald to fumble, thus seemingly preventing that end of the half score.
With over a minute in the half, the Browns could conceivably try to get down the field and possibly put some points up before the half, but of course, the coaching staff went conservative and the Browns were forced to punt with 36 seconds left in the half.
A false start pushed the Cardinals back, but then Palmer hit Michael Floyd for 28 yards to the Browns' 27, thus putting the Cardinals in field goal range. Palmer then hit Fitzgerald for 19 yards, and after spiking the ball the Cardinals had 2nd and goal from the 8. There were offsetting penalties on the following play, which allowed the Cardinals to kick that field goal at the end of the half to make it 20-10.
Now, with the Browns having the ball at the start of the second half, you wouldn't be too bothered by all this, except the Browns have been putrid to start the second half at times. This game was no different as the Browns lost 2 yards in 3 plays before punting. Joe Haden was beaten again by Floyd for a long touchdown, thus finishing the shift in momentum. Cardinals were down 20-17, but you knew that wouldn't last and the train wreck continued.
The Browns punted on their next 3 possessions and allowed the Cardinals to take the lead at 24-20. The Browns forced two turnovers, but didn't get anything out of those turnovers, punting after intercepting Palmer, then McCown threw an interception in Cardinal territory after the Browns defense had forced a fumble.
Of course the Cardinals responded by adding another touchdown, and finished the scoring with a field goal to win 34-20.
Remember, the Browns led 20-7 at one point. They gave up 27 unanswered points from the end of the first half going through the 4th quarter. McCown could barely stand, yet Mike Pettine refused to remove him from the game. The offensive line, which had done an admirable job in the first half, couldn't block anyone in the second.
The run defense, which had also done an admirable job in the first half, parted wide open in the second half.
Haden and Tramon Williams couldn't cover anyone. Donte Whitner hit a player so hard he knocked himself out the game.
It was an utter catastrophe in the second half from every angle. There is not one positive you can gleam from that second half.
Nothing.
Listen, this team is now making me angry. Us as fans devote 3+ hours to watch this and no, I don't know why we do this to ourselves. Especially those of you who go down to that stadium every Sunday, paying exorbitant prices on tickets, parking, and concessions, just so you have the privilege of saying you were there when Brian Hartline dropped 4 passes, or watched Dwayne Bowe stand there on the sideline.
Why are you paying Bowe a ton of money if you aren't going to play him? Why has he been inactive so much this year even though he's healthy? Why did anyone think picking up Robert Turbin was a good idea? Why can't this "premiere" offensive line block anyone or open up any running lanes?
Why can't they stop the run? Why can't two of the best cover corners cover anyone? Why can't these guys stop getting concussed? Why is McCown out there when he can barely stand up?
I could go on, and I will because Ray Farmer, the genius himself, took to the podium today to talk about the team. You know, the guy who was trying to trade Joe Thomas anyway he could for some god-forsaken reason. You know, the guy who didn't believe in going out and getting a play-making receiver, who instead threw money at Bowe to stand on the sidelines.
Farmer contended that the team was close, that there was a light at the end of the tunnel. He claimed he wasn't on the hot seat (but very visibly needed to wipe his ENTIRE HEAD OFF WITH A TOWEL), that the hot seat was just something outsiders say.
Farmer is now an internet meme and that's not a good thing.
Look, we could spend hours dissecting what's wrong with this team. Jimmy Haslam is the second coming of Jerry Jones, but without the football knowledge. Pettine, well, he's in a rough spot. He knows his job is on the line and needs to win now, but this team really needs to be developing the younger players, which costs you wins (not that the vets are doing a bang-up job).
The defense, which was supposed to be the strength, gets gashed on a regular basis both on the ground and through the air.
Are the players trying? I believe so, but I feel most aren't being used properly or being put in the best position to succeed. Best example? Paul Kruger, brought into to rush the passer, is being dropped into coverage a lot more than he should be.
One final thing before I switch into a more positive tone, this team needs to stop being jerks to the few good players it has. Tashaun Gipson is one of the best young safeties in the league, yet the team will likely refuse to pay him, much like Buster Skrine (who admittedly wasn't great, but was still serviceable) and TJ Ward (who they replaced with past his prime Donte Whitner).
There's so much more I could get into, but I'm not going to do this to myself. Yes, I want the Browns to become a great franchise, but I doubt they'll do it with the current regime in place. I HATE saying that because I hate constantly changing the faces, but this is possibly the worst I've seen outside of the Pat Shurmer debacle.
Hopefully they figure it out, but expect more painful moments before they do.
Some final thoughts:
- Haden has become more about talking about his game then actually playing like a ProBowl corner. He's been beaten multiple times by average receivers, then is magically hurt afterwards. Please don't be that guy Joe. We want to love you.
- Alex Mack is still not right. Before his injury last year, he was one of the best centers in the league. Now he is getting pushed all over the place and part of why the rushing attack just can't get going.
- Why are the linebackers constantly running up the backs of the linemen in front of them? Shouldn't they be shooting the gaps?
- Justin Gilbert, Johnny Manziel, Cam Erving, and Danny Shelton are your high profile draft picks. Let that soak in.
- Brandon Marshall was had for a fifth round draft pick. The Browns CUT their fourth round receiver.
- If nothing else, I'd like to see the Browns become better so we stop getting the worst announcing crews. Seriously, some of these guys clearly didn't pay attention to who they were going to be covering.
- NFL officials continue to be the worst. In last night's Colts/Panthers game, they made a few errors that helped the Colts in their comeback attempt. The worst was on an a pass play where the receiver was ruled out of bounds even though he was clearly tackled in-bounds, thus saving the Colts several valuable seconds.
Cavalier Caveats
I love the Cavs.
One, they're not the Browns. Dan Gilbert has made it clear he wants to win, he wants to win now, and he'll do what he can to make it happen. Of course, it helps having LeBron James, Kevin Love, and eventually Kyrie Irving, but Gilbert has shown he will give the greenlight on just about any roster decision that helps the team win.
Last nights game was a dud early on though. The 76ers came out with energy and took it to the Cavs early on, but the Cavs started to get back into the game late in the first half, closing what had been a 15 point lead down to 5 at 54-49. They continued the assault in the second half, taking the lead at 56-54 just minutes into the half.
They never looked back. Mo Williams was hitting jumpers, Love was posting up on the block, James was catching alley-oops from Matthew Dellavedova, and the defense tightened up considerably. They stretched the lead to 21 at one point before David Blatt turned it over to the bench, who allowed the lead to dwindle, but not completely disappear.
James passed 25,000 points for his career last night and did so as the youngest ever. The only downside was JR Smith having to leave with a knee injury. He'll be out at least two games, but at least it wasn't serious.
I just want to point out that Love appears to be 150% more comfortable with the team this year than last. He has a bounce in his step (he's health), but he's more assertive. He's calling for the ball and the Cavs are getting it to him where he can be successful. He's no longer just drifting outside the three point line, waiting to shoot a jumper. He's active, he's vocal, and he's being aggressive.
Finally, it's really great to see Mo back with the Cavs. He was a favorite of mine his first time with the team and has done exactly what they need him to do until Irving comes back.
Oh wow, that's right, they're playing pretty well without Irving and Iman Shumpert.
This is going to be fun.
Unlike that Browns team.
Wednesday, October 28, 2015
Life changes, people not so much
I think it goes without saying that it's been turbulent around these parts of late. Some know more than others of course, but this isn't going to be a post spilling all the beans about everything that's gone on.
Those who needed to know about anything, well they already know. If you don't, then you probably didn't need to know. Either way, exposing things in this public of a forum probably won't lead to good things, so I'm not going to do that.
What you need to know is that life for me is changing. It's evolving slowly from one thing into something that will be somewhat different in a few months. The biggest change will be the fact that at some point, I won't be seeing Kylie every day like I've become accustomed to.
This is a fairly normal thing when relationships fail, and while I never hoped for that to happen, the reality I'm facing is different from the one I perceived a few years ago.
Again, this isn't to sling mud in anyone's direction. We all make mistakes when relationships fail and there are always things each person could've done better. Sure, someone may be "more guilty" than the other, but that's nitpicking and doesn't resolve anything.
I was doing what's become my nightly walk the other night, and I started thinking more about how life seems to change on a whim, yet people for the most part are stubborn to change. Sure, you may do some things differently, but a lot of people are resistant to change and often go back to old habits when things get difficult.
The best example I can use is when someone's addicted to drugs. They struggle the most with changing their habits, changing their ways. Drugs become such a huge part of who they are that they sometimes lose sight of who they were before drugs. I've seen people lead good lives, then start up with drugs and that good life is demolished.
Drug addicts have a hard time breaking the addiction and even if they do beat it initially, they sometimes fall back into those old habits if something bad happens in their life.
People are creatures of habit though. We do the things we do because we're comfortable with it, whether it be how we do something, where we go, and how we come to the decisions we make. You can know the decision you're making is wrong, but you do it anyway because it's the more comfortable decision.
Very rarely do people willingly step out of their comfort zones, and often if they do, the experiment doesn't last long as it becomes scary to them.
Now I do realize there are people who aren't like that. They do step out of their comfort zones and experience life as fully as possible. But those people seem to be the exception rather than the rule as many aren't willing to do that.
We know what kind of food we like, we know what kind of people we prefer to hang out with, what kind of people we're willing to date, and what kind of hobbies we're going to take part in.
And when life gets rough, we run back to what we know. We all have our security blankets. For many, it's a family member (hi mom!), but for others, it's a friend they've known for a while; someone they know they can talk to and get honest, sound advice.
And life gets rough frequently. It flips you up on your head when you least expect it and then kicks you for good measure. It mocks you and reminds you that in the scheme of things, you're just one person in a world filled with living things. It constantly reminds you that the world goes on even as you struggle.
The world is constantly changing, evolving, and continuing forward.
Bear with me as I'm currently trying to remember the thoughts I had the other night. They were so fluid, so cohesive, so of course they aren't so much at this point.
The main thing I've trying to assert is that people struggle with change often because they're afraid of change. It scares them and causes them to do whatever they can to prevent the change from happening. They don't know how to deal with the change and it can cause irrational actions in some.
Yet life carries on. It doesn't care if you're struggling or not.
How does this relate to me and what's been going on? Not a whole lot. Am I scared of the change that's coming? No. I'm a little apprehensive, but at the same time, I'm ready for a new chapter in my life, even if that new chapter features less Kylie.
It isn't because I want to get away from Kylie and others, but rather I feel it's time for a little bit of change; a different routine perhaps.
The reality of her not being in my life every day has sunk in in recent weeks and has caused me to rethink some of my priorities in the short term. I feel it important to spend as much time with her as possible while I can because that will be changing at some point. I know this, and while I'm not sure I'm ready for it, I won't have a choice because life is going to decide for me regardless.
The time I have with her is precious to me and no one is going to be more important than her in the coming months. This last weekend it was just Kylie and me and it was great. We had fun, and while it's sometimes daunting realizing it's just you, it's also energizing. You know you have to deal with whatever's going on and she was dependent on me to take care of what she needed.
This weekend is more of the same. While I would love to go hang out with my friends for Sarah and my birthday, it's not entirely likely I'd be willing to even if I were able. I think about the idea of the child waking up and me not being there by my own choice rips me apart. I can't handle it. I don't want to handle it.
This isn't a slight on anyone, just a reflection of how much I value that little girl of mine.
As I went about my day, I made the decision to avoid my phone most of the time. It sat on my desk for the most part and sure, I'd occasionally check it, but it wasn't very often and when I did have a text, tweet, or notification of some sort, I'd check it and respond if needed, but it was low priority stuff for me.
At the end of the day, I felt satisfied. I felt happy. This felt like how the future would be to me.
So I decided at that point that when I'm alone with my child, I'm not going to be checking my phone or spending a lot of time on it. If I have a moment, I will respond to a text or phone call if it's there, but the chances of me reaching out to you on my own will be slim.
If you can't handle or accept that, then you have no business being in my life.
Now I'm sure once I'm officially moved and seeing Kylie when I'm supposed to I'll reconsider certain things (for example, availability when she's not with me), but if it's my time with her, then everyone will need to respect that.
This means a lot of things will be on hold. I'm not going to get into specifics, but the chances of something being more important than my child (aside from work, sleep, etc) are very, VERY slim.
While life has been up and down, I feel that the decision to focus on my child is the right one and a change that I need to make to match up with the changes going on in my life overall.
Thanks for reading and understanding.
Those who needed to know about anything, well they already know. If you don't, then you probably didn't need to know. Either way, exposing things in this public of a forum probably won't lead to good things, so I'm not going to do that.
What you need to know is that life for me is changing. It's evolving slowly from one thing into something that will be somewhat different in a few months. The biggest change will be the fact that at some point, I won't be seeing Kylie every day like I've become accustomed to.
This is a fairly normal thing when relationships fail, and while I never hoped for that to happen, the reality I'm facing is different from the one I perceived a few years ago.
Again, this isn't to sling mud in anyone's direction. We all make mistakes when relationships fail and there are always things each person could've done better. Sure, someone may be "more guilty" than the other, but that's nitpicking and doesn't resolve anything.
I was doing what's become my nightly walk the other night, and I started thinking more about how life seems to change on a whim, yet people for the most part are stubborn to change. Sure, you may do some things differently, but a lot of people are resistant to change and often go back to old habits when things get difficult.
The best example I can use is when someone's addicted to drugs. They struggle the most with changing their habits, changing their ways. Drugs become such a huge part of who they are that they sometimes lose sight of who they were before drugs. I've seen people lead good lives, then start up with drugs and that good life is demolished.
Drug addicts have a hard time breaking the addiction and even if they do beat it initially, they sometimes fall back into those old habits if something bad happens in their life.
People are creatures of habit though. We do the things we do because we're comfortable with it, whether it be how we do something, where we go, and how we come to the decisions we make. You can know the decision you're making is wrong, but you do it anyway because it's the more comfortable decision.
Very rarely do people willingly step out of their comfort zones, and often if they do, the experiment doesn't last long as it becomes scary to them.
Now I do realize there are people who aren't like that. They do step out of their comfort zones and experience life as fully as possible. But those people seem to be the exception rather than the rule as many aren't willing to do that.
We know what kind of food we like, we know what kind of people we prefer to hang out with, what kind of people we're willing to date, and what kind of hobbies we're going to take part in.
And when life gets rough, we run back to what we know. We all have our security blankets. For many, it's a family member (hi mom!), but for others, it's a friend they've known for a while; someone they know they can talk to and get honest, sound advice.
And life gets rough frequently. It flips you up on your head when you least expect it and then kicks you for good measure. It mocks you and reminds you that in the scheme of things, you're just one person in a world filled with living things. It constantly reminds you that the world goes on even as you struggle.
The world is constantly changing, evolving, and continuing forward.
Bear with me as I'm currently trying to remember the thoughts I had the other night. They were so fluid, so cohesive, so of course they aren't so much at this point.
The main thing I've trying to assert is that people struggle with change often because they're afraid of change. It scares them and causes them to do whatever they can to prevent the change from happening. They don't know how to deal with the change and it can cause irrational actions in some.
Yet life carries on. It doesn't care if you're struggling or not.
How does this relate to me and what's been going on? Not a whole lot. Am I scared of the change that's coming? No. I'm a little apprehensive, but at the same time, I'm ready for a new chapter in my life, even if that new chapter features less Kylie.
It isn't because I want to get away from Kylie and others, but rather I feel it's time for a little bit of change; a different routine perhaps.
The reality of her not being in my life every day has sunk in in recent weeks and has caused me to rethink some of my priorities in the short term. I feel it important to spend as much time with her as possible while I can because that will be changing at some point. I know this, and while I'm not sure I'm ready for it, I won't have a choice because life is going to decide for me regardless.
The time I have with her is precious to me and no one is going to be more important than her in the coming months. This last weekend it was just Kylie and me and it was great. We had fun, and while it's sometimes daunting realizing it's just you, it's also energizing. You know you have to deal with whatever's going on and she was dependent on me to take care of what she needed.
This weekend is more of the same. While I would love to go hang out with my friends for Sarah and my birthday, it's not entirely likely I'd be willing to even if I were able. I think about the idea of the child waking up and me not being there by my own choice rips me apart. I can't handle it. I don't want to handle it.
This isn't a slight on anyone, just a reflection of how much I value that little girl of mine.
As I went about my day, I made the decision to avoid my phone most of the time. It sat on my desk for the most part and sure, I'd occasionally check it, but it wasn't very often and when I did have a text, tweet, or notification of some sort, I'd check it and respond if needed, but it was low priority stuff for me.
At the end of the day, I felt satisfied. I felt happy. This felt like how the future would be to me.
So I decided at that point that when I'm alone with my child, I'm not going to be checking my phone or spending a lot of time on it. If I have a moment, I will respond to a text or phone call if it's there, but the chances of me reaching out to you on my own will be slim.
If you can't handle or accept that, then you have no business being in my life.
Now I'm sure once I'm officially moved and seeing Kylie when I'm supposed to I'll reconsider certain things (for example, availability when she's not with me), but if it's my time with her, then everyone will need to respect that.
This means a lot of things will be on hold. I'm not going to get into specifics, but the chances of something being more important than my child (aside from work, sleep, etc) are very, VERY slim.
While life has been up and down, I feel that the decision to focus on my child is the right one and a change that I need to make to match up with the changes going on in my life overall.
Thanks for reading and understanding.
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